Statistics are alarming! According to recent data, it’s estimated that around 43% of all men and 27% of all women admit to cheating on their spouses at some point. When you consider that these are the individuals who either got caught or couldn’t stand the guilt anymore, it’s easy to imagine that cheating is much more common than most would like to admit. All of us know someone who has cheated or been cheated on. When we put ourselves in their shoes, we can feel a range of emotions—betrayal, anger, hate, dismay, and deep sadness and disappointment. Cheating touches lives in many ways, some absolutely incomprehensible. Most people understand this, so why is there so much cheating?
You could spend hours running down a list of reasons why people cheat. You could identify problems in marriages that offer both opportunity and longing, or blame either your spouse or yourself for the behavior. The truth is that people have sexual and emotional needs that are very rarely met by just one person. The longer we’re with someone, the more humdrum and comfortable life can feel, all the while lacking the passion and dizziness of falling in love. The initial stages of a relationship stir up emotions and feelings—similar to the scent of a new car—which can never be duplicated. And like that new car smell, it fades quickly and never returns once it’s gone.
While cheating is wrong on many levels, it hurts people and undermines the sanctity of marriage, the biggest difference between cheaters and non-cheaters is self-discipline. It doesn’t matter if we are the perfect spouse, have the kind of sex most people only dream about, have all the money we could ever spend, the nicest house, the best kids, the most supportive families, or the best communication between two people. We lose that “new car smell” along the way, and this is likely the primary reason people cheat. Men and women alike want to feel that newness, that passion, that adrenaline rush that comes from being desired and admired—without coming down from the high. At the same time, they want to come home to the familiar comforts of a family: a cozy bed with sheets that smell of their spouse, kids playing in the living room, and dinner simmering on the stove.
For most people, cheating isn’t about finding someone new, better, or about a lack of something from their partner. It’s about a lack within themselves that drives them to seek that feeling of freedom—a momentary escape from the mundane. The sad part is that, before, during, and after the affair, people often can’t satisfy these needs at home and are torn because, for most, they do love their spouse in a familial way. What they seek isn’t love; it’s that feeling of freedom, which makes their heart race and gives them wings.
What Makes People Cheat?
Yes, there are habitual cheaters and sex addicts. When you think of someone like Tiger Woods, with his perfect life and wife, you may wonder what drives him to cheat. For him, and for all people guilty of infidelity, it’s a lack inside themselves. Even if they marry the person they had an affair with, eventually, as the “new car smell” fades, they will likely cheat again. The journey of infidelity never starts or ends with one person or relationship; it’s about the inner insecurities of the cheater. They are dreamers trapped in the real world, seeking moments to pretend something better exists for them. This is one reason why it’s so devastating for the partner of a cheating spouse. If they cheat, and you can’t live with it, the only solution is to thank them for the lesson and move on as quickly as possible. If you forgive them, they’re likely to repeat the cycle, and you may spend many years angry and resentful. It’s a double-edged sword. However, it isn’t the end of the world, and it’s not something that should be taken personally, no matter how long you’ve been married, how much you’ve done for them, or how many children you’ve raised together. You lost that “new car smell,” and they did the only thing they knew how to do: they leased another one.
Cheating is definitely not a desirable part of life. It hurts deeply, and the wounds it causes may never heal completely. It changes people considerably, but not always for the worse. However, cheating isn’t about YOU unless you are the cheater. You must feel sorry for the person who was so selfish and lacked the necessary skills to thrive in their own life. You have to pity them for losing such a special and loving person. But most importantly, you need to make sure you don’t let the experience fill you with hate or resentment. You have a choice in how you react and how you feel.
As time goes on, more and more acts of infidelity will likely be admitted. Cheating has always been part of life and relationships, but it’s now more openly discussed than ever before. The good news is that, today, you have more choices if you’re married to a cheater. Forty years ago, when someone cheated, you kept quiet and moved on in whatever way you could. Today, you’re not obligated to stay and endure. Relationships are learning platforms, offering lessons we can’t find anywhere else. Cheating isn’t something you do—it’s something you feel. The victims bear no blame or fault and should be immediately exonerated. It’s something every person in a relationship must consider at some point. People need to emotionally prepare themselves for the possibility that, one day, this issue could come up. In other words, it’s one of those things in life that you can’t change. It is what it is, and all you can do is grow, learn, and find something positive in it, regardless of which side of the fence you’re on.
