Your Daughter’s First Boyfriend – Get Prepared for a Lot of Emotions

If you made it through middle school without having to deal with your daughter’s first boyfriend, consider yourself lucky. Once the hormones hit, life among the happy family changes drastically, and the introduction of a boyfriend can be one of the most troubling moments—especially the first one! Take a deep breath; realize that, like potty training, this too is just a phase. Unfortunately, it probably won’t pass anytime soon.

The first piece of advice for mom and dad is to keep your cool. Young girls can get completely caught up in their first romance, and having parents breathing down their necks, continuously forbidding the relationship, or voicing their disappointment will only make her more adamant about remaining connected to him. If you can accept the boyfriend, invite him to dinner, and show her that you won’t embarrass her, you will be setting yourself up for better teenage years filled with honesty and open communication. If you react in ways that make her feel unsupported, chances are she will choose to hide things from you. Certainly, you don’t need to know every gory detail about their relationship, but keep your eyes and ears peeled for the important ones.

Maintaining Balance and Healthy Boundaries

The time spent together can be disrupted. For her protection and sanity, make sure she continues seeing her friends, engaging in her normal extracurricular activities, and having more on her plate than just daydreams about a squeaky-voiced boy. This way, when he or she moves on, she won’t fall into a wall of depression and pain. Perhaps the worst part of your daughter’s first boyfriend is that your daughter’s first heartbreak is just around the corner. This is one of the reasons it’s vital to keep her busy while allowing time for the ‘intruder.’

Also, make both of them feel welcome at your house. This means letting them watch TV together in the basement, inviting him for dinner, and not minding if he comes over to do homework with her. Ultimately, you would rather depend on your watchful eye than trust that HIS parents are home. If they feel welcome and sense they’re getting an appropriate amount of privacy, they will not feel the urge to lie, sneak, or hide things. Yes, it might be difficult to watch your favorite sitcom, knowing that your little Sally might be learning how to French kiss in the basement, but at least you can walk down there anytime and interrupt them. And you should!

Speaking of French kissing, understand that your children know much more about sex than you think they do. If you haven’t scanned their emails or tried to translate their text messages by now, you might want to take a look! Still, you should have “the talk” and have it often! In fact, bring it up every chance you get! This means asserting your position on abstinence and morality while allowing your daughter to understand the difference between love and attraction, and between consent and feeling pressured. Outline the consequences of having sex too soon and stress the importance of waiting. While telling her that there will be plenty of other boys in her life might not make an impact at this point, rest assured that she is listening. Dad has a voice in this too. He is the one who can remember being a teenage boy, and any input—however unwelcome—is necessary. Remember, she loved dad first! She needs to know how boys her age think, and she needs to be aware of the consequences of neglecting her judgment. If she’s old enough to have a boyfriend, she’s old enough to sit there, red-faced, while you preach. Don’t forget to mention her reputation and all the nasty little details that can pop up when a young girl trusts a young boy too much, too fast! Be as honest as you can.

One aspect of your daughter’s first boyfriend you should consider is the money it can cost you if you’re not clear right from the start. Cell phones and text messages can really add up. SET BOUNDARIES! Additionally, set boundaries while in his presence. If he wants to “play house,” then he can act like your son-in-law and get a firsthand glimpse of what it is you expect and won’t tolerate. Talk to his parents as well and make sure they are aware of the relationship and the amount of time the two kids are spending chatting electronically. The last thing you want is for his parents to get upset and freak out on your daughter. Make a phone call to them and directly ask what they expect from the couple and what their ground rules are. This way, the two of you can stay on the same page. You might also find that you don’t like his parents or feel they are less interested in protecting your daughter than you would like! This is important information to have.

The whole situation can be disturbing. It’s a sure sign that your little angel is growing up. At the same time, remember your first relationship and the excitement and dazzle it stirred in you. Don’t squash her opportunity to feel the same exhilaration. Allow her to make decisions from time to time and ensure that your spot in her life remains secure by keeping your head as clear as possible. Teach her through this relationship that the role of women is not to be taken advantage of, and help her gain assertiveness and independence when it comes to men at an early age. This will serve her well in life down the road. How well you handle the first boyfriend will play a large part in how included she allows you to be in the future. Even if you think he is a loser, try to be supportive as much as possible and keep a tight grip on the reins of her life. Your daughter’s first boyfriend will definitely not be the last, so you might as well get used to the routine and find practical ways to stay connected and influential!