Choosing Grandparents as Caretakers: A Delicate Balance
There isn’t a parent alive who didn’t think they knew everything about raising children until the day they had their own. Like many others, you probably had a firm list of “I never’s” that included who, how, and what you would do with your children once they were born. Then reality sets in, and that angelic face appears, making you realize that just because you didn’t think it was right to choose grandparents as caretakers before, you can’t imagine leaving your child with strangers now. The truth is, choosing grandparents as caretakers instead of daycare is a decision that should not be made lightly. For many families, this new dynamic puts significant pressure on the relationship with parents or in-laws.
Considering Your Parenting Styles
The first consideration should probably be how similarly you and the grandparents feel about parenting. When your child is an infant, there’s not much harm that can be done. However, as your baby grows, you’ll need to raise your child according to your own rules. If the “someone else” happens to be a grandparent, you might find that they are less likely to follow your rules. As a working parent, you are essentially handing over your child during the week to someone else who will spend a significant amount of time with them, shaping rules, regulations, and even decisions about your child’s nutrition and wellness.
For example, if grandma is constantly offering cookies and soda because she doesn’t want to say no, and just wants to be the fun grandma, she might not be the best choice as your child’s primary caregiver.
Managing Boundaries and Expectations
As your child gets older, the lines between being a nanny and being a grandparent can blur even more. The guardian you expect to enforce your rules may not always do so, which can be frustrating and put a strain on your relationship with your spouse and your children. Children, as smart as they are, will begin to look to their grandparents as parental figures, especially since they are spending more time with them. It doesn’t help that many grandparents, as caretakers, are more inclined to say “yes” than you might be. Even though grandparents may not intend to undermine your parenting style, it’s natural that their approach will differ from yours.
So, who wins in the end? That’s hard to say. At some point, however, you might want to consider treating childcare arrangements as a business.
The Benefits and Challenges of Grandparents as Caretakers
On the positive side, you know your child will be safe with their grandparents. Rather than placing them in a building with dozens of other children, they will receive one-on-one attention, homemade treats, and lots of love. This can create a wonderful foundation for your child based on love and trust. However, whether the arrangement works out depends largely on how your parents or in-laws feel about the situation.
If Nana and Big Daddy want to be the type of grandparents who spoil their grandchildren and hand them back when they’re done, they may not be optimal full-time caretakers. It’s unfair to expect them to abandon their idea of grandparenting because you want them to do things differently. In such cases, you may want to hire someone else to take care of your kids, allowing grandparents to enjoy the traditional “grandparent” experience without the responsibility of day-to-day childcare.
Similarly, your children need discipline. Some grandparents, however, may not want to be the ones to enforce it. After all, they spent years disciplining you and might feel entitled to a more relaxed role with their grandchildren. If they do care for your children full-time but refuse to set limits or boundaries, you’ll be in for a challenge when it’s time to bring the kids home. And yes, you may always be the “meanie!” So, it’s important to think clearly and make decisions with your head, not just your heart, when it comes to choosing grandparents as caretakers.
A Balanced Approach: Part-Time Caregiving
Probably the best scenario is for the grandparents to ease into the childcare role on a part-time basis. This way, your children get to spend a lot of time with them, but they’re also learning about limits and boundaries from other sources. It allows your child to experience both the joys of being spoiled by grandparents and the structure of being parented. They’ll also learn to love their time with the grandparents without sensing your underlying frustration.
If the grandparents are watching your children full-time, it’s important to talk about some ground rules. It’s okay to have certain things that are off-limits, and they should respect those boundaries. However, remember that your parents love your children just as much as you do, and it may be difficult for them to disappoint or let them down. If an infraction is mild, it’s best to let it go. However, if it’s something you strongly believe in, kindly ask for the situation to change. If it doesn’t, don’t take the kids away from the grandparents, but consider eliminating them as full-time caretakers.
The Bottom Line: Every Family is Different
The bottom line is that every family is different. What works for some families may not work for others. When it comes to choosing grandparents as caretakers for your child, only you know what’s best. It might be worth trying, or it might not be something you feel you can handle. As parents, we’re often forced to make decisions and take actions we never thought we would, all to provide the best for our children. In the end, only you will know what’s right for your family. And as a reminder, remember that grandparents are entitled to enjoy their roles as Granny and Papa. If being selected as full-time caretakers prevents them from enjoying their grandparent experience, consider finding another solution out of respect for their role.
