So, things have started to unravel between you and your spouse. It might have happened overnight, or perhaps it’s been a gradual process over the years. Maybe infidelity played a role, or maybe you simply grew apart. Either way, things aren’t as they should be, and if you think your kids don’t notice, you’re sadly mistaken. Kids are incredibly attuned to the relationship between their parents, and they most certainly know that your marriage is in trouble.
When I was a child, I distinctly remember being absolutely terrified when my parents fought with one another. Not only did I find the sound of my father’s raised voice scary, but I always concluded that they would surely be getting a divorce. Luckily, my parents’ marriage stayed strong, and they recently celebrated their 44th wedding anniversary. However, many of my friends’ parents ended up divorced, and it was never a shock when it finally happened. They always knew that their parents no longer wanted to be together, and it was an excruciating process for them to endure.
I know in my own marriage, my kids get very upset if my husband and I ever argue. We argue quite often, since we’re both the stubborn type. Our extra-sensitive middle child always freaks out and draws the same conclusion I did when I witnessed my parents fighting—that we’re headed for divorce. I always reassure her that Daddy and I are just loudly airing our differences and that everything’s going to be okay. My husband and I almost always get over ourselves, and homeostasis is generally reestablished quite quickly.
Recognizing the Signs of a Troubled Marriage
It’s not just the fighting that the kids notice; any other signs that a marriage is in trouble stand out to them like a sore thumb. When Mom and Dad no longer hug, snuggle, or hold hands in front of them, the children know something’s amiss. If their parents no longer go on dates with one another, a red flag pops up in their minds. They notice these things because a happy marriage between their mother and father is the foundation of a child’s sense of security. Once that’s shaken, they go into panic mode.
How many parents consider the effect that their discordant marriage has on their offspring? Sadly, selfishness is often the catalyst for the dissolution of a marriage, so parents are usually unaware that their children are in emotional turmoil due to their actions. Many use the lame excuse that the kids would actually be better off if they separated from their spouse, because their fighting is damaging to the kids. While this is true, it reeks of a lack of effort to resolve the situation and restore harmony within the household. Most marriages fall apart because one or both partners become self-centered and self-absorbed, failing to realize or care about the collateral damage that results.
I can only assume that many marriages fall apart when one spouse suffers a mid-life crisis. In our own marriage, my husband purchased a convertible, and I didn’t speak to him for four days afterward. Truthfully, I was worried we wouldn’t make it through that event in our marital timeline. Over time, I tried to embrace the car and even agreed to take a few spins in it. Ultimately, my husband agreed to trade it in for a sensible family car. I know it stung, but I’m forever grateful that he made this wise and thoughtful choice, and I remind him of it often.
Then there’s the empty nest. Many marriages are held together by the glue of raising kids. Parenting together through the years keeps a husband and wife united in the single purpose of bringing up the next generation. When the last child finally flies the coop, a marriage can suffer. Without the daily task of parenting, couples sometimes wonder what they’re supposed to do with their time. Often, they realize that they’ve become strangers with no common ground. When marriages crumble at this stage, grown children still suffer the consequences. Dreams of bringing future babies to Grandmother and Grandfather’s house are now shattered.
In any case, marriage counseling should be sought if your marriage is falling apart, whether or not children are involved. Many people resist counseling because they see it as a last resort and are reluctant to air their dirty laundry to a stranger. Some people cope with conflict by shutting down and don’t want to communicate their feelings, especially in front of a supposed impartial third party. However, what other solution is viable besides counseling? It’s worth a shot and should be considered as an option before the ultimate demise of your marriage becomes inevitable.
And the kids? Get them in therapy. They’re suffering, and you know it. The best thing you can do is try to keep it all together instead of letting everything fall apart. Do you really want to shuffle your kids from one house to another every holiday? Or only see them every other weekend? Battle over custody and scar them further? Miss precious moments and milestones in their lives? Is it worth it to pursue your own selfish needs and desires? Obviously, divorce is acceptable in cases of abuse or infidelity, but even then, rehabilitation and reconciliation should be considered.
Marriages ebb and flow. We fall in and out of love with each other over and over again throughout the years. The vow we made when we got married was “for better or worse,” and that line exists for a reason. Marriage is full of “for better or worse,” and remembering that will help us get through the tough times. If your marriage is in trouble, rest assured that your kids are fully aware. Remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, and you owe it to your kids to make it all work out.
