We’ve all seen those public service announcements where one teenager tries to convince another to do something against their moral fiber. Typically, there’s some name-calling, a daring challenge, and a look of disgust when the “good” teen refuses to fall for it. Peer pressure often appears in this obvious and recognizable form. However, more often than not, peer pressure is so well disguised that teenagers don’t even recognize it as such. In fact, it’s so cleverly masked that those exerting the pressure may not even realize they’re doing it.
Peer pressure usually stems from the people your child chooses to associate with. They value their friends, or they wouldn’t be friends in the first place. Peer pressure is often hidden behind behaviors that seem like good deeds. For example, your son’s best friend might teach him how to achieve a stronger lay-up, or your daughter’s new friend could help her improve her algebra grade. These are good kids.
And they really are good kids. You’ve met them, had them over for dinner, and they’ve earned your stamp of approval. In fact, your approval plays a role in this hidden peer pressure. Because you believe these are good friends for your child, you assume they must be.
The Hidden Dangers of Peer Pressure
And therein lies the essence of peer pressure. It’s easy for a teenager to overlook one negative behavior when surrounded by so many positive ones, justifying it to themselves. Knowing that their friend trains hard or understanding how much pressure they’ve been under can make it easier for an adolescent to excuse the behavior—especially if it doesn’t happen often.
At the first exposure to a negative behavior, it’s just as easy for the offending teen to justify their actions in order to dismiss any discomfort. They may use excuses like, “I only do it once in a while” or “It’s just a temporary relief because of stress.” This gives the impression that they have control over their behavior and that it won’t lead to negative consequences.
Over time, the behavior may begin to seem acceptable. It can even make your child question everything they’ve been taught, because none of the bad things they were warned about seem to be happening—at least not yet. Adults often make a big deal out of things that don’t seem significant to adolescents, so they might think, “Maybe this isn’t as big a deal as we were told.”
This is why it’s so important to continue talking to teenagers about the dangers of behaviors that could get them into trouble. Whether it’s smoking, drugs, drinking, sexual promiscuity, huffing, body mutilation, or actions that can harm others, regular discussions about the dangers of these behaviors—and checking in on their friendships—gives your child a chance to open up about any potential risks they’re facing.
Adolescents are not always forthcoming. Even though we reassure them that we are here to listen, few will seek out parental advice when they’re dealing with peer pressure they don’t even recognize as such. While they might feel uncomfortable with certain behaviors, they don’t see anything that seems out of control or dangerous. So, why would they want to risk a good friendship by reporting their friend’s actions over something abstract and potential? Asking the right questions and really listening to their answers is one of a parent’s best defenses.
As your child grows accustomed to their friend’s negative behavior—and doesn’t witness any immediate consequences—what’s to stop them from joining in? If no one is directly warning them against it, the allure of trying something new and feeling “rebellious” can be too tempting.
Now, there’s a problem. All objections have been removed, and your teenager is engaging in something potentially dangerous. You won’t suspect anything because there’s someone guiding them through the process of not getting caught. By the time you notice any behavioral changes, they’ll likely be deep into the activity, making it harder to intervene.
There wasn’t anyone there shoving a joint, a cigarette, or a beer in their face, urging them to grow up. It just seemed like everyone else was overreacting, and since their friend Johnny was doing it without facing any negative consequences, they might think, “What’s the harm?”
Unfortunately, the harm often comes later, and it’s not something that kids easily get over. Someone could crash their car in a drunken stupor or hurt someone while under the influence of drugs.
How Parents Can Help
So, how do we as parents prevent this? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but a crucial step is teaching children to recognize this subtle form of peer pressure. We must help them understand that while the consequences may be hidden in future actions, they are still real and impactful. This is one of the few ways we can protect them from their own naiveté.
Our children are naïve. We can’t afford to be naïve ourselves. We trust our kids, and that’s a good thing. But we can’t expect that they will never make a mistake or act out of character just because they’re good kids from good homes. Everyone faces temptations at some point, and as parents, it’s our responsibility to understand the temptations being placed in front of them.
