Choosing a Bridesmaid – Picking a Friend or Family Member

Many people get excited about being asked to be a bridesmaid at a wedding. However, there are probably a handful of women who don’t particularly relish the idea. If you’re getting married and will soon be in the process of choosing one or more bridesmaids, it’s important to think long and hard about the feelings of your potential bridesmaids before popping the question. It’s easy to get caught up in not wanting to offend friends or family who don’t get asked, but there’s always the other side of the fence. Some women actually cringe when asked!

Take the case of Siri Agrell, who wrote a piece titled ‘Bad Bridesmaid’ for the National Post this month. She said she never fancied herself as bridesmaid material, but, as she puts it, “a friend is a friend.” Still, she found the whole process bizarrely entertaining, even though she was occasionally overwhelmed by the expense, excess, and drama of the bridal circus. Agrell thought it was funny how much time, energy, and $50-per-yard fabric could be employed in an event that would last a maximum of eight hours. When she started researching the bridesmaid tradition—its origins and obligations—she was equally stunned by the advice given by wedding planners, etiquette experts, and seasoned attendants. Almost all of them acknowledged that being a bridesmaid is sometimes not a whole lot of fun, but the only response, they warned, is to shut up and take it.

We’re not trying to scare you away by talking about friends who secretly dislike being asked, but this is fair warning for future brides: Consider the feelings of others.

The Nitty Gritty of Bridesmaid Selection

Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of bridesmaid selection. Great! The site has been booked, the church has been reserved, the pastor is ready, and the dress has been hand-picked according to your own specifications. However, you might be surprised to find that one of the most emotionally charged decisions could be choosing your bridesmaids.

Choosing your bridesmaids is about more than just selecting the women you’ve known the longest or liked the best. It can involve family politics, practicalities, and other issues. You might suddenly feel like choosing a bridesmaid is like treading into murky waters—quick sand.

The thing to remember is that choosing your bridesmaids should be about the women you truly want to share your special day with. Narrowing down your choices to include your favorite friends and relatives might cause some nerves—not just yours, but theirs as well. Since drawing names out of a hat is only for children, it’s important to seriously consider how you will select your bridesmaids.

First, decide how grand you want your wedding party to be. If you’re trying to limit the number of guests, then keep your choices conservative. In one wedding we attended, the groom had three men he wanted by his side—no more, no less. If your groom has already chosen his men, try to match his number. If you feel you need one or two more people, or if you can’t come up with enough women to stand with you, have a serious conversation with your groom to resolve the issue without involving anyone else.

Once you have your number set, create a list of the women you’re considering. When compiling the list, star the names of your first choices—those who are actually expecting to be asked. This may include family members whom you might not want to include, but who are nevertheless expecting an invitation.

Once the list is complete, consider coming up with a “reserve” list in case anyone declines your invitation. If you’ve lost contact with a friend or two over the years, they’ll understand if they receive an invitation to the wedding but not to stand at the altar with you, regardless of any pact made when you were 12. You might feel some doubt when you have to cross off female family members, such as cousins, but be honest and candid with them. Call each one, especially if they expect to be included, and explain that while you’d love to share your day with them, there simply isn’t enough space up front to include everyone. This should quell most hurt feelings if you’re transparent about your decision.

Sisters are hard to say no to as well. For the sake of family unity, you might want to include them if they wish to participate. The same does not necessarily apply to future sisters-in-law, but consider them too—they might be the ones you can count on when marital conflicts arise. Your husband’s sisters will likely know what will calm him down, having shared their childhood with him.

Bridesmaids: Responsibility is Key!
Your best friends may top your list, but when it comes time to make the final decision, one key factor to consider is just how responsible each of these women is. Bridesmaids aren’t only there to frame you and the groom and add beauty and glamour to the ceremony—they also have responsibilities before and on the wedding day.

Naturally, the bulk of the responsibilities falls on the shoulders of the bridesmaid:

• Planning any pre-wedding parties and the shower.
• Coordinating various details such as the cake, gifts, favors, speeches, sending messages and thank-you notes, establishing the bridal registry, and other duties the bride may need assistance with.
• During the ceremony, the bridesmaid will need to handle tips for the caterers and cue the band or DJ for the first dance.

Bridesmaids need to be reliable, 100%. Therefore, consider excluding any “flaky” individuals who might cause embarrassment. These ladies can still be involved, but you may want to assign them less critical tasks, such as reading a passage or making a toast. If one struggles with public speaking, consider preparing a short piece of poetry or a sample toast for her to read.

Did Anyone Think She May Not Afford It?

Money is often a taboo subject, but if you suspect that one of your bridesmaid candidates might be facing financial troubles, it’s best to spare her the embarrassment of explaining why she may not be able to take on the role. For example, if she lives in another city, the cost of plane fare could be a hindrance, or buying a wedding dress might seem extravagant when she has children to support. One piece of advice is to let bridesmaid nominees know ahead of time so they can make plans to attend or politely decline. Don’t take offense if some of your top choices are unable to participate. They have their own lives to manage, and it’s not a reflection of how much they care about you.

Once your bridesmaids have been chosen, be mindful of any pregnant bridesmaids as well. While pregnancy is exciting and wonderful, it can be challenging to outfit a pregnant woman when her waistline changes weekly. This doesn’t mean you should exclude friends who are trying to get pregnant, but be aware of the potential complications. If anyone is expecting to deliver within 30-45 days before your wedding date, you should consider having her step down from the role—otherwise, she may need to leave abruptly during the ceremony. You want to hear wedding bells ringing, not ambulance sirens!