The statistics on infidelity are unclear and somewhat inconsistent. Many people who cheat, or have cheated, will never admit to it—even in an anonymous survey. This makes it difficult to gauge just how prevalent cheating is in society today. With access to social media, the internet, smartphones, and chat rooms, more and more ‘types’ of affairs—ranging from emotional to sexual—are becoming commonplace. Estimates suggest that around 50% of people either have cheated on their spouse or will be victimized by cheating.
For many people, affairs aren’t really about sex but rather about attention and appreciation. However, it only takes common sense to wonder if spouses would be less likely to cheat if they were happy with their sex lives at home.
In the book The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It, author and family counselor Gary Neuman explores why men cheat. After two years of research and interviews with men and women who admitted to cheating, he concluded that infidelity is most often driven by emotional disconnection.
The Role of Emotional Disconnect in Infidelity
In other words, the cheating spouse feels they aren’t getting enough attention or appreciation in the relationship. This is extremely common in all relationships. Life moves on, children are born, finances change, and circumstances arise that cause the couple to emotionally disconnect. For many of these couples, the lack of emotional connection also leads to a lack of intimacy. When that happens, a window opens for an affair to creep in unnoticed. It might be the lack of sex that causes the wandering eye, or maybe it’s the fact that the relationship has lost its spark. Either way, emotional disconnect is a sign that trouble is brewing.
In Neuman’s book, he reveals that most men (48%) don’t cheat or seek out an affair with a woman who is supermodel-gorgeous or even more attractive than their wives. What most men seek is a woman who will pay attention to them, stroke their ego, and make them feel good about themselves again. This often happens accidentally. They realize they are receiving something from another person that they aren’t getting at home—whether it’s simple gestures or kind words, or the feeling of self-confidence they get from someone else. All they know is that the attention and emotional connection feel good. And things progress from there.
Sure, many men and women are dissatisfied with their sex lives at home. One of the top complaints among men is that they don’t feel they’re getting enough sex at home. While this can be a reason for infidelity, it’s likely more closely tied to the emotional disconnect men feel when their sexual needs aren’t being met at home. Men and women view sex differently, and studies have shown that men are much more insecure than they let on. Men see a lack of intimacy, and a lack of interest in intimacy, as a blow to the ego and a form of rejection. Women, on the other hand, don’t typically see sex as a measure of a relationship’s quality and are more affected by hormonal changes and emotional issues that disrupt their sexuality—especially as they age.
The bottom line is: If you aren’t having sex at home, don’t be surprised if your spouse cheats. No, this doesn’t mean it’s YOUR fault—or anyone’s fault—that the affair happens. But it does indicate that there’s likely a lack of intimacy and emotional disconnection in the relationship, which opens the door for infidelity. Men and women both need to understand that when there’s an obvious problem in the relationship—whether it’s communication or intimacy—proactive, honest measures must be taken to curb the tendency for affairs based on unmet needs.
Couples should strive to sexually satisfy one another, regardless of what’s happening in their lives. Sex is important. Too many people downplay the need for a healthy sex life as just one part of the recipe for a successful relationship. But humans are sexual creatures. It was sex drive, hormones, and passion that brought you together in the first place, and it can be these same things that keep you together and faithful through tough times. Your sex life matters. If your partner feels constantly rejected or like you have no interest in them sexually, the chances of an affair increase.
Instead of waiting for the inevitable, start paying attention to your spouse. Make sure they know how much you care, and try to make time for intimacy. As shallow as it may seem, keeping your sex life alive and well—even through rough patches—can be a huge step in preventing infidelity.
