Dating and Sex – Patience has its Virtues and Rewards

man and woman on the bed

Why Should You Feel That You Have to Have Sex on the First Date?

There’s no moral justification for it. There’s not a shred of evidence to prove that it’s the right thing to do. If you have sex on your first date, the only real advantage is that you’ll quickly find out if he snores (and let’s face it, people do think twice about marrying someone who snores). You’ll also discover if his hygiene is questionable or if he recently underwent a sex change. Apart from that, there is absolutely NO reason why you should try to score on your first encounter. None.

Your parish priest will be alarmed, your friends will disapprove, your parents… poor creatures… will be shell-shocked, and you… well… you could be setting yourself up for a truckload of heartbreak. No decent, self-respecting person would dare sleep with someone that quickly. Despite the 100% protection available or society’s silent tolerance for teenage promiscuity, having sex on your first date is just plain wrong. Anyone who thinks it’s “cool,” “no big deal,” or “no sweat” is probably dealing with some faulty wiring in their brain. You could be putting yourself at risk—not only physically, but also psychologically.

We live in an age of insecurity, where people are constantly chasing after their identities, yearning to belong, and seeking acceptance from their peers. Why the hurry? You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Don’t be damaged goods before you even reach your twenties. What we mean is: don’t become a soiled (and spoiled) rag before your time.

How Long Should We Wait?

For as long as it takes. We’re not asking you to abstain until you’re 65 ½, but an acquaintance is not the same as a friend. If you hardly know each other and don’t have the scorecards on each other’s quirks, then skip the bedroom for now and go out and play in the field. The old advice about giving up your virginity to the one you love is outdated and sure to provoke comments like, “Are you crazy?” But don’t go to the other extreme, either, by giving your virginity to someone you just met a few hours ago. Don’t be cheap with yourself! You’re worth far more than a couple of beers and a drizzle of flattering remarks. When a guy overloads you with compliments and says all the right things to bait you, play it smart and don’t bite. Get to know him—warts and all—before tearing down the barriers.

Whether you’re a teenager or a young adult, play the waiting game. Patience has its virtues—and its rewards. You can date as much as you want. It’s a real smorgasbord out there, but that doesn’t mean you should sleep with every person you date.

Sex & Dating Statistics

What does the landscape of dating and sex look like? Approximately 47% of American high schoolers have had sex. By their senior year, 67% of graduating students have engaged in sexual intercourse, and according to the Centers for Disease Control, this phenomenon has resulted in 84 pregnancies per 1,000 teenagers who have had sex.

Studies have consistently shown that romantic relationships—which are one of the most frequent preoccupations of adolescents—become more pronounced during the adolescent phase. This is because physical and emotional maturity increases during this stage in life.

In an Internet survey about dating and relationship patterns, respondents provided revealing answers. For example, when asked, “When does a date become a relationship?” 20% of respondents said after two months. A higher percentage—25%—said it happens when the date says “I love you.” Surprisingly, 3% said a date becomes a relationship after just one week. As for the sex factor, 13% considered that they were in a relationship after having sex.

When asked about their belief in love at first sight, an overwhelming 71% said yes, compared to 20% who said no, and 9% who were unsure.

As for the honesty of their dates, only 22% of respondents believed their date was 100% truthful, while the majority said no.

It’s up to you to assess how credible these statistics are. As you know, cold statistics don’t always paint a true picture. Furthermore, this was an Internet poll that didn’t set parameters regarding age, sex, education, or civil status. It was a “catch-all” survey, which could be criticized by the most disciplined academics.

However, the findings shouldn’t be dismissed outright, as they provide insight into general patterns and could serve as a useful incentive for you to investigate the sex and dating world more closely.

Sex and Dating Expectations

We would treat any information on dating expectations as mere estimates of the real sentiments of men and women. Data on expectations should be considered guidelines—no more. This is because each individual is unique, and levels of maturity vary widely.

Nick Raborn of Humboldt University wrote an interesting article about gender and dating expectations. One of his observations is that there is a subtle double standard between men and women when it comes to dating and the issue of who pays for dates. He noted that when men and women date, there’s a formal ritual where men are expected to pay for the first few dates—even if it means running up a huge credit card bill. Their views differ. For instance, men generally feel they must pay for dates, regardless of who does the asking. Women, on the other hand, believe that if they are asked out, the man should pay, but if they ask a man out, they should pay.

Another interesting finding was that while some people claim they would never have sex on the first date, they sometimes break their own rules. Some men mentioned that they don’t set boundaries when they date and just do whatever feels comfortable at the time—although trust is always an element.

As for what men and women expect on dates, they shared similar views, one of which was the need for alcohol. For some, alcohol serves as an icebreaker, helping them feel less inhibited and more forthcoming. It helps shy people be more communicative and lightens the mood. The problem with alcohol, however, is that while it loosens inhibitions, it could very well be the “driver” toward sex that both people might regret the next morning.

Sleeping Over is Habit-Forming!

Don’t take liberties. Assuming you’re already in an exclusive relationship and are having sex with a special someone, sleeping over and having breakfast together the next morning are perfectly normal. But don’t start moving your entire dresser and closet in—at least not until you’ve had a chance to decide if you should live together.

People who lead independent lives like to keep it that way, so sleeping over too frequently could make your partner feel crowded. Leave some breathing room and allow time apart. Remember, you’re just dating—or maybe you’re already in an exclusive relationship—but neither of you has yet discussed living together permanently or making a deeper commitment. Time will dictate if you graduate to the next level, but in the meantime, clear out when it’s time to clear out. Because if it becomes a habit, your partner might start charging you rent!

Also, when you use the washer and dryer, the telephone, or other utilities, have the courtesy to contribute toward paying a portion of the utility bills. Never freeload, even if your date is the direct descendant of the Rothschilds!

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