Soccer on Monday, swimming on Tuesday, dance on Wednesday, swimming again on Thursday—no sports on Fridays, only because your calendar is full of birthday parties to attend. Your weekends are filled with a mix of softball tournaments, errands, finishing school projects, and catching up on housework. Mom is so busy driving the kids around, helping with homework, making lunches, tending to the house, taking care of the baby, and working, that everyone in the family is happy—except for dad. In fact, dad is often the last on the long laundry list of to-do items, so far down at the bottom that he sometimes feels like he is competing with his children for his wife’s attention.
Navigating the Changing Dynamics of Family Life
This scenario is one that is likely familiar to nearly every family. When a baby is born, a woman becomes a mother first. Suddenly, many of the little things she used to do for her partner are sidelined in favor of the baby’s needs. First, her body is taken over by pregnancy and breastfeeding. Then, a baby or toddler is constantly clinging to her, needing her every last bit of attention and energy. As the children grow, the often co-dependent relationship between mother and child leaves little room for anyone else. This relationship between mother and child is very difficult to navigate and can transform the entire embodiment of a woman in just one day. Many women don’t necessarily see that they are doing anything wrong or that they are forsaking or ignoring the needs of their spouse—they are simply ultra-focused on the children.
Even more difficult for women is finding a place of balance where they can be both a loving mother and wife at the same time. Most moms spend so much time wearing the metaphorical “mom hat” that at the end of the day, it is difficult—if not downright impossible—to take it off and switch to being a wife. This isn’t an intentional jab at the relationship, just a challenge that takes some time to figure out.
The most important thing for a husband to do if he feels he has to compete for his wife’s attention is to point it out to her before things go too far. Many couples sit across from each other at a table, swaddled by lawyers discussing divorce proceedings, before they ever truly communicate what went wrong in their relationship. And when it comes to marriage, things don’t ‘go wrong’ in just one week or month. The truth is, the problems often start early on and are ignored due to a lack of communication, until years later, when they are nearly unfixable.
Many men feel childish trying to tell their wife that they feel ignored. So instead, they bottle up their feelings and let them fester for years. Additionally, many moms become extremely defensive about their interactions with the children and forget that before they had kids, they were a couple first. These same feelings aren’t benign for women either—there are plenty of women who feel jealous of the attention their husband gives to their children.
The family dynamic is constantly changing. No family ever remains the same from one year to the next. As a couple, it’s important to realize that your happiness as a couple is a major factor in your children’s happiness. Many studies have proven that a happily married couple provides the perfect environment for happy children. In order for a couple to be happy, they have to engage in a private married life and make it a priority to take time out for one another. When communication, intimacy, and togetherness cease in a marriage, it’s very difficult to get them back. If you feel the family dynamic changing, it’s important to make adjustments in your routine to account for your partner. This is true for both husbands and wives. It’s equally important to voice your opinion so that you are heard and to avoid feeling prideful when it comes to telling your partner what you really want and need out of the relationship.
Feelings of jealousy are normal. Feelings of being left out or not getting enough attention aren’t something that a person ‘grows out of’ simply because they’re married. All relationships take work. The bonds between parents and children are definitely strong, unmatched by even the deepest love affair. However, remember that it was this love affair that enabled you to become a family.
As a wife and mother, if you no longer have the same amount of time or energy that you did before children to take care of your husband in the ways that are important to him, try to find alternate ways to keep the connection between you alive. And remember, he is there to help you. He is the father of your children, which means you don’t have to carry the burden of childrearing entirely on your own. Ask your husband to help you and allow him to be an equal participant as much as possible. This will help lessen your load, draw the two of you together as a couple, and make more time available for the two of you to simply be together.
The bottom line is that within a family, competition for love and attention should not exist. When couples communicate with one another and make a firm decision to keep each other at the top of their to-do lists, the love between husband and wife can grow even deeper, despite the presence of children.
