For many adults, the reality of caring for aging parents hits home much sooner than anticipated. You go from watching your parents age, still feeling like they are invincible, to realizing that there comes a time when they need help. Suddenly, your life can be turned upside down, forcing you to make decisions about their care and well-being that are often based on emotions rather than common sense. It’s one thing to be a beacon in your aging parents’ life, helping them mow the lawn, keep up with the home, and drive them places when they need it. But caring for your aging parents when they can no longer care for themselves is both painful and stressful.
Many people fail to plan for these years of their life. They may not have enough financial stability to sustain their life in a nursing home or retirement community. When this is the case, the financial burdens of taking in another family member can also be overwhelming. For many, this comes at a time when you are paying college tuition or finally regaining control of your own life after raising a family, making things even more difficult. Still, around two-thirds (even higher by some statistics) show that grown children are often the number one caregivers for their aging parents.
Caring for Aging Parents – Can You Accommodate Them?
The first thing to decide is whether or not you can meet their needs. If you have a full-time job that you are unable to quit, moving your parents in with you may not be the simple answer. Even if you choose to build them a wing on your home, you still have to worry about daily care while you are out of the house. If they are suffering from a serious medical condition that requires constant medication or care, hiring a nurse at home has to be considered as part of the plan. Additionally, you may have to make accommodations in your home to make things easier. Wheelchair ramps and finding space can present problems if you have small living quarters. It isn’t reasonable to set up a bed in the living room or garage for an aging parent. You also cannot simply give over your own room, especially because you never fully know how long this arrangement will last.
If you want to care for your aging parents and keep them out of retirement or nursing communities, coming up with a renovation plan can be a good option. Many senior citizens have planned for this day and may have the financial means to help with building on a suite to your home, allowing you to remain the pivotal person in their life. This is a great solution, especially if your parents are simply aging but are still in decent health and mind. Considering their state of health, the size of your home, and the time you have available to ensure their needs are met must be considered. If you cannot do it all yourself, negotiating time with other siblings or finding local nurses or sitters to fill in for you should be fully researched before making a decision.
Is Family ALWAYS Best?
It is a common phenomenon to hear about an aging parent’s illness or need and rush in, tears swelling in your eyes, in order to save the day. You can meet with doctors, talk to them, and start making decisions based on emotions. You may feel absolutely certain that you want to be the one to care for your agingparents , to show them the same love and nurturing that they have always shown you. It is painful to watch your parents age, to see their slow demise after they have been a symbol of strength your entire life. The grown child, from the outside, seems like the perfect solution for caring for the elderly. Yet, geriatric doctors don’t always agree. Why?
For many of these people being cared for by their grown children, medical care and treatment are necessary on a daily basis. What they often find is that these grown children are prone to overmedicating their parents. Not on purpose, of course, but because they are so close to these people that they overlook what is medically best in order to feel like they are giving their parents relief and comfort. Often, in these situations, medical conditions are overlooked as caregivers try to indulge or “spoil” their parents. They don’t want to see them denied anything they want, don’t want them to feel any pain, or experience distress—so they make decisions from the heart that don’t necessarily help. One patient, cared for by her daughter after chemotherapy and radiation, returned to the hospital so full of pain medications that surgeons had to wait two weeks for her blood to recover before they could operate.
Chances are, you love your parents more than anyone else. The thought of them in a nursing home is heartbreaking. However, if you decide to care for your aging parents, you must remain committed to their treatment as well. You must realize that doctors and nurses have their best interests in mind and prescribe medications and special diets for a reason! Before you decide to take care of your parents, have an honest and hard look at your personality and make sure that you can follow the rules.
What if Your Parents Don’t Want to Stay With You?
Another issue is that some aging parents don’t want to stay with their children. They may not want to be a burden, may have made other plans, or, quite honestly, may not like your spouse or children that much. This can be hurtful, of course, and you may not be able to persuade them otherwise. The immediate assumption is that when our parents need us, we want them to want us as well—but some don’t. An article in Senior Citizens Magazine indicated that out of 1,250 seniors polled, only 23% actually wanted to go live with their children. They cited many reasons, but most didn’t want to burden their children with their care.
One of the problems when it comes to caring for aging parents is that many families simply don’t discuss it. You may not have any real idea what your parents have planned for themselves, understand their wishes, or have been part of the decision-making process. Every family operates a little differently. It would be beneficial if people discussed these issues with their parents long before it becomes time to make a decision. This way, both you and they can feel good about future plans and have a road map that ensures continuous care. Understandably, talking about your parents getting older or sick is not a fun thing. However, it is a reality. As many as 87% of all adults need assisted living as they age, and 23% may end up in nursing homes with constant 24-hour care.
What Are the Options?
As your parents get older, both you and they should consider the options. If you feel strongly about them staying with you, planning is necessary. You must come up with a concrete plan. If, for any reason, you are unable to care for them, exploring options for nursing homes, retirement homes, or even in-home round-the-clock services should be considered. Many seniors do not want to leave their own homes, so moving in with your parents to help them could be another idea.
Check out local resources. Obviously, you want your parents to be close to you. Visit places that they may be interested in staying, see what pricing is, and determine what insurance they can take. Also, do a lot of research about the reputation of these places before placing your parents in one. Nursing home abuse has become prevalent. Take your parents with you. If you still want them to stay with you, continuously make that clear, hoping they will make that decision.
Round-the-clock care for a parent can be expensive. If you name yourself as the primary caregiver, you are in for a lot of work. You will be woken up day and night, continuously on call, and often stranded in your home without a chance to leave. You too will need help and support along the way. Sure, you think you can handle it based on love alone, but you need to remain healthy as well. Caregiver burnout is common, and you can quickly be overwhelmed by the responsibility. Contact hospice networks if appropriate and find sitters or nurses who can provide you with relief. Whatever you do, realize that you are no longer a spring chicken yourself and that you, too, will need help. You should also join one of the many support groups offered in your area to connect with others who are going through the same thing. Don’t forget your own social life, and be aware of your stress triggers, recognizing when you need a break. Your first response will be to feel guilty about this, but you are only human.
If you have siblings, the care you decide for your aging parent should be discussed by all of you. Even if you are all scattered across the country, care arrangements should be inclusive. Ask for help, both in person and financially. There is no need to turn the care of your parents into a competition about who is the better child. This will only add stress to an already stressful situation. If your siblings don’t share your opinion about something, try not to take it personally. In times like this, everyone is a critic.
Caring for aging parents is perhaps one of the nicest and most meaningful things you can do for them. Even if your relationship was strained at times, you will still be glad that you were the one to care for them. It isn’t easy to care for someone you love. Watching your parents become mentally challenged, unhealthy, or out of sorts is definitely a test for the human spirit. If you make plans ahead of time and keep your eyes on the future, you can definitely make the arrangement work for the best.
If you cannot be responsible for your parents’ complete care, do not have the room in your home, the money, or the means, you can still play a pivotal role in their care. You can make sure that you are there whenever they need you. You can listen to doctors, help them organize their home, and do things inside their home to make life easier. You can also stay in charge of their medical care, requesting that doctors consult and discuss things with you before proceeding with any new treatments. This way, you can ensure that what is best for your parent is happening. When others see that you are a force in your aging parent’s life, they are less likely to take advantage of them as they get older.
Caring for aging parents is a reality that most of us will face at some point in our lives. For some, the decision comes quickly and easily; for others, it’s more complicated. How you feel is personal, and you should decide what is best based on your needs and your parents.
