Just how do you communicate with your spouse? It doesn’t take rocket science to answer that. You know that advice they give to aspiring writers? Write as though you’re talking to a friend over coffee.
Communicating with your spouse is no different. The dialogue need not be top-heavy, regardless of the topic—whether it’s sex, money, the kids, vacation, or office intrigue. Just tell it like it is. Most of all, be open and honest.
The subject of openness and honesty in communication has stirred the hearts and minds of experts, therapists, lawyers, pastors, and ordinary people. Take a peek at the library shelves and see how many books have been written on this topic. You’ll find a hodgepodge of wisdom; yet despite the proliferation of literature, seminars, and love-ins, spouses still question whether they communicate enough, over-communicate, or whether they’re doing it right.
There’s actually no right or wrong way to communicate with your spouse. But we’ll repeat what we said earlier: honesty reigns!
Communication: Tell-Tale Signs Pre-Marriage
During the dating stage, people can decipher each other’s body language and silence. This ability to ‘guess’ what the other person is thinking comes from a heightened sense of sensitivity and intimacy. The dating phase of your relationship will alert you to tell-tale signs of future communication problems, and you need to resolve any conflicts before you make that commitment. The inability to express feelings to a loved one should raise red flags; without communication, how can love flourish?
Talking to one another is the essence of any relationship. Sure, sexual attraction counts too, but in the long term, your comfort level in communicating with your spouse is vital. It is the compass by which you steer your marriage toward happiness or onto the rocks.
Here are some tell-tale signs that should alert you to potential problems:
How’s the family?
How often does your date mention their parents and siblings? When they speak of their family, do they do so with enthusiasm and affection? When telling stories of their childhood, do they remember conversations with their mom and dad and share them with you?
There is something fundamentally wrong when a person does not talk about their family or avoids the subject altogether. If your future spouse withdraws from the conversation when the subject of family is raised, think twice about marrying this person.
Have you got anything pleasant to say?
If your future spouse tends to be negative and frequently criticizes others, be wary. Be cautious if they tend to put you down or belittle you. A person who is stingy with compliments may be insecure. An opinionated person does not make for pleasant company. Racist comments or jokes expressed too often should also be warning signs.
Why so emotional?
Have you ever been in a conversation where you say something innocent, and your date snaps at you for no reason? Or have you found yourself in a situation where a calm conversation escalates into a shouting match? When emotions interfere, nothing is accomplished. It may be best to postpone discussions until both of you are calm and collected. There’s no room for tears, sullenness, or emotional blackmail in spousal communication.
No comment
A frequent ‘no comment’ reaction is a sign of uncommunicativeness. Either your future spouse is intellectually lazy or simply not interested in exchanging ideas with you. If this is the case, imagine how barren the marital landscape would be. When animated conversations are absent in a marriage, it leads to boredom, which can kill a marriage. A ‘no comment’ reaction does not necessarily indicate tact and diplomacy!
Suffering from verbal diarrhea?
Being on the other end of the spectrum is not appetizing either. Listening to someone who talks too much can be tiring. There should be a balance between being a talker and a listener. People who dominate conversations tend to be insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. Give your spouse the chance to express what’s on their mind.
Timing
Salespeople love to say that ‘timing is everything.’ In a marriage, when one spouse needs something from the other, there’s both the ‘how to say it’ and the ‘when to say it.’
When your husband comes home from the office after a harrowing day of meetings and arguments with the boss, don’t welcome him home with a string of complaints about the garbage collector, the plumber, or the dry cleaner. When your spouse troubleshoots all day and puts out fires, don’t overwhelm them with your own litany of troubles.
Instead of saying, “Can’t you see I’m exhausted?” try this: “Honey, I had a tough day at the office. I know this is important to you, but can we discuss it on Sunday when we’re more relaxed? Let’s go to that breakfast place and flesh things out over eggs and coffee.”
In addition to a good sense of timing, a generous dose of compassion and empathy is essential. If your spouse comes home and shares that they were bypassed for a promotion, don’t criticize them or suggest they should have been more assertive. Remember, they just faced disappointment, and their ego may be hurting.
Instead, show compassion: “Honey, I’m sorry that management failed to recognize your valuable contributions. Just because you were bypassed doesn’t mean you aren’t capable. They must have reasons for their decision. This is your chance to turn disappointment into opportunity. Whatever you decide, I’m behind you 100%.”
Experts advise that couples should set specific times to ‘brief’ each other. Major issues like upcoming trips, home renovations, and children’s education shouldn’t be dealt with on the fly. Schedule discussions so that these topics can be addressed intelligently and with mutual consent.
Even if there are no major issues to discuss, husband and wife should make the effort to be alone together, reminding themselves how much they love each other and that their marriage is solid.
How’s this as an example?
Husband: What’s new with you? Anything you want to tell me?
Wife: Nothing important, but let’s take a long walk in the park, shall we? I want to feel physically close to you and remind myself how lucky I am to be married to you.
With that much love in a marriage, who needs a divorce lawyer?
