Why should you feel that you have to have sex on the first date?
There’s no moral justification for it. There’s not a morsel of evidence to prove that it’s the right thing to do. If you have sex on your first date, the only advantage is that you’ll discover right away if he snores (people think twice about marrying a snoring partner). Or if his hygiene is questionable. Or if he recently went through a sex change. Apart from that, there is absolutely NO reason why you should try to score on your first encounter. None.
Your parish priest will be alarmed, your friends will disapprove, your parents…poor creatures…will be shell-shocked, and you…well…you could be setting yourself for a truckload of heartbreak. No decent, self-respecting gal or guy would dare hit the sack that soon. In spite of 100% protection that’s available or the silent tolerance for teenage promiscuity, it is plain wrong to have sex on your first date. Anyone who thinks it’s “cool” or is “no big deal” or is “no sweat” suffers from a brain with faulty wiring. You could be infected, not only physically, but also psychologically.
It’s the age of insecurity, a constant chasing after one’s identity and the need to belong and to be accepted by your peers. Why the hurry, anyway? You’ve got your life ahead of you. Don’t be damaged goods before you reach your 20’s. What we mean by that is don’t be a soiled (and spoiled) rag before your time.
How Long Should We Wait?
For as long as it takes. We’re not asking you to abstain until you’re 65-1/2, but an acquaintance is not a friend. If you hardly know each other and don’t have the scorecards on each other’s quirks, then skip the bedroom for now and go out and play out in the field. The saying about giving up your virginity to the one you love is outdated advice and is sure to provoke “are you crazy?” comments, but don’t go the other extreme either by giving your virginity to someone you just met a few hours ago. Don’t be cheap with yourself! You’re worth a lot more than a couple of beers and a drizzle of flattering remarks. When a guy overdoses on compliments and says the right things to bait you, play smart and don’t bite. Get to know him, warts and all…before tearing down the barriers.
Whether you’re a teenager or a young adult, play the waiting game. Patience has its virtues…and its rewards. You can date all you want – it’s a real smorgasbord out there, but you can’t have sex with each one you date.
Sex & Dating Statistics
What’s the landscape like in the dating and sex scene? Approximately 47% of American high schoolers have had sex. By their senior year, 67% of graduating students have engaged in sexual intercourse, and this phenomenon, according to the Centers for Disease Control, has led to 84 pregnancies out of 1,000 teenagers who have had sex.
Studies after studies have shown that romantic relationships – given that they constitute one of the more frequent preoccupations of adolescents – become pronounced during the adolescent phase. This is because physical and emotional maturity increases during this stage in life.
Based on one Internet survey that collected data on dating and relationship patterns, respondents gave revealing answers. For example, on the question, when does a date become a relationship? Twenty percent of the respondents said after two months. A higher percentage however – 25% – gave the answer “when the date says I love you”. Happily, a small percentage – 3% – said that a date turns into a relationship after a week. What about the sex factor? Thirteen percent considered they were in a relationship after sexual intercourse.
Next, the respondents were asked whether or not they believed in love at first sight. This was a surprise. An overwhelming number – 71% – said yes, they do believe in love at first sight, as opposed to 20% for “no” and 9% for “I don’t know.”
When asked if they thought their date was 100% truthful, only 22% said yes, while the majority said no.
It’s up to you to assess how credible these statistics are. As you know, cold statistics don’t really paint a true picture. Besides, it was an Internet poll that did not set any parameters with respect to age, sex, education, and civil status. It was a “catch all you can” type of survey which could be criticized by the most disciplined of academics.
The findings, however, shouldn’t be pooh-poohed, because they do clue you into general patterns, and could serve as incentive to investigate the sex and dating arena more closely.
Sex and Dating Expectations
We would take any information on dating expectations as mere estimates of the real sentiments of men and women. Data on expectations should be treated as guidelines – no more than that. This is because each individual is unique, and degrees of maturity vary widely.
Nick Raborn of Humboldt University wrote an interesting article about gender and dating expectations. One of his observations is that there is a very subtle double standard among men and women when dating and the issue of who pays for the dates. He said, for example, that when men and women date, there is a formal ritual where the men are expected to pay for the first few dates – even if it means running up a huge credit card bill. Their views differ. For example, men say that regardless of who does the asking, they feel that generally they have to pay for the dates. Women, on the other hand, believe that if they get asked out on a date, the man should pay, but if they ask a man out, they pay.
Another interesting finding was that while some people decide they are never to have sex on their first dates, they do break their own rules at times. Some men said that they don’t set any boundaries when they date; they just do whatever they feel is more comfortable at the time although they mentioned there must be an element of trust.
As for what men and women expect on dates – they shared similar views, one of which was the need for alcohol. To some, alcohol serves as an ice-breaker, a way to be less inhibited and to be more forthcoming. It helps shy people to be more communicative – their way of lightening up on a date. The problem with alcohol, though, in spite of it loosening up inhibitions, is that it could very well be the “driver” towards sex that dating friends could regret the morning after.
Sleeping Over is Habit Forming!
Don’t take liberties. Assuming you’re already in an exclusive relationship and you are having sex with a special someone, sleeping over and having breakfast together the next morning are perfectly normal. But don’t start moving your entire dresser and closet in! Not at least until you’ve had a chance to decide if you should live together.
People who lead independent lives like to keep it that way, so sleeping over too frequently during the week could give your partner the feeling of being crowded. Leave some breathing room and allow time apart from each other. Remember that you’re just dating, or maybe you’re already having an exclusive relationship, but none of you had yet discussed living together permanently or making a commitment to each other. Time will dictate if you graduate to the next level, but in the meantime, clear out when it’s time to clear out. Because if it becomes a habit, he or she just might charge you rent.
Also, when you use the washer and dryer, telephone and other utilities, have the courtesy to contribute towards paying a portion of the utility bills. Never freeload, even if your date is the direct descendant of the Rothchilds!