The story is as old as Cain and Abel: the relationship between siblings is not always one laced with love and grace. If you ask most parents, they will likely wonder what in the world made them decide to have more than one child. The fighting can be annoying at best—and relentless at worst. Worse still, it seems that when siblings are involved, there is always an underlying air of competition between them. Whether they are trying to see who can eat the most cereal or who can get the most love from mommy and daddy, it’s a constant battle.
How to Handle Sibling Rivalry
The question is: how do you deal with competition among siblings? You love them all the same, right? And you wish that instead of constantly trying to engage in the game of Survivor, where they outwit, outdo, and outplay one another, they would just learn to accept things as they are. Sam might be a better baseball player than Scott, but Scott is better in school. Having talents and skills that set you above or below others is part of life, and it’s often learned at home.
Sadly, children often deal with this competitiveness with sheer brute force and a lack of compassion. Do you remember your big brother holding your arms behind your back and making you sniff his socks? That was sibling competition at its finest.
For parents, the endless competition can wreak havoc on the family dynamic and disrupt the peace at home. As a parent, you must realize that one of the main reasons your children are so different—even though they were raised in the same home—is this competitiveness. Often, younger siblings who get picked on the most develop a stronger personality and a different drive than the older ones, simply because they have to. The older siblings, who have had to deal with the arrival of a new baby and the attention it receives, often feel threatened and try to find small-minded ways to beat their younger sibling, even if it’s at a race. From an adult’s perspective, it’s easy to see this competition as bullying—and oftentimes, it is. Through the delivery of punishment or discipline, older siblings feel defeated and can actually become even more competitive with the younger children in the home. It’s truly a vicious cycle.
Dr. Sylvia Rimm, a renowned family therapist, advises parents to avoid labeling their children. Parents, in an effort to encourage self-esteem, may start giving their children labels, such as calling one child the “brainiac” and the other the “athlete.” Unfortunately, these labels, given with the best of intentions, often increase competitiveness and undermine the kids involved. The “brainiac” may feel inept at sports, while the “athlete” may feel as though they will never measure up to the “smart” child. As a result, the competition between them intensifies. Avoiding labels and making sure you don’t falsely discourage one child while encouraging another is crucial.
Avoid telling your children that they are the “best” at anything. Instead, try to support their differences without using comparison terms. If one child is considered the beauty of the family, the other kids may covet this title and feel ugly in comparison. Also, remind your children that the whole family can be successful, and they aren’t competing against each other.
Additionally, if you have close-aged siblings, it’s important to treat them as fairly as possible. Children with close ages or twins often feel radically undermined by their siblings. Research shows that close-aged siblings can be ultra-competitive, and the “losing” sibling may experience some drastic effects, such as becoming an underachiever later in life. The same is true for siblings with large age gaps. The baby of the family can often be so overprotected by siblings—and at the same time resented by them—that they may experience trouble later in life.
Ways to Reduce Sibling Rivalry
- Spend equal time at all of the children’s extracurricular events. Even if you love baseball more than ballet, it’s important that the entire family supports one another. Teach your children how to cheer each other on.
- Always encourage your children to do their best! Teach them early in life that their best may be better than, or not as good as, someone else’s best. It’s okay to come in second, as long as they tried their hardest.
- Be aware when your children are being overly competitive with one another and try to change the mood so that they can enjoy activities rather than focusing on the competition.
- Develop a strong sense of unity within your family. If your family can be strong together, and your children stand up for one another, they will be empowered.
- Never allow older children to bully younger ones. While your 10-year-old might run faster than your 5-year-old, it’s important to step in if the older child uses this advantage to put the younger sibling down. Privately explain to the older sibling that bullying won’t be tolerated, and explain to the younger one that some things are easier to do when they’re older.
- Make sure your children know and hear often that you love them all the same. Respect their differences, but love them equally.
Sibling competition is not always a bad thing. Many researchers believe that younger children often overachieve because they are so competitive and have older siblings to measure up to. As long as you aren’t encouraging this attitude and are careful to keep your children from bullying one another, things are likely to turn out just fine. After all, competition is part of life.
