Each of us has been in the uncomfortable situation of spending time with another couple that sees no wrong in belittling or nagging one another in public. Perhaps the wife makes a comment about what the husband MUST do or what he SHOULD be wearing. The husband may tell the wife something she cannot do or correct her in front of someone else. You might even be married to someone who doesn’t understand the shame and humiliation that occurs when another adult—especially a spouse—calls them out in front of others. Whether it’s a piece of lettuce left on the chin or a stern correction to a story they are telling, it’s embarrassing and frustrating to witness or experience.
So, why do spouses do this? Correcting your spouse in public is wrong. A marriage should be about two people who love and respect one another equally. If one spouse feels entitled to humiliate or embarrass the other in public (or private), what does this say about the marriage itself? Some things should be kept private, and by the time people are old enough to marry, they should understand proper etiquette and the rules of engagement, which clearly dictate that some matters should remain private.
For most, simple corrections—perceived as bossiness or elitism—are not intended to be embarrassing or humiliating. The truth is that the behavior of correcting others is often ingrained in them, and they do so without realizing its impact on the other person. If you find yourself on the corrective end, the first step is to address it with your spouse. Make sure to do this in private, armed with specifics so you can explain exactly what you mean. It may also be beneficial to establish a signal between the two of you, so if the situation arises again, you can communicate your discontent without retaliating.
Of course, there are couples who use public digs to reinforce their feelings of unhappiness in the marriage. These individuals often want things to go their way and create situations like this to justify their own feelings. Perhaps they are embarrassed by their spouse and handle it in all the wrong ways. Couples experiencing marital troubles may also correct each other in public as a means of arbitration, hoping others will side with them. However, this usually makes others uncomfortable and causes them to distract the couple.
It’s important to recognize that few people want to be around this behavior, largely because it makes others uncomfortable. If you’ve noticed that other couples don’t want to go out with you and your spouse anymore, consider whether your constant nagging is making them uneasy. Additionally, it is belittling and disrespectful to your spouse.
Psychologists say another reason people do this to their spouse is due to insecurity. If they’re out with friends or family and feel insecure, they may make offhand comments and correct their spouse to assert themselves and feel better. In other words, the real issue lies with them, and they subconsciously believe that diverting attention to their spouse will lessen their own anxiety.
Interestingly, many marriage revival courses offered to couples in trouble focus on this very behavior. How we treat our spouses in public reflects how we feel about them. As couples become more comfortable with one another, they often forget their etiquette. How often have you seen a man hold a door open for a stranger while letting it slam on his wife? Or a woman flirt with another man yet look at her own husband with disdain?
The spoken word is extremely powerful! In the days before women had rights, relationships were often framed by a biblical quote: “The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” (Prov. 31:11-12). If we consider this verse for both genders, it becomes clear that one of the most important premises for marriage is respect. Thus, correcting your spouse in public is simply not a good practice.
The best advice is to create a plan. You and your spouse won’t always agree about what happens when others are watching. You should both recognize the tension that arises when one spouse is displeased with the other. Instead of calling each other out, vow to use a silent, private signal in the presence of others. Then, when you’re alone, you can discuss what happened, allowing both of you to voice your concerns and feelings. The bottom line is that no spouse is superior to the other; in a marriage, both must be treated as equals. It is an adult-to-adult relationship and should always be respected as such.
3 Responses
Umentioned is the case of the spouse who tells stories or relates experiences to others with exaggeration (or even flat out incorrectly), so they are the one who are continually embarrassing their spouse in public (or providing inaccurate information to others).
Thank you. It is very hurtful. Good work!
Great article! This should extend to relate between everyone on the planet.