Is It Ever Acceptable to Date Your Best Friend’s Ex?
Breaking up is hard to do. But what happens when you break up with someone and then find out that your best friend has picked up the pieces and started dating your ex? Is it ever acceptable to date your best friend’s ex, or is it better to let sleeping dogs lie and avoid accepting “leftovers” from a friend?
The reality is that when it comes to love, many unwritten rules seem to fly out the window. When emotions like passion take over, it can be incredibly difficult to think rationally. Consider a scenario where your best friend’s ex comes to your house to talk, and before you know it, you find yourselves involved in a passionate one-night stand. For a moment, you might even think you have feelings for this person. It happens. Sure. But is it right?
Most people would say no. One of the unwritten rules of friendship is that you should do your best to keep exes out of your future romantic life. Even if you feel a strong attraction or have lingering feelings for your friend’s ex, remember there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Dating your friend’s ex is the quickest way to cause a rift in the friendship. Before jumping into bed with your best friend’s ex, ask yourself: How much do I value this friendship? Even if your friend says they don’t care or even gives you permission to date their ex, deep down, they may still feel betrayed by you stepping into their former relationship. In some cases, dating an ex can feel like a personal betrayal, especially if the breakup was due to infidelity or cruelty. After all, you’re supposed to be there for your friend, offering support and comfort through the breakup, not going behind their back.
It’s also worth considering that dating your best friend’s ex may suggest that you were harboring feelings for them all along. This, too, can break the unwritten rules of friendship and might cause your friend to lose trust in you and feel disrespected. Again, ask yourself how much you value the friendship over the initial rush of passion. When those feelings subside, will you miss your friend more, or the fleeting relationship with their ex?
Another important consideration is that someone in this complicated love triangle is going to end up hurt. It might be you, it might be your friend, or it might be the ex. Love triangles also tend to stir up jealousy, especially when you know too much of their history through your best friend’s perspective. Even if you try to push aside the conversations you’ve had about the relationship in the past, it’s hard to erase them completely. This leads to doubts and questions. Are you as good in bed as your best friend was? Why did the ex take your friend out to dinner all the time but only order takeout at your house? Why does the ex seem less interested in dressing up for you than they did for your friend? These little things are proof that knowing too much about a lover’s past—especially through a best friend—can be toxic to a relationship.
Unfortunately, love often sprouts in the strangest places. If you feel a romantic pull toward your best friend’s ex, the best course of action is to talk to your friend first! But before you have that conversation, take a step back and honestly evaluate your feelings. Is this conversation worth risking your friendship? Consider how your friend might feel, and pay attention to their body language, not just their words. They may try to hide their true feelings in an attempt to avoid conflict and make you happy. If your friend gives you the green light, proceed with caution. Understand that your friend may no longer want to be involved in the nitty-gritty details of your new relationship.
In the end, dating a friend’s ex is generally not recommended. Some situations in life seem like no-win scenarios, no matter how many times you try to spin the story. And this is definitely one of them. If you choose to sacrifice the friendship for love, then hopefully what you’re left with will be something truly worth it. But that’s something only time can reveal.
