A “Shut Down” Partner
After ten years of marriage, Jen informed Joe that she wanted a separation. They have two beautiful children, ages 7 and 9, and comfortable incomes, but that is not enough for Jen. She constantly complains that Joe is not engaged in their relationship and hasn’t been for many years. Jen feels she is responsible for most of the household duties and the primary caretaking of the children. Joe hardly talks to her, and affection and sex have dropped to an all-time low. She has tried to talk to Joe, but her attempts have led to total frustration, with no response. They have even tried a couple of marriage counseling sessions, but there were no lasting results. Jen feels she is sinking into a deeper depression and has built a large wall of resentment toward Joe. Now, Jen believes the only answer is a separation.
Joe was angry and shocked when Jen told him she wanted him to find a place to live. He questioned how she could just “throw” the family away and how much this would affect the kids. He also said that she made the decision to separate without talking to him first, and he felt blindsided!
Will this couple’s separation end in tragedy, or will it offer an opportunity for change?
Why Do Couples Separate?
Couples separate for many reasons, but usually because one partner is unhappy and feels unfulfilled for what they believe is long enough. Some couples are engaged in ongoing, open warfare. There is a “defensive volley,” where each partner’s position and comments are met with resistance and anger. More passive fighters may experience dead silence and distance, as both partners harbor internal anger and resentment toward each other. Sometimes, an unhappy partner has already disengaged and become involved in an affair. The disclosure of an affair can provoke enormous emotions and prompt a physical separation. Before someone moves out of the home, couples are usually already emotionally and physically separated, often sleeping in separate bedrooms or on the couch.
Can More Space Help an Ailing Relationship?
The answer is… it depends! As a couples’ counselor, I assess how invested and committed each partner is to their relationship. At one end of my Relationship Investment-Commitment Scale* are partners who are highly invested and committed. The next level is where at least one partner says there must be change, or she will consider the relationship over at some point. The scale continues with one partner either “at the door” or having already left, with little to zero commitment. This scale helps me gauge how much effort partners are willing to put into their relationship.
Is a Separation the First Step to Divorce or Breaking Up?
Again, this depends on the motivation and determination of the partner wanting the space.
I have worked with couples on the road to divorce who changed their minds even at the last minute. The work that happens during a separation is a major factor.
During a crisis or perhaps a stuck period in a relationship, a requested separation can act as a major “wake-up call.” When couples are engaged in ongoing and unresolved conflict, space can allow partners to gain some distance from their usual interactions. This break can help lessen bruised, hurt, and angry feelings as the relationship pattern is interrupted. A physical separation can breathe new energy into an ailing and unhappy relationship.
However, space alone may not fix what has not been working. I have heard many couples say, “We tried a separation, and it didn’t work!” Upon further questioning, I discovered that they truly believed all they needed was time and distance from each other to change their relationship. After reuniting and experiencing a brief “honeymoon” period, discouraged couples reported slipping back into their old patterns of relating. It is the work done during a separation that may move couples closer or further apart.
What Are Some Common Mistakes That Couples Make During a Separation?
- Couples often fail to focus on what they want to accomplish during a period of separation. Individual and relationship goals are not clearly defined. Without clear goals and shared responsibility, partners return to their relationship with the same expectations and behaviors that have repeatedly gotten them stuck.
- A major oversight of separating couples is failing to manage conflict. Even though there may be more physical space, the conflicts persist, and communication remains strained. For these couples, the initial goal of a separation should be to manage conflict. Without learning how to manage conflict and improve communication, their efforts will be spent on putting out the “fires” of anger and resentment that result from disagreements over necessary tasks like finances, sharing children, household chores, and levels of intimacy in their relationship.
- One type of separation does not fit all relationships. Often, couples decide on a “trial separation,” where one partner leaves the home for a period of time, uncertain whether they will ever reunite. There are several different types of separations, including in-house, brief, trial, pre-divorce, psychological, and therapeutic** separations that offer more options for couples.
- Couples who engage in passive conflict and are disengaged will not necessarily improve with more physical space alone. They must learn new ways of dealing with conflict, communicating, and reinvesting in their relationship. They already know how to take time and space from each other.
A New View of Separations
Whether separations end in reconciliation or breaking up, much can be learned. During a separation, the stuck pattern of the relationship is temporarily broken. This can be a time to reflect on how well you manage on your own. Some partners are very fearful of being alone, but distance may allow you to see your relationship and partner more clearly. Encouraging partners to decide and develop what they each need to work on during a period of separation helps create focus. The separation itself can provide the “right stuff” to make you stretch and grow. A positive and proactive view of separations can help you examine who you are and what you want. Even if you decide that a relationship is over, you can learn a great deal about your contribution, which can help you make a more informed decision about your next relationship. Separation can be a true opportunity for change and growth, whether you reconcile with your partner or decide to face life on your own.
