Dealing with Death – The Grieving Process

I can remember the first time I saw something dead — or at least something I loved dead, which wasn’t just a bug or worm I had squashed with my own feet. It was my bunny, and I can still remember exactly how I felt: confused, numb, bewildered, curious, and sad. Even as we grow older, most people find that death is a difficult thing to deal with, leaving us all somewhat humbled in a curious way.

It’s important to understand that dealing with death is one of those issues in life that every person approaches differently. No two people will have the same feelings about death, and no two people will react exactly the same. Some people see death as part of the life cycle and accept it, while others become angry about losing a loved one, whether human or pet. But what remains consistent is that death has to be dealt with. Grief is not necessarily an emotion, but a process that leads to healing. Since death varies from person to person, the grieving process will also vary. It is not for any one person to say or interject opinions about how someone else should deal with death in their lives.

The Mystery of the Afterlife

Perhaps one of the most conflicting issues when dealing with death is that the afterlife is such a mystery. Regardless of religious or spiritual beliefs, the black unknown that occurs after we die is something no one can explain. For this reason, worry often follows the death of a loved one. It’s normal to feel worried that they are okay, that they made it to your version of Heaven. And the reality is that as you deal with the death of someone you know, you can’t help but also worry about what will happen to you.

Whether it’s an adult or a child dealing with the loss, it’s important to be supportive. You may not be able to find the right words, and you might feel that the things you do say seem cliché or almost uncompassionate. To support someone you love who is grieving, you don’t have to say anything. Ask them how they feel, offer a hug, and try to relate from the part of yourself that has faced similar loss. Although your theories and opinions about death are intended to help, it’s often best to be a listener rather than a talker.

Children deal with death much differently than adults. Not only is it harder for them to rationalize, but in their world, death is not something they often have to confront. In fact, the first losses for a child may be that of a pet. This can be an important time to teach them about death and help them find their own grieving process. The worst thing people can do is ignore the death or try to continue forward without allowing the child to grieve in their own way. Parents often make the mistake of trying to keep things as normal and uneventful as possible, which can make the child feel displaced from what they’re truly feeling. Understand also that it’s not unusual for children, especially, to seem detached from the death at first. This often causes concern for parents and caregivers, who feel the child is repressing their feelings. However, this is likely just part of the child’s grieving process. For children, it can take months or even years to truly process the gamut of emotions that dealing with death can cause. And some may not react negatively at all, especially when the death was something they were expecting, or that of someone not immediately close to the family.

Perhaps one of the worst things about death is that we assume, as humans, that it is part of life. But living — the absolute prerequisite for death — in no way prepares us for dealing with loss. In fact, the only thing that prepares us for dealing with death is experiencing it ourselves.

People also assume that when the time comes to deal with it, we will operate on some sort of autopilot that will lead us out of the tunnel and into the light again. But when faced with death, we realize that even though we may have thought we were prepared, we just aren’t. This means that as a friend or loved one of someone who has experienced death, you cannot expect them to “come around” or “get over it” within a certain time frame. Many people never fully get over the death of someone they loved. And while this may seem irrational to you, and you may want to help, you are left feeling helpless because you don’t understand their process.

Similarly, when children grow up without experiencing death — and become adults who have never lost someone close to them — they are more likely to have a more relaxed reaction when, say, their mom or dad dies at the age of 90. In contrast, someone who has dealt with death at a young age, when it didn’t make sense and felt more like a punishment than a part of life, may react with anger every time they experience another loss. Each time, they revert back to the initial reactions they had as children, which can make the grieving process even more painful.

The Grieving Process

Essentially, the best way to deal with death — whether it’s because of someone close to you or because a dear friend has lost someone — is to remain open to whatever emotion comes your way. Dealing with death is easier when people feel they have a support system, and the entitlement to be angry, sad, resentful, scared, worried, and even relieved — in any order, at any time! Truth is, no one really “recovers” from dealing with the loss of a loved one. There will always be memories, and life from that day forward will always be different. Part of the reason death is so difficult is that it’s a mystery — and it’s one of those forces in life that none of us can change or alter.