We all want the best for our children, and usually, that means providing them with a loving home, where both a mother and father are there to guide and nurture them. However, sometimes, for various reasons, this isn’t possible. When the reason is a division between the parents, such as divorce, it becomes crucial for the parents to find the best possible solution for their children. In a perfect world, both parents would be agreeable and work together to create a parenting plan that maximizes the children’s time with both parents while also providing them with a stable and nurturing home. But, as we know, not every situation is perfect, and that’s when a court often has to step in to determine what is best for the children. This is what we commonly refer to as a custody battle.
How to Approach a Custody Battle with Integrity
Being sued and having to go to court is never enjoyable, but it can be especially unpleasant when the suit involves the custody of children. Every good parent wants to do what they believe is best for their children. When parents disagree, they can go to great lengths to ensure their will is imposed on the situation. If you attend a few custody hearings at your local district court, you’ll see just how heated things can get. Every small imperfection—like a scratch or bruise—becomes evidence of poor parenting, while an old episode of drunkenness may be used to prove a parent’s inability to control themselves. These cases can cost both parties a lot of money and subject the parents and children to humiliating situations in public.
If you want to avoid turning your family’s experience into a circus act, there are several things you can do to make the process as smooth as possible. The most important factor is humility and honesty with yourself. Does relinquishing custody to the other parent actually endanger the child, or is it simply a matter of personal preference? As the custodial parent, does limiting time with the other parent truly benefit the child, or does it just make you feel like you’ve won against them? Often, custody battles are fought more out of ill will toward the other parent than with the children’s best interests in mind.
One resource I particularly appreciated when going to court myself was Child Custody Made Simple by Webster Watnik. It’s a 600-page book that, surprisingly, manages to break things down in a clear and simple manner. The book addresses the differences between laws in various states and walks you through the entire process—from the initial decision to file for divorce to the judge signing the final decree and parenting plan. Whether or not you choose to purchase this book, it’s essential to get help with your case. Almost everyone should at least consult with a lawyer to navigate the complexities of the judicial system and seek advice from knowledgeable professionals on how to deal with the lawyer.
The most basic piece of advice, however, is simple: do everything you can to remain civil. Not only is a calm and considerate parent exactly what children need, but every time you act out, you risk making a bad impression on the judge. The judge will spend hours reviewing evidence and past communications between the parents. They’ll be able to discern which parent is genuinely concerned about the children’s well-being and which is simply trying to make the other parent look bad. Be respectful, and remember that the guiding principle should be the clause at the top of your decree: In the interest of [your children]. This is not about you; it’s about your children.
So, what happens when you go to court? From the start, your lawyer will ask you to bring in every documented conversation with the other parent, any pictures of the children, and the contact information of witnesses who have seen you with the children. They’ll also want you to disclose any skeletons in your closet. Be truthful with them—they’ll protect your confidentiality, but they need to know everything to prepare for the case. You’ll also need to set up your home as if the children are already living there, even if they aren’t. This demonstrates that you have a safe and comfortable environment for your children. You might be required to undergo a court-ordered psychological evaluation and have social workers examine your home. This entire process is called discovery and can easily become the most expensive part of the trial.
Once all the evidence is collected and the court sets a date for your hearing, it’s important to show up on time, dressed appropriately. “Appropriate” means something in the business casual range—avoid clothing that shows too much skin or gives the impression that you are an unfit parent. Be polite to the judge and others in the courtroom, and try to remain calm and confident. Since hearings can take most of the day, depending on how much you and the other parent disagree, it’s a good idea to eat beforehand and use the restroom before entering the courtroom.
After reviewing all the evidence and hearing all the testimony, the judge will make a decision about the children’s future. This includes where the children will live, who will provide their health insurance, who will pay child support, and how much will be paid. While there is still some bias toward mothers in most courts, the process is becoming more balanced every day, so don’t assume gender plays a role in the decision. Instead, argue your case based on your ability to provide a happy life for the child.
Once the decree is signed, the case is largely over, but many aspects will remain unresolved. Until the children turn 18 (or finish college, in some cases), your situation could be revisited by the court. Continue to document everything and keep those records in a safe place.
If the custodial parent is missing exchanges, send them written notice that you intend to enforce the visitation agreement and document their absence. The best way to document this is to arrive at the scheduled time and place, and if they don’t show up, go to a nearby store and make a purchase. Keep the receipt with the time and date stamped to show you were in the area.
If the non-custodial parent is missing child support payments, maintain records of the failure and any attempts to enforce the payment. However, remember that a failure to pay child support is never a reason to deny visitation. Doing so may land you both in jail, leaving the children without any parents to care for them. Follow your state’s guidelines to attempt to recover the money.
There are a few more things that could cause trouble during or after the court proceedings. In most states, it is illegal to record conversations without consent, so avoid recording phone calls or in-person conversations. Also, if you are undergoing a divorce during the custody battle, don’t act like a single person until the divorce is finalized. Infidelity may not be a major factor in a custody case, but it could add to your list of character flaws if you have other issues to address. Finally, never make threats—whether physical or verbal. Anything you say can be twisted by the opposing lawyer and used against you, so don’t give them ammunition.
Fighting for custody is never easy. You will be emotionally and financially drained, your private life will be exposed publicly, and throughout the process, your children will also bear some of the burden. Please do everything you can to make it easier for them, both during and after the hearing. Ultimately, this should all be about giving your children the happiness and stability they deserve, and helping them build a life beyond what you might have imagined.
