There is nothing fun about the entire divorce process. From start to finish, it can drain the energy and life out of two people and their extended families. For many men and women, this newfound freedom leads them to wonder whether dating while going through a divorce is the right thing to do. Each set of personal circumstances surrounding the divorce can result in a different answer, so it is important to evaluate your own situation before jumping back into the dating world.
The first thing to ask yourself is whether you are dating as a form of rebounding or because you genuinely have an interest in forming new relationships. After emerging from a marriage, you can feel left out, lonely, fearful, and insecure about your role as a single person in the world. If you have children, especially young ones, you may worry about how they feel not having a dual-parent household. At any rate, you should give yourself a little time before signing up for the best dating service you can find. If you don’t allow yourself to work through your pain and learn the lessons it can teach you, you won’t be the best partner to someone else. Additionally, if you were the one who was dumped in the divorce, you might be trying to recreate something in others as a way to heal your own broken heart. Don’t be mistaken—sometimes a little distraction can help take your mind off someone, but it isn’t a sincere or healthy reason to dive into a “date-a-thon.” Plus, every one of us has been in a relationship where we were just a replacement for someone the other person really loved, and that doesn’t feel good. Meeting the perfect person under these circumstances can ruin any future chance at love with them.
Considerations Before Dating During Divorce
The next thing to consider before dating during a divorce is whether or not the marriage at hand has any chance of being saved. If the divorce is a result of a heated moment, you may be able to salvage the marriage at some point. Adding other people to the mix too quickly can hurt these chances and make it even more difficult to reconcile. Also, consider the state of your divorce. If dating is going to harm the legal process or proceedings of a divorce—especially if children are involved—you might want to keep your interests in check for just a little longer.
Kids make dating during a divorce even more difficult. How can you expect a child to truly understand why Mom or Dad is with someone else? Divorce can be especially hard on kids, and many parents, tired of their state of being, can place demands and expectations on their children out of selfishness and resentment for their unhappy marriage. Take a step back. If you want to date and the divorce is not final, you may want to find ways to do it privately. Expecting your children—whether young or older—to care about someone as emotionally as you is unreasonable. Plus, your newfound happiness with another person can feel like a threat to their lives. Instead, wait as long as possible before introducing the person to your children. Don’t invite them to stay the night with you. Remember that whatever happens in your life will also be shared with your ex, and this type of constant dating can trouble custody and settlement arrangements. While you may feel like “I am an adult and can do what I want,” your children count on you, and you must act responsibly on their behalf. The other side of this is that getting your child attached to people you date makes it ten times harder on them when you break up. Your child needs his or her parents first, and no matter what makes Mom or Dad a horrible spouse, it doesn’t mean they are horrible parents.
Dating while going through a divorce can also be difficult if the person you are dating has anything to do with the divorce. For most couples who start out as an affair, the insecurity of the person cheating again (this time on you) is common. The other issue is that jumping from one serious relationship to another doesn’t give you enough time to heal and experience personal growth. You will likely carry the same troubles from your marriage into your new relationship. The difference is that they will take on different shapes, but the problems will remain the same.
If you are dating during a divorce, make sure that you are honest with the people you are dating. Whether you post your profile online or pursue a local dating scene, you should make every effort to ensure that the people you date understand your situation. If children are involved, tell them from the get-go so they understand when you decline certain things in the relationship. Also, realize that the rules have likely changed since you started dating. Technology can make the dating scene seem easier than ever, but it is also more dangerous. Many people will present themselves as one thing online, only to turn out to be a threat to your safety in reality. Try to keep things in perspective and have fun while remaining safe. Just because you are throwing yourself back into the dating scene doesn’t mean you have to be over-eager to meet and greet every person that seems interesting.
Whether you date or not while going through your divorce is completely up to you. Just take the time to decide what went wrong in your first relationship before bringing too much stress into your life. Be realistic about what you expect from another person and about what you truly have to offer. If you are dealing with heartbreak from your divorce, then enter the dating pool slowly. The same is true if you have children. The dating world can seem exciting and full of passion, especially in the midst of a divorce, but eventually, most will find that it provides little substance.
