If you are one of the lucky ones, then you’ve married into a family with whom you get along well. Before marriage, it’s hard to realize just how large an impact the extended in-law family can have on your relationship. From brothers and sisters-in-law to cousins and parents, their presence will affect your marriage. If you get along well (or live miles apart), chances are things will go smoothly. However, if there’s a rift of any kind, it can wreak havoc on the entire family unit—and eventually, your marriage.
This article will help you navigate how to confront challenging in-laws. Whether it’s the sister-in-law who can’t keep her mouth shut, the brother-in-law who shows up drunk at every family function, or the overbearing mother-in-law whose presence is more annoying than helpful, the reality is that while you may have chosen your partner in life, that choice came with familial baggage that, simply put, will never really go away.
Confronting In-Laws: Navigating Difficult Relationships
Many people believe that dealing with in-laws as abruptly and curtly as possible is the best way to avoid disagreements. You might have heard that setting boundaries and establishing ground rules for expected behavior early on will help prevent ongoing issues. While this approach may work initially, it can also plant seeds of resentment that grow into full-blown problems over time.
This isn’t to suggest that you should let your in-laws walk all over you or violate the boundaries you feel are important for your marriage. While your spouse may be on your side in the beginning, as the years go by, they may start to feel resentment over how you’ve treated their family. Remember, when it comes to your spouse’s family, you’re the new kid on the block—not them. Just as you and your partner had to develop your relationship together, you will also need to develop one (for better or worse) with their family.
Consider that before you came along, your spouse had a family of their own. No matter how dysfunctional, overbearing, or annoying some of their family members may seem, they are still a part of your spouse’s history. Even if your spouse disagrees with 90% of what their family does, they still love them. When you criticize their family or try to impose your way of thinking on them, you’re also undermining your spouse.
Additionally, our true colors often don’t show up in a marriage until after the first year or two. Sociologists agree that while many people enter marriages with clear intentions of avoiding the mistakes of their parents or family members, most people ultimately revert to the habits and behaviors they were conditioned to. Your spouse was raised in a specific environment, just like you were. So, when you complain about your lazy father-in-law, keep in mind that one day your husband might exhibit some of the same qualities as the man who raised him.
If you do feel the need to confront your in-laws or address family issues, it’s best to tread lightly. Rather than inviting a confrontation full of criticism, try to express how you feel about certain situations and be specific about your expectations. For example, if they’re constantly showing up unannounced, catching you half-naked or napping with your newborn, suggest that they call first. You can also let them know when you’d appreciate them visiting, so they feel welcome while also respecting your boundaries—gently, of course.
If your sister-in-law is constantly judging you, talking behind your back, or speaking ill of you to the matriarch of the family, consider calling her to express how hurtful her actions are. Ask her what it is that bothers her about you and suggest spending time together to get to know each other better. This gives her the chance to voice her concerns directly to you and opens a line of communication. You might find that you have more in common than you initially thought.
Most conflicts with in-laws come down to someone feeling threatened. Your mother-in-law might fear she’s losing her son or daughter to you. Your brother-in-law may feel like he’s no longer getting enough time with his sibling. These feelings are often rooted in love, even if they come across as immature. Always respect that your spouse has relationships with their family, even if you don’t always get along with them.
At some point, you’ll also need to ask yourself whether your words or actions will really solve anything. If starting an argument or confronting the in-laws will only create a rift in the family and you don’t foresee a positive outcome, it might be best to let go of the things you cannot change. Blood is thicker than water, and no matter how close you become with your in-laws, remember that should anything happen between you and your spouse, they will always choose their blood over you.
Lastly, instead of spending all your time and energy being angry, trying to change people, or making everything “right,” focus on accepting your in-laws for who and what they are, to the best of your ability. Forgive their indiscretions so you and your spouse can enjoy a happy life together. Be willing to overlook certain things, knowing that you share one common bond: You both love your spouse.
One Response
If only the advice you give where that simple! usually if someone is hurtful towards others, their behavior is pathological. You are not dealing with someone rational to begin with. Therein lies the problem.