To lose even one life to suicide is one too many. Yet the statistics are staggering. Between 1999 and 2014, the United States saw a 24% increase in deaths related to suicide. In 2016, suicide claimed the lives of 44,965 U.S. residents. With numbers as horrifyingly high as they are and seemingly on the rise, our communities are crying out for answers. What is causing the hopelessness we see today, and how can we help those who are struggling?
Understanding the Facts of Suicide
Studies show that suicide ranks as the tenth leading cause of death in the United States. There is no doubt that people need help, but sadly, there are few resources available for those considering self-harm or suicide.
Half the battle is understanding the seriousness of the problem. Here are some important facts about suicide in the United States today:
- Every 11.7 minutes, a United States resident commits suicide.
- On average, 123 people commit suicide each day.
- Studies show that up to 90% of all deaths by suicide are committed by people who suffered from a mental disorder that was treatable.
- Men are 3.6 times more likely to commit suicide than women.
- Though more men succeed in committing suicide, women make more unsuccessful attempts.
- Each year, 494,169 individuals seek medical care for conditions suggestive of self-harm, which may be interpreted as failed suicide attempts.
The facts are undeniable. Tragically, with 123 Americans committing suicide each day, it is entirely possible that at some point, suicide may touch your life.
Comforting the Affected
When someone you know commits suicide, it can be incredibly difficult to know what to say to comfort family and friends. The stigma surrounding suicide runs deep, and emotions and opinions are often conflicted. It’s hard to offer any kind of assurance when nothing feels certain.
If you find yourself trying to console a loved one who is grieving the loss of someone to suicide, here are some important things to focus on:
- It’s not your fault.
Suicide leaves behind victims. Even if some signs were detected in retrospect, the suicide of a loved one often catches family and friends by surprise. Tremendous guilt can overwhelm those left behind, who now have to navigate a maze of emotions in the aftermath.
It’s natural to wonder, “What could I have done differently?” But the truth is that a loved one didn’t commit suicide because of anything you did or didn’t do. More often than not, suicide is a desperate attempt to escape pain and make peace with a world that seems unbearable. It is not a vengeful act directed at any one person. It is simply a cry for freedom from suffering.
If you are trying to comfort someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, remind them that it is not their fault. They bear no responsibility for the decision. In fact, their loved one likely delayed this final act for as long as possible, often for their sake, rather than out of spite.
- It’s okay to be angry.
Grief is a unique process for each person. As they try to make sense of the flood of emotions they’re experiencing, it’s common to feel angry. Losing a loved one to suicide is infuriating, especially when you think of the future you now face without them. Sometimes, a person who commits suicide leaves behind children or aging parents who need care. Someone has to take on the responsibility, and it’s okay to feel angry about that burden.
- It’s okay to be sad.
Sadness is a natural stage of grief. One moment, you might feel like exploding with rage, and the next, you may find yourself sobbing uncontrollably at the heartache your loved one must have endured, as well as the future you’ll now face without them. It’s okay. Feel what you feel, and allow yourself to experience each emotion fully.
- You will go through many different emotions as you grieve.
It’s important to recognize that grief is unpredictable. There is no way to prepare for the suicide of a loved one, nor is there any way to regulate how its effects will unfold. You may feel a mix of emotions in a single hour—and that’s okay. Grief is a process, and each person moves through it in their own way. Allow yourself to experience it fully, without judgment. It’s all part of the grieving process.
- There is nothing you could have done.
Sometimes the best reassurance you can offer is reminding someone that there was nothing they could have done to prevent their loved one’s suicide. Letting them off the hook for guilt is a critical part of healing.
It wasn’t their fault, and they couldn’t have stopped it. The decision was in the hands of the person who passed, and there was no way to change that outcome.
- There is no “wrong” way to grieve.
People often worry about what is “normal” when it comes to grieving. The truth is, there is no “right” way to grieve. It’s a deeply personal experience. Do what you need to do to find peace in the midst of tragedy. Whether it means screaming at the top of your lungs, sleeping in your loved one’s clothes, or indulging in ice cream until your pants no longer fit, don’t feel guilty. Focus on what helps you cope, and give yourself permission to move through grief at your own pace.
- You may never understand why—and that’s okay.
We often think that if we can understand the reasons behind a tragic event, we can somehow make peace with it. But the truth is, sometimes we will never understand why someone made the decisions they did—and that’s okay. We don’t need to know why. What’s important is that we accept what we cannot change and give ourselves permission to walk away from guilt and feelings of responsibility.
It is never easy to console a loved one who has experienced the tragic loss of a friend or family member to suicide. The best we can do is offer support through the healing process by being a sounding board during their time of need. Suicide touches far too many lives today. Now, more than ever, we must support one another and work together to provide resources for the hurting individuals in our communities.
