Oy vey! Have we become a negative society or what?
In the course of a day, if you were to pay attention to your internal voice and the words you verbalize, you’d likely notice a trend of commiserating negativity. The grass is too long. You don’t have enough money. The dinner you ate last night was awful. The purple blouse you bought makes you look fat. Your neighbor is a jerk. The dogs are driving you crazy. The kids don’t know how to behave and are ungrateful little doo-doo heads. You don’t have enough time in the day. Your spouse never washes the dishes. Your spouse always finds an excuse to avoid sex. The list of complaints and the things we find negative in our lives is endless, and it comes in waves of communication and thoughts.
Compliments: A Simple Yet Powerful Change
When it comes to the people we love the most, we also tend to become the most critical. Your spouse doesn’t make enough money. Your husband has been wearing the same ugly shirt for three days in a row. Your wife hasn’t cooked a good meal in a week. And since we love these people, rather than hide or sugarcoat our feelings, it becomes easy to let them in on every little nitpicky thing we find wrong with them. Maybe we don’t necessarily mean to use them as a sounding board for everything that frustrates us – but it becomes so easy. For most of us, we treat perfect strangers better than we do the people closest to us, the ones we love the most.
Unfortunately, many may not truly understand the amazing benefits that can come to a relationship simply by complimenting your spouse. When you live with someone and are married to them, it’s easy to overlook the good things about them. When they dress up and look especially handsome or beautiful, we often take it for granted. But imagine the power of a short, well-placed, and well-meaning compliment to make the moment special.
The key to complimenting your spouse is to avoid superfluous compliments that are only given when the giver is looking to receive something in return. In other words, don’t tell your wife that she is a “hot sexy beast” because you’re trying to get her into bed. Instead, make sure to show her often that you appreciate the way she looks and that you think she is beautiful. Similarly, don’t just shower your husband with compliments about how strong and sexy he is because you want him to mow the lawn. Instead, tell him often how much you appreciate his manliness.
Compliments do much more than make another person feel good. Research has shown that when we compliment others and focus on their positive traits, we shift our attention from a negative mindset to a positive one. In fact, a compliment has long been considered a two-way gift. When you give a compliment to someone – especially your spouse – a chemical reaction of pleasure takes place in your brain. The same thing happens to the receiver of the compliment.
One of the best things about compliments, especially when directed toward your spouse, is that they are always socially acceptable. Sure, even though your spouse may drive you crazy at times, paying them compliments often helps you stay focused on the many things you love about them. When you live with someone, it’s easy to take them for granted and fail to notice the small things they do daily that make you happy or that you appreciate. One of the most basic needs of the human spirit is to be appreciated by others, and a compliment does just that.
Of course, there are some tricks to complimenting well. Flattery and compliments are definitely not the same thing. For a compliment to be effective, it should be both sincere and specific. In other words, don’t expect reciprocation just because you gave your spouse a compliment. Also, make sure you’re being specific. Saying “You’re a great wife” is not the same as saying, “You always make the best dinners, and I look forward to dinner each and every night.” Another rule for compliments is not to diminish them by saying too much. Don’t say, “Wow, honey, you look great compared to how you looked this morning!” This will only make them feel bad about how they looked earlier. Instead, simply emphasize the fact that you think they look amazing – period.
Compliments within a relationship can go a long way in keeping emotional and physical intimacy alive. One of the most common complaints among married people is that they feel their partner doesn’t appreciate or notice them anymore. Complacency sets in, and we tend to believe that because we are still married, our partners should automatically know how we feel. Nothing could be further from the truth. Compliments show that you respect and pay attention to your partner. Most importantly, a compliment shows that you’re choosing to focus on the good things in the relationship. They’re also an easy and simple way to boost the mood between you and your partner, make someone else feel good, and ensure that you stay focused on the abundant blessings in your life.
Start today by giving 5 compliments per day to your spouse. Do this for a week. By the end of the week, you’ll likely notice that your relationship improves, and the two of you will develop or redevelop a sense of intimacy and appreciation that may have diminished over time.
