Out of nowhere, your husband tells you he’s leaving to shackle up with one of his co-workers. Now what? Could you pay the current mortgage? Would you be able to put food on the table, cover gas or insurance for your car, and keep your cell phone service active? Would there be enough income to keep the electricity on? If you are a stay-at-home mother, how would you find transitional income, and what would happen to the children when you return to work?
These questions are crucial for every parent to consider. The bottom line is that millions of people experience unexpected divorces—many simply leave without any forewarning or discussion about what will happen next. While it’s irresponsible, it’s a reality that occurs. Even in the aftermath of divorce, many women are left to face the consequences, which almost always include reduced income.
Bottom line: things were financially tough when the two of you were together. The separation means the same amount of money must now support two households and two sets of bills. The reality is that the court won’t grant you 100% of what he made, you don’t have much in savings, and it can take months to receive assistance from outside sources.
Could You Manage if Your Husband Left Tomorrow?
Vicki Stark, MSW, the author of RUNAWAY HUSBANDS: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal, conducted a study called The Sudden Wife Abandonment Project (S.W.A.P.). Her research involved studying the relationships of 400 women who were grief-stricken by their husbands’ sudden departures, leaving them unequipped to deal with life afterward. An excerpt from her book, titled “The Seven Steps for Moving Forward,” is designed to help women transition from their current situation to a better place. She believes that while women may be shocked by the news of an impending divorce, they can rebuild their lives for the better with diligence.
The Seven Steps for Moving Forward (Credit and Recognition Above)
- Recognize that the chaos will not last forever.
- Accept that it is really over.
- Integrate the fact that your husband has irrevocably changed and is beyond caring for your welfare.
- Understand why he feels the need to justify his actions, even if it means rewriting history, lying, or attacking you.
- Give up trying to get the acknowledgment and apology you deserve.
- Turn your focus from the past to the future.
- Celebrate your freedom as a single person.
Of course, the most challenging aspect is surviving financially. Few people are truly equipped for this, and the proceedings of divorce can take months. Experts encourage women to channel their emotional energy into researching their options. You may need to contact family and friends and start searching for assistance programs in your area. Many programs, such as TANF and church welfare initiatives, can help you maintain household stability until funds come in. If you’re employed, set up an appointment with your workplace to discuss your situation; there may be assistance available there as well. Additionally, if you were a stay-at-home parent, polish up your resume and start networking with former colleagues. Even transitional employment, even if it doesn’t pay as much as you’d like, is better than no job at all.
This is also a great time to differentiate between your needs and wants. Can you reduce your satellite television bill? Can you go without a cell phone or home phone? Are there items you can sell, bonds you can cash in, or stocks you can liquidate? Is there any possibility of getting a short-term, low-interest loan or a second mortgage on the home until you find yourself in a better situation? Should you consider putting your home on the market and looking for cheaper living accommodations? The quicker you can cut expenses and eliminate extras, the sooner you’ll be back on track.
If you woke up tomorrow to find a note and your husband’s belongings gone, you would be taken by surprise. You would feel lost, experiencing a range of emotions from anger to grief and everything in between. While it may seem wise to prepare for such a situation, the truth is there’s really no way to do so. However, it is smart for women to keep a savings account on standby that they contribute to sporadically to establish an emergency fund.
Tomorrow is never certain. Just remember that each day will bring a little more ease. At some point, you may realize your husband did you an immense favor by walking out the door and locking it behind him.
