“Daddy?” The whisper at the door comes two hours earlier than you’d like, the alarm clock reading 6:30 on a Saturday morning. You’d love to sleep in, but the kids are up, and there are diapers to change, breakfast to make, teeth to brush, and, most of all, chaos to contain. You could ignore the calls or tell them to go away, but you know that if you don’t get up, it will only be minutes until a fight breaks out or something else breaks—probably something expensive. Still want to have kids? Of course you do, because even with all of that, changing your name to “Daddy” and having a mini-you to bring a whole new sense of joy to your life is an experience that cannot be duplicated in any other way.
Now, I’ll be the first to tell you, if no one else has, that bubble gum is really hard to get out of hair. But I’ll also tell you that I’ve never laughed so hard in my life than when my children managed to do things I thought were impossible. They’re not just amazingly adept at getting their hair tangled or causing other undesirable consequences of bad ideas, but they’re also amazingly smart! From the very beginning, just watching your infant child take in all of their surroundings, playing little games of peek-a-boo, or practicing squatting and standing, you’ll be amazed. You won’t believe that you took part in creating this little person.
Becoming a Dad
When I first found out I was months away from morphing into a (hopefully) responsible, caring parent, transitioning from the carefree, unbound non-parent I used to be, I was extremely frightened. I can’t say I had enough money to run around downtown spending willy-nilly, but I was able to do pretty much everything I wanted when I wanted to because I had both the time and the money to do so. My wife and I had the option of jumping on a plane and heading off to wherever. We just had to turn off all the appliances and have the neighbors watch the dog. We could go from work to the movies, and from there stay up or go to bed at will. But that all changed when children became part of the picture.
From pregnancy on, everything changes. All fathers have horror stories of their significant others during pregnancy: it can be downright terrifying living with mood swings, and somehow every craving involves something nearly impossible to purchase at midnight. As the mother begins bonding with the soon-to-be child, she seems to withdraw from you, and life can become just not as fun as it once was.
One of the biggest ways I made this experience a lot less unexciting was to become involved. I accompanied my wife to her doctor’s appointments and ultrasounds. I did my best to help around the house and even went to the baby showers, bringing some guy friends along. I purchased a particularly helpful book, The Expectant Father by Armin A. Brott and Jennifer Ash, which outlines what is happening with the mother and baby by month, and how those things might affect me as well (did you know that men sometimes exhibit many of the same symptoms as the mother?). This book, and other resources, also helped me identify all the things I needed to plan for, from clothes and diapers to college funds. It can all be very stressful just trying to do the math on how much money and time you will need to put toward all of that, but you certainly aren’t the first one to go through this, so don’t hesitate to reach out.
As the due date approaches, time seems to slow down. Sometimes the baby comes early, sometimes late, and you and mommy start getting anxious weeks prior—and sometimes you have to wait for weeks after. Once the water breaks and labor starts, though, everything speeds up and doesn’t stop. You rush to the hospital, then wait, sometimes for hours, even days. You pace the hallway, hold her hand, manage visitors, and find places to put flowers. Then suddenly, you’re caught up in a flurry of pushes, breaths, and gloved nurses and doctors, until finally, you’re left with a tired, sweaty mommy and a pink or blue-clad, wriggling, red-faced baby. Watching that union between mother and child for the first time is amazing. Even more amazing is holding that bundle yourself, having him or her sleep in your arms for the first time, knowing that you have finally become Daddy. Click here to learn more about fatherhood.
That’s just the start, though. Next come the long nights and early mornings, sprinkled with amazing moments like first steps and first words. Rarely in there do you find the time for old bars and movies, but you don’t feel like you’ve missed anything. You’ve found a new joy in taking your little one to their first ballgame, kindling a flame that will later lead them to put on a jersey and swing for themselves. Instead of going to a concert, you’re watching a recital. Instead of hitting a rave, you’re going camping. It’s not that you gave up all the things you used to do, but you’ve found new and greater things to do with that child that once had you so worried—and it all goes by so fast.
I’ll tell you, sometimes it’s hard. I have to remind myself constantly that I was about the most difficult child a parent could have, always doing things my own way and having to learn everything through my mistakes. When they are really small, you wish they would just understand. And when understanding fails, you wish they would at least do what you tell them. You read Freud, Piaget, and all sorts of other psychology references trying to figure out why your child is acting up in school or why they are not catching on to potty training when other children their age did months ago.
It can be really difficult to remember that each child is different, with a soul and attitude all their own. The trick is finding out exactly what that unique personality is and helping develop it in the best way possible. We may want them to be a basketball star, but they may want nothing more than to make it on Broadway. We may disapprove of their friends or what they do when they’re on their own, but at every turn, we have to try really hard to remember that it is their life they are leading, not ours.
So, what do you do when you wake at 6:30 instead of 8:30? You smile and get up, letting the little one help put the blueberries in the pancake batter. When they spill their juice on the couch, despite how many rules you’ve made about no drinks outside the kitchen, you smile and help them clean the mess. You turn gray and go bald with worry. You sit in line at the emergency room waiting for the doctor to mend a broken arm. You do all of these things with vigor and joy because that is what you do when you are Daddy.
