The dating game is exciting, yet equally challenging. Finding someone who could potentially be a perfect match for you can make you feel like you’re on a serious high. Before you know it, you’re swept away—everything seems brighter, the flowers smell sweeter, and you might even find yourself losing weight without trying because your brain is so in love, sending out marvelous chemicals. These chemicals help you overlook the subtle, and not-so-subtle, differences that may later cause conflict. Dating a workaholic, unfortunately, may become one of those issues that can either strengthen the relationship or lead to its demise.
It’s unreasonable to believe that either person in a relationship should have to give up who they are in order to be loved and nurtured. So, is being a workaholic part of someone’s identity? In some cases, unfortunately, yes. For some, working too much is a way of avoiding emotions. Before you came along, your partner may have been putting in extra hours at the office to avoid feeling lonely or to distract themselves from restless nights in a bed that can feel too large when they’re on their own.
Sooner or later, the workaholic’s significant other is going to feel neglected and may even begin to make demands on their partner’s time just to test their limits. After all, it’s normal to want to know what’s more important—the relationship or the job? Unfortunately, using these tactics is manipulative and unfair. The response you get may not be what you’re hoping for, and you may find that the job is prioritized over the relationship. In most cases, that’s not the reality. But really, how likely are you to bend when you’re aware you’re being manipulated into proving your love?
If you’re dating a workaholic, you might feel tempted to push the limits and try to get your partner to offer tokens of devotion. When you start feeling this way, check yourself. Schedule (if necessary) a time when you and your partner can sit down and discuss the balance between the time you need and the time spent at work. Some people are naturally driven, while others are just looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. Is there a significant reward for fewer hours if they meet a goal? If the long hours and weekend work are tied to an achievable goal, then chances are good that once those goals become tangible realities, the hours won’t feel as long.
Some people genuinely don’t know how else to live. When intelligent children are pushed beyond their limits time and time again—challenged at an unhealthy level of learning that forces them to give up soccer games, date nights, and even prom—they grow into adults who don’t know how to kick back and relax. Overachieving starts at a very young age, often with a pushy parent behind the scenes, subtly threatening (whether by withholding love or freedom) to push them further. In these situations, it can take a long time, a lot of love, and a great deal of trust for the workaholic to not only take some time off but to actually enjoy it without feeling restless or anxious about Monday morning. Okay, maybe it won’t be that extreme, but depression is a real possibility when a workaholic is forced to scale back their work.
A workaholic may not be able to change their priorities, and they certainly won’t do it for you. We’ve all seen those family movies where the father, sitting behind his desk at home, working feverishly on a project that will make or break him, looks out his window at his children and has an epiphany. While this is certainly Hallmark material, the message is still true. When you’re dating a workaholic, you can’t expect them to close the laptop and join you for a vacation unless they realize the benefits of participating in life beyond work.
Understanding the Workaholic’s Mindset
Since you can’t force a workaholic to change, you need to ask yourself: what are you willing to accept? Are you okay with seeing this person only at limited times? Will you get bored or jealous? Do you think monogamy will be difficult because you need more attention? Is the time you do spend together valuable enough to be supplied in limited quantities? How you answer these questions will play a major role in how you navigate your part of the relationship.
Be honest with yourself, with your needs, and with your workaholic partner. Understand that your needs may change over time, and so will theirs. Dating a workaholic requires a tremendous amount of honesty, negotiation, understanding (from both parties), and a commitment to maintaining the relationship at its peak through open communication. Maybe someday your workaholic will look through the window and realize they’re missing out on one of the best things life has to offer. But until they do, can you accept them as they are?
