Dating a married man is absolutely verboten – at least, that’s what our mother used to say. But then, she was always a religious woman who believed that dating – or even flirting – with someone already committed to another is a sin to be ashamed of.
“Have some class,” she’d say. “Why bargain your life away with a married man when there are other fish in the ocean? Fish that are free, that is.”
Dating a married man is a tricky affair because there are as many motives as there are personalities. But what if you didn’t know that the man you’re currently dating is married?
Telltale Signs
While some men see no point in hiding the fact that they’re married, others will use every trick in the book to conceal it. A smart woman, however, should be able to tell, especially if she’s been dating him for a few weeks. She should rely on her instincts on this one.
“It’s your cell.”
Married men will either keep their cell phones off while on a date, or will excuse themselves when it rings and say, “A client from out of town…”
“Let’s meet at your place.”
Did you ever wonder why he’s always at your place but has never invited you to his?“You’re so vague…”
A married man can’t afford to divulge too much about himself. He won’t give you his home number (“Call me on my cell”), tell you where he works (in case you decide to drop by for a surprise visit), or give you his real email address. Instead, he’ll give you a generic email address, like Yahoo or Hotmail.“I have to work this weekend.”
Married men find it extremely difficult to get away during the weekends because that’s family time. They’d feel awkward about being absent from home on Saturdays and Sundays because they’re afraid their wife might start an argument. You’ll begin to notice that you’re dating each other during the week and never once on weekends – like he’s never even asked you out for a day trip.
Women Dating Married Men
Let’s focus on the women first. Why do they date married men?
Women like a challenge.
You’ve got to give these women some credit for their persistence. It’s not because they love the man; to them, baiting him is the most exciting part. They are attracted to people they know they can’t have, and they think it’s an exciting adventure to pass the time away.
Women are not into commitment.
Naturally, they try to hook a man who isn’t free to commit… because he’s conveniently married. Like the type of woman who likes a challenge, these women are not interested in settling down, so they like dating a man who they know would never propose because he’s already been through that process. Some women just want to have fun, as Cyndi Lauper sings.Women are unable to find a suitable mate, so they steal someone else’s.
These are the “not-so-lucky-in-love” types who end up with men who are already taken because they have trouble attracting an unattached member of the opposite sex.And the best reason is: some women do love men who are married!
This can happen in the workplace or during a business trip. Physical attraction and falling in love aren’t two sentiments you can control with the flip of a switch. Sparks fly, and before you know it, a single woman and a married man are in love. That’s when the entanglement begins because the relationship will have to go “underground.”
Married Men Who Date
What kind of motivations are at play when it comes to married men dating other women?
Perpetual Casanova.
These are the kinds of men who are drowning in machoism, feeling that they’re nothing if they can’t prove their charm and sex appeal at every opportunity. Their mindset is still focused on prehistoric times, when males needed to hunt and look for prey. If there’s a willing victim, why pass up the chance?
Variety’s the spice of life.
These men made a lifetime commitment and intend on honoring that commitment, but who’s to stop them from having something different once in a while? After all, they go through the daily grind at home and at work, so they feel entitled to some R&R.Unhappy marriage.
Given a man’s constant need for love and affection (heard the rumor that they’re the weaker sex?), he will try to find these elsewhere if his wife is no longer capable of providing them. Marital conflict creates alienation between husband and wife, and when communication is shaky, some men will seek solace from another woman who will fill the void – someone who finds their jokes funny and their opinions valuable.
Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider wrote The Rules II (Warner Books, 1997) and devoted a chapter to fantasy relationships, explaining why women should not waste their time on them. While they did not specifically address dating married men, the situations they describe come close.
Women, they say, have a strange tendency to interpret attention as interest, or to conclude that a man is romantically interested when he shows the slightest attention. They felt compelled to include this chapter because they wanted to “smash any delusions women might have about a fantasy relationship.” They refer to professional relationships women have with their doctors, lawyers, and accountants. They add, “Unless he asks to spend time with you in a non-professional capacity, a relationship beyond business does not exist – and girls shouldn’t waste their time on non-existent relationships.”
If a married doctor says, “Call me anytime,” he’s not out to have a romantic affair with you. Because he knows you have asthma (or cancer or diabetes), he’s just trying to be sympathetic, and obviously, he’s doing what any doctor would do. “Call me anytime” is not synonymous with “Let’s have an extra-marital affair.”
Men like to flirt just as women do. They like to turn on their charms and captivate the female species – especially if they have the face and figure that could launch a thousand ships – but that certainly doesn’t mean they’re thinking of cheating on their wives. Even men in conservative professions like to have some fun, engage in small talk, and dish out compliments.
If women feel they’re getting too attached to their married doctors, lawyers, or accountants, they should make an effort to go out and meet more men. Men who are available.
If You Insist on Dating a Married Man…
We urge you to evaluate the relationship in terms of where it’s going – or if it’s going anywhere at all. As we said, there are men who like to play Don Juan de Marco but haven’t got the slightest intention of leaving their wives. They’re committed to their families and want their children to respect them.
Acting on impulse could lead to disastrous consequences, so some serious dialogue with your married date is essential. Make sure both of you understand that bringing your relationship out into the open will harm others. No matter how madly in love you both are, you’re not the only two people on earth. Others are bound to get hurt, and sometimes that hurt lasts forever.
Bear this in mind: the love you have for each other must be so intense that there’s no choice but to take the relationship to the next level – that is, breaking up a marriage, confusing the children, and awkwardly announcing it to the rest of the family.
Let’s hope, for the woman’s sake, that her married lover is really serious. Otherwise, he’ll remain married, and she’ll still be single for a long, long time.
