Do you have a pesky neighbor who seems to peak his or head in your front door at the worst possible moments? Do you have family members that show up at your door, unannounced of course – right when you are in the middle of dinner or helping the kids with homework? Are there children in your neighborhood that are constantly ringing your door bell? If so, then you have a problem with unannounced company. In most social circles, visiting someone’s home, without calling ahead of time is considered rude behavior whether you are friend or family. Learning to deal with these unannounced visitors in the beginning is essential to nipping the behavior in the bud.
There are tons of tips for dealing with unannounced company. The first, and probably the most important tip– depends upon you. If every single time that nosy neighbor or annoying mother in law comes to the door, you welcome them with open arms and accommodate them completely; you are setting the state for more of the same. If you find that your sister comes over with her 3 bratty children the minute you serve dinner, and you feel the urge to accommodate their dinner needs as well, there is a good chance you are being manipulated and used. Sure, every one wants to be polite and welcoming of guests in their home. Yet, your guests should show you the same respect that you show them, by giving you a heads up and calling before they just show up.
It can be difficult learn how to turn company away. Especially when its family. But in order to set the precedent that a simple phone call is required before ringing your door bell, you have to set boundaries and limits. There is nothing wrong with opening the door to a neighbor, not inviting them in and informing them that you are in the middle of something. Ask them if they could come back the following day, or in a few hours. The same is true with family members. Or, if they must come in – make sure that you don’t make a habit of stopping everything you are doing in its tracks to sit down and host their unannounced visit. If you continue with your chores, or sit back down at your computer to work – they will eventually get the point. In fact, most reasonable people would see this as the time to say something such as, “I see you are busy, I will call you later!”
Of course, there are others who may become upset that you have ‘ignored’ them while they were at your house. These people likely don’t have very many social graces of their own, and you will literally have to be abrupt with them. You can avoid being rude in return by saying something such as, “You are welcome to stay – but I have a deadline to meet on this project, so I have to continue working.” Then carry on about your business. If they don’t take this as their clue to leave – so be it.
You should also let people how you feel about their unannounced visits. You don’t have to do it in the very moment. Instead, wait until you are on the phone with them and make a comment about how someone is always coming to your house without notifying you first. Explain how annoying it is, and how you wish they would just give you the courtesy of a simple phone call. This underhanded message may do the trick. If not, you have to make a point to let your friends and families know that you have a new house rule in effect which is, CALL FIRST. Most people can learn to respect this, and should understand that showing up at your home can be inconvenient at times. In other words, be honest. Tell your sister the next time she shows up at dinner that you didn’t know she was coming, and that you didn’t prepare enough to feed her family. Tell your mom that you need to work and that if she wants to come visit the kids, that’s fine – but you will need some quiet time.
When it comes to children, it is also important to set boundaries that speak volumes about your visiting policy. Many parents allow their kids to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood going door to door looking for available playmates. When they show up, tell them that your child cannot come out and play and that they can call them later. Don’t even allow them to come in the house. After a time or two, the child should be able to figure out that your home does not have a blinking, ‘Always Open,” sign. If it persists, call the parents and explain that while you appreciate their child, you would prefer they call you ahead of time to make play dates.
Another option, is simply not opening the door. This doesn’t mean that you have to hide in the darkest corner of your home until the person drives away. But literally don’t go to the door. If they call you, explain that you were in the shower, or upstairs, or taking a walk. They too will eventually get the point. If their efforts to visit stop working, they will find ulterior methods – such as calling ahead of time, before trespassing on your space and time.
Your home is the one place where you set the rules. It is indeed nice to have family and friends visit from time to time. But your home should not have a revolving door. You deserve to have quiet time, without company – and to have people give you the courtesy of calling you before they intrude in your home. If the tactics above don’t work with certain people in your life, then risk being hurtful to be honest.
This article is very helpful for majority of situations!
My problem is that my Husband told his side of the family call before you come years ago. They were showing up at random times…
Now they call and if we answer say are you home? If we are not they come wherever we are. If we are and I tell them now is not a good time they say oh well we will just be over for a minute. I usually answer and yes.
Lately they call and still come over when we do not answer our phone! I have tried not answering, staying busy, hinting. Please help with what can be done? My Husband doesn’t mind because it is his family. Btw they do not like me which is fine. This is making me feel as though are no boundaries for our house with our young children.
You need to be direct and explain that you do not wish to have company today, everyday or whenever they decide they wish to stop up. That you would like more time to spend alone with the family/kids or whatnot. You would prefer they ask when a good time for you might be rather than just decide for themselves, and that this is your private home, and you would like to set the pace of who is visiting, how often and when. You may mention your feelings, your experience, or what you would like instead, or tell them you would prefer to invite them over rather than they call to self-invite themselves. You could even offer up how long it has been since they returned the invite to their own homes. They may have just decided to move in on your big screen TV, refrigerator, gaming console, or to raise your children. You may find a way this works if you can use them as sitters, or trade time there with favors you need help with, maybe around the house, errands, or even help in paying for meals. Once they figure out it is not going to be all kicks and giggles, perhaps they will show up less often. Even more nasty jobs like taking out the trash, or cleaning up a playroom you could really use their help with, dusting or running a vacuum may in the end end up equalizing the deal, scaring them away or making you feel like you are getting the most out of their rude dropbys. Suggest they pick up dinner or groceries, amd they pay. Say the big screen doesn’t work but you have a tiny TV that can get a few channels, etc. And if you want to go out alone, tell them you are having a omamtic date nght, just the two of you, or try the Kirby guy is coming, the insurance broker, financial advisor, Mary Kay or Tupperware party hosting for someone else, church group, taking a course and have to study and have quite time for a test, doc appointment, massage. Have them walk the dog to get rid of them, say he likes to go for about 45 minutes, lol. Or just say no. Sorry, not tonight, have to go now. Talk next week.
People who disrespect you by dropping in deserve no respect, they don’t understand diplomacy or tact or basic civilized courtesy. Do not hide. Do not lower yourself to subtle compromise.
Confront your own fear of confrontation. Man up. And tell them never to stop by again in future without calling first. Oh and BTFW you enjoy your privacy, you never violate others privacy and you’d appretiate in future if they showed you the common basic courtesy of not dropping in, not freeloading, not wasting your time with their presence.
I guarantee you will never have a problem again…. unless they have an IQ of a moron.
In which case, tell them they are trespassing and have hereby been served notice… and if they still do t get it…just take out a restraining order.
Or… start talking about Jesus. Non stop. Either you will save their obnoxious soul… or drive them away. A win win.
Great comments! I’m with you 100%. There’s no other way with people so clueless but to be blatantly forthright from the instant they trespass against us. Be as polite as possible and say as little as possible; but whatever you do ward them off at the first pass unless you think nothing of wasting your time with this kind of people. They’re pathological. This kind of behavior is part if their personality. It’s all about them. You can not give them an inch; if you do, you’ve had it. The key is to trust first impressions with people. In the first few seconds if meeting them, what did your gut tell you? Listen to that — it never fails you.
Rarely is their an exception to this rule. Ever notice the people in your life you value the most wouldn’t dream of disrespecting your space unless for good reason?
What if that happens to be their favorite topic? 😭
Ha! Love it.
I have a note taped to my door that says the following:
“I appreciate friends who liked me enough to come and visit, however, I appreciate even more the courtesy to call and talk to me first! I find it rude to show up unannounced. If I did not know that you were coming please do not knock! I will not answer. Call or text and wait for my reply. Thank you” This way I don’t have to be snippity or even open the door! But if they knock anyway, oooh lordy! They won’t do it again!
I would like to have a note like that on our door for our kids friends… I know know I only have 2 kids but I swear 4 or 5 live here 🙂
So good to read these comments and realizing I’m not ‘crazy’. Weekends are for me whether I’m busy or ‘busy’. It’s rude to come unannounced and take up my time and energy (I’ve got rheumatoid arthritis and very limited energy). I just need to learn to be confident enough to communicate this with the unannounced visitors, or I’ll use the note option.
I have a neighbour who asked if she could come round, I said not today and she acknowledged the message but then turned up anyway? How do I stop this happening again?
I had a friend that couldn’t stay out of trouble show up a couple times within a week at my door. The second time I explained to him that I can’t have him just showing up out of the blue like that. But I didn’t like it and that I’m busy and have a life and was raising a child. Funny thing was I didn’t answer right away and he just sat on my porch for like a half hour which made me mad. People are crazy.
Ugh this has been happening to me for quite some time now. I made the mistake of moving back in with my mom about 2 years ago. Well I live with my husband and my son at her house. But almost every single day my older sister who lives literally like 5 minutes away from our house vistis every day. She has 4 small children and mind you our house is super tiny. Sometimes I dont even feel like coming home because she is already there I see her at work I dont need to see her every day at my house either! and what bugs me the most is that sometimes she just drops off her children there and goes and runs errands with my mom leaving me in charge of her children without even asking!!! She will just go into my fridge and cook for her and her kids without bothering to ask. So I never have a full stocked fridge because she brings all her children to feed off it. I know I may sound rude but it’s honestly gotten to a point where we just lock ourselves in our room to not deal with the craziness going on outside. Ive talked to my mom but she just says she feels bad for her etc. What do i do?????
Not really a friend, sounds more like a stalker by sitting on your porch.
(for others, as well as poster, who may read here, since this is an older post)
I have a hard time knowing where you are coming from. You have so many options.
1) Move out and get your own place. Even if it’s small, it will be yours. Do NOT open the door to her at your new place. She must call first. No exceptions. Learn to say no then smile and enjoy your peace.
2) If you really can’t move, and I mean it’s absolutely impossible, do not watch her children. Tell her when she arrives that you will not be watching her children. She can ask ahead of time, and you can decide what you are comfortable with. You are under no obligation.
It *is* your obligation to care for *your* family along with your husband. That means that you have to set your boundaries. Your priority should be your family. You can’t do that when you are living in your mother’s home. Get out and get free. Take a hold of your family’s wellbeing and schedule. Say no and be consistent.
You can’t do anything about the fridge. It is your mother’s fridge, and it is in your mother’s house. Move out and get your own.
I hope you make these changes. If you do not even try, you have no right to complain. You should not be living with your mother, unless she is incapacitated; and if she is, she should be living with you in *your* house or in a home like assisted living or a nursing home.
I wish you well. Above all, pray about everything, use wisdom then take ACTION.
Tell her your food is off limits, unless she is buying and paying for meals for your family too. If you feed and take care of her kids, she will keep coming back. Tell her that you work, and are just not up to taking care of her kids at her whim but can make arrangements with her that can work for both of you on occasion, while you agree on how she can reciprocate, like watching your kids so you can go out, if you trust her, or want that. Instead, just say you are sick of being her free babysitter and food source, and need a complete break from it. You need your time and money for yourself and your own kids and she needs to support her own family. These or something in between. You are not her employee, slave or mother, and need for her to do her part.
Be a grown-up and get your own house!
I can so relate to all of you, though this might be worse. My husband has a uncle who does this at least 2 times a week. He used to drop by unannounced on the regular, even though he lives like 30 minutes from us and has no other reason to be in our area except to see us. I do not feel comfortable around him, he also has mental problems and drug problems. So whenever my husband isn’t home with me and his uncle stops by, I always pretend to be sick or having to go somewhere, which is ridiculous, I know, but I don’t want to be alone with him. After the first few times he stopped by, My husband asked him to call first, but now what he does is call while 2 minutes from the house to tell us hes coming or he’ll call while in our driveway!! Even if the husband dosent answer the phone, he still stops anyway! I don’t know what to do, I just want my husband to stop answering when he calls and ignore him completey and hopefully he will get the point… He even sends “drawings” (lines and squiggles on paper with like 10 copies each),and hand written letters that make virtually no sense. ..i don’t know what to do.
If people were raised right and had half a brain, this thread would be unnecessary.
I have a next-door neighbor my husband and I talked to over the fence this summer or standing on the porch. Now, she rings our bell and then rings and rings it again if I don’t answer. The problem: my husband is a shift worker. If I have headphones on, I don’t notice until my dog barks. That wakes hubby. I have told her I am cooking or cleaning or whatever. She will say she’ll come back later unless I offer to come over. I was thinking of disengaging the doorbell or putting a sign that says, “Shift worker. Please do not ring bell,” over the ringer. She did have my cell number but says her phone is broken. I appreciate this article. I have been thinking I am just a social misfit and should be more accommodating. lol
Meanwhile I am a widow with no family within 2000 miles. I delivered presents to friends at Christmas and left them at front doors, even when I knew they were at home. I am alone at home 98 percent of my life. I do not like to disturb friends who I know are busy with work, family and their kids. Imagine my confusion when I got angry calls saying why didn’t I knock.. why did I not visit..why did I drop off packages and leave. One woman showed up on my doorstep rattled and angry with me. I have a “no visit” friends at home rule because I respect that everyone is busy with family and work. I am lonely all the time and I have about 5 hours of human contact monthly but I would not dare to add me to someone else’s day when they finally get off work and home time. Good grief. There is a lot of people who are very alone and lonely in our country. It does not kill!
I have a former neighbor who constantly stops by without notifying me first. One time, my house was a mess and was not fit for visitors so I had to step out and talk to her outside. It was really embarrassing and annoying at the same time. Another time, I wasn’t home and my son answered the door. Why do people feel that your time is theirs and they can drop by without a call first? I like the idea of not opening the door. That’s what I will do next time.
Used to have friends that did this constantly i would get so annoyed, i eventually told them to stop doing that.. its definitely a pet peeve of mine
This always happened to me…I usually had a note referring to manners and common courtesy Wich (even b4 cell ph) would say something like…”If you had the common courtesy to call before dropping by…welcome friend,please knock…If not, there is a payphone on the corner of first and main, please use it. It didn’t always work but I would stand my ground and not answer the door. I doesnt do anyone any good to reward bad behavior.
The problem I have now is unbelievable to me. I am terminally ill and on hospice but doctors nurses,pharmacies,delivery pple,social workers,chaplains,and other health care workers are the biggest offenders rarely giving no notice at all, yet punishing me if not available,sick,or finally medicating the pain long enough to get a few needed hrs of sleep. Of all people I would expect them to understand and not be so rude and inconsiderate
Anyway,I could go on forever but what I really want is to know if anyone has any advice or suggestions to offer?
Turn off your phone. Sleep when you need to. Have quiet when you want it. Don’t go to the door. Put up a note perhaps. When your feeling rested turn on or plug in. It’ll all still be there when your ready. At least maybe you’ll feel better when having to so all that. I figure your time is valuable. Best wishes.
The only advise is to keep telling them not to come over without calling. Even if they call you might not be available. My mother in law always drops in. She thinks it’s OK. I have repeatedly told her to call first, but she doesn’t.
I have a lot of fatigue and I am embarrassed if I don’t get dressed that day. I work in my pajama’s at home. It’s really rude to show up and stare me down because I haven’t got dressed. I feel like I have to explain myself. Then I just get more rude comments from her.
Really I just don’t care anymore. If she pulls up in the driveway, I have to have the kids come in off the porch. If I open the garage so they can go ride their bikes, but I am in my hack around clothes, I still don’t answer the door. It’s really annoying. It’s to the point where I am considering moving as soon as I can.
Unless a person has contacted me prior, I simply do not answer the knock. They can knock over and over, all the while knowing I am in residence. I will continue to ignore. I used to be ‘nice’. I used to answer the door and let everybody in to hemorrhage me of my material resources and mental/emotional resources as well.
Now that I am ill, they couldn’t care less about whether I lived or died but still, they assume that I am needy because I am ill so that means I will let them in.
Absolutely not! I am not needy and never have been. If they say they didn’t have my number, it is because I didn’t give it to them. Still, they are pig-ignorant and cannot work out why that is.
I am so glad I am not the only one. I have been married for 12 years and I have had the constant annoyance of in-laws turning up unannounced. This has not stopped……on Saturday I came back from kid’s lesson at 14:15 and told the kids to go upstairs and get changed so we all went to get changed, but I needed to use the toilet. On the following Sunday my father in law called my husband and said ‘I came to your home, knocked on the door constantly and no one opened the door, I was waiting for ages, I thought you were ignoring me so I went home had a bottle of Vodka and nearly died’ so my husband told me this and I got very angry and said’ FFS I was in the toilet and he should call before coming, why does he think we are always available’ the most frustrating thing is my father in law drinks a lot and never had a incident where he nearly died, my brother in law didn’t call us which means it is not true, he lied to my husband because he rang the doorbell once (ring door bell and my phone was on silence) and he didn’t bang on the door like he said, this was all captured on the CCTV and my kids told their dad no mums right no one knocked on the door. I wish he would stop turning up unannounced it’s getting on my nerves, he comes every weekend or weekday whenever he feels like it, I believe his doing this because he wants us to give him a room in the house however we have no space and he is a bad influence on my husband and I also think he wants a key to the house because why else would someone keep doing this and then lying about it? He doesn’t get it, I have tried everything, yet he keeps turning up and then we must accommodate……this interference was so bad that I nearly didn’t have a second child because my father in law, step mum and their children would always turn up. I wish they would f****ing stop. My sister in law said her dad is selfish he keeps thinking about himself because every time he visits he doesn’t even talk or play with the kids, doesn’t help us with childcare nothing. So fed up because he is emotionally black mailing my husband
Perhaps you should leave a bottle of Vodka on the doorstep with a note around it saying: “We are NOT home; NEXT time call first; Turn around and SMILE for the cameras! Go home and enjoy the Vodka!” What your FIL is doing is nothing less than emotional blackmail! WOW! Whatever you do, NEVER EVER give him – or anybody that has not put a wedding ring on your finger – a key to your home!
this is dumb what you do if are real and not addicted to phones? just ask to do something other time that you just are passing by to get in touch
I thought I was the only one but realize I’m not. Thank god. I don’t just show up at people’s house unannounced. Never was raised that way. My in-laws just come 3 or 4 times a week. Don’t call ahead the run in town see we’re home and stop. They call my husband and if doesn’t answer keep calling then if he still doesn’t answer just come by. The bring their other adult children with them. I work from home so my office is upstairs my husband has gotten mad at me for not coming down or my son who does.school.at home and says we’re rude. They will come to he door if my husband isn’t here and I’m like he’s not here and they barge in anyway..They’ve interrupted us while having sex and started to walk in with an old.key or if they watched the dog use the garage door opener and just let themselves in when they know we are back. My husband and I have argued over it. My parents live 5 hours away. Always let us know when they’d like to come and if it’s ok.
When you guys are getting it on?!? Oh that sucks. That would make me really mad. I think it’s the way they were raised cuz they didn’t grow up with cell phones but hey…. They exist now so people should use them… not when they are a minute away and say “are you home and is it a good time?”. It’s appalling to me.
My strong advice to you, Mickey, is to CHANGE THE LOCKS, get security grills and if you want to go the extra yards, install a MOAT around your home! No, sincerely, I sympathise with your outrage and irritation at people who have the selfish entitlement to think they can just parachute into your personal space anytime they feel like it! Why have they got a key to your home? My God, handing over a key to intrusive relatives is like having a door mat at your front door saying: “Barge in at any time – we don’t mind!” My husband and I have three grown children and grandchildren but wouldn’t dream of allowing them free access to our home now that they have moved out and got homes of their own. We have always believed that YOUR home is your CASTLE; it is the ONE space in the world that belongs to YOU, that provides you shelter and sanctuary from an ever-increasing intrusive and dysfunctional world. You have the absolute RIGHT to shut your door to ANYONE (even family) who believe they have the right to intrude on you whenever they feel like it. Don’t let them!
I feel genuine rage when someone decides to stop by my home without calling first. I NEVER do that to others. And even when I have to drop something at a friend’s home, I email or call them and alert them that I will drop something on their porch but won’t be knocking or expecting to see them.
When someone stops by my home uninvited I just don’t answer the door. One “friend” in particular does this thinking he’s being friendly – in reality he’s rude.
Never interrupt a person’s private time in their private home. Never!! Call or arrange a time first.
It’s like saying “here I am. If you want the company then great but if you don’t, you’re either going to have to make things awkward and tell me to leave (which I have done with the neighbor kid across the street before).
Keep a bathrobe by the door. I answered the door in my bathrobe and the neighbor was very uncomfortable and apologized. My husband doesn’t mind the drop-ins at all. I hate it!
It has gotten to the point where I have had to put a note on my door telling people to use the intercom system. I keep my phone off and only return calls…all this after I broke my foot running for the phone. At that time, I decided no more.
The only problem is that I rarely get through when returning calls and have to call them back more than once. Now I have decided that I will return the call only once. This is a great leveler—it shows me who is worth the trouble.
I have a quiet, peaceful life; but I still can’t understand why some people impose to such pathological degrees. It makes no sense to me. I think some of us think that they will be as reasonable as we would be if we were told ‘No’, but they are not. It has been years, and I still can’t get into the mindframe that some people have over hounding and hounding someone else even when told not to. What do we have to do, get a restraining order? Doesn’t make sense.
I had one neighbor that I did not tell my apartment number to show up at my door four times a day out of the blue for approximately three months, never once did I answer–she would also listen at the door. It took me a while to figure who it was, trying to hobble over to the door on my broken foot. I reported her. I still don’t know why she started harassing me. When I finally saw her in the elevator, she became angry saying that she did not have my phone number or access code: of course she didn’t, I did not know her. Why would she have them?
I have another ‘friend’ who only called once a year start calling every hour. I could not answer because of the broken foot (no cell phone–landline only–kept the phone off so that I would not reinjure it running for it, and in my yearly call, I had told her that I could not run for the phone. She never answers her phone, so I can’t call her back.). A month or so later (after Christmas break), she called again, and she said that she wanted to know why I did not send her a birthday card (no emergency, as I had thought). This was someone that I talked to once a year, whether I wanted to or not, and who never takes my calls, ever. I told her that I had been really sick with the flu and could not get out to mail her card. She did not ask me how I was or express any concern (I thought I was going to die from the flu.). I decided then no more. What is wrong with these demanding, self-centered, selfish people.
With both of these people, I had taken the time to tell them that I would not be able to answer the door or phone due to a broken foot and illness (flu). The one person had never been to my place and decided to begin showing up at my door four times a day and the other ‘friend’ the same, going from normally only hearing from her once a year to every hour all day–I thought someone had died, and she has a husband, children and grandchildren. I am beginning to think that there are just some people who refuse to hear the word ‘No’.
I think these are control freaks who are manipulative and have no respect for those they do this to: a real air of superiority. I give up trying to figure this out. I’m going for peace. These people can fall away. Sorry for the length…
People who come around unannounced are rude and entitled! Neither my husband nor I would ever DREAM of turning up on someone’s doorstep without any notice. If I plan to visit a friend or relative, I ALWAYS give them at least one day (or more) notice by phoning or emailing them. Just because your relatives or neighbours are bored, at a loose end or have nothing better to do with THEIR time, does NOT mean you don’t! We have neighbours that used to call around without ever – not once – phoning ahead of time to let us know they were going to pounce on our doorstep, stay for an endless round of one-way gossip and knocking back 6 or more cups of coffee. In the end, my husband and I have decided that we will NEVER EVER answer the door to anyone who has not given us the courtesy to phone or email us first. I prefer people to come via an invitation but this does not always happen. My husband and I are intensely private people and like to enjoy our OWN space, in our OWN time without being intruded upon by people who are selfishly looking to be entertained.
I have a neighbour who turns up unannounced, complains if I’m in the shower and stands there and moans at me. Everything I do and everything I say is wrong. She won’t text me as it costs her money but she will walk round whenever it suits her. If I see her walking over, I ignore the doorbell. If she phones, I was “in the shower”. If she queries the fact that I take a shower in the afternoon, I say that I am dripping wet and have to go now. Some people are incredibly thick-skinned!
Just read this article and comments because I just experienced a surprise visit from my Mom and her neighbor. Apparently they were in the area so decided to drive through my yard to take a look at the place after some trees had been cut. Unfortunately I wasn’t hidden inside I was in the middle of doing some therapeutic yard work trying to forget my Mom’s annoying phone call yesterday when she tried to tell me all the things I need to do this weekend as if she’s my secretary. Anyways, I was not in the mood to see her and especially not her neighbor as I was busy pulling vines and had my hair all wild from working. Then my Mom pulls up to my aviary – I have peacocks in the backyard – and she rolls down the window asking where one of them is but he is right there in front of her – as if she is trying to incite drama that one is missing. I’m a bit eccentric I have peacocks, tropical plants, I like to dress differently, I’m an artist, etc but I’m not like this to be on display for others I am into what I’m into for myself. I don’t appreciate how my side of the family or their friends think it is okay to come over unannounced and park by the aviary to stare at my peacocks. The way I see it, this is my ‘private paradise’ to escape to but It isn’t fun knowing someone could just drive up whenever they please. I’ve talked to my parents about it but they say they “try to stay out of our lives and not come over much” and they act all hurt and pitiful about it. I’ve said a zillion times it’s not that we don’t want them over or not in our lives, we just want a warning that they will be over. I’m just tired of not being respected in general.
I have a friend who shows up unannounced. Over the years, it hasn’t been too frequent but enough that I am hella annoyed AF. Its totally rude and inconsiderate. The dog goes wild at the doorbell and I could be indecent, busy, sleeping etc. I have told my mom to either not answer the door or tell her I’m in the shower but my mom thinks its rude of me to not answer. Like WTF? Anyway, at any given time this friend has either dipped by with her clan of kids and husband, crept on over at 11:30 PM just to say she was in the area and wanted to say hi (yes, it was that late), or my fav is when she peeped out my crib to interrupt me in middle of working from home just to share that she will be ovulating soon and trying “again”. It was not even like a month prior to that she told me she was 2 weeks pregnant. That’s a whole different topic of my mind blown but Good for you, I guess? This is also the same friend that texts me almost daily pictures of her kids doing absolutley nothing. No, I don’t care to see your kids standing or walking. And No, I don’t think you should have anymore kids. You’re not financially or mentally stable right now. Anyway who does this? Next time this foolishness happens, I should say…..OK then, good to see you but hi and bye…I only take reservations from people who call. How hard is it to call/text? I have rarely, if ever, done this to anyone and I always at least call first before intruding or imposing.
I live on 24 acres. My neighbors have my phone numbers. I have ‘private property / no trespassing’ signs on my gate and fence. I always respect their boundries and never go onto their property out of respect for their sanctuary. However, they insist on driving 300 plus feet up my road for various reasons (primarily to be nosey). At one time I kept my gate consistently closed until the pandemic hit and I needed to keep it open for deliveries. Ever since then random people just drive up my road seemingly expecting a warm welcome and when the minimum they receive is cool civility they seem hurt. Being older and retired I have made a conscious decision to scale back on widening my social circle and I refuse to accomodate gate crashers. I am considering returning to a closed gate policy.
My problem starts and will hopefully end with my boundary breaking, narcissist boyfriend. First off, I can’t even get him to leave my property, Ive begged, Ive simply stated that this relationship is over and Ive demanded. With him I’ll have to get the restraining order because he’ll never listen to reason or me for that matter. I moved to this small town in Northern California and most of our friends Ive met through him. Basically they say hi to me then sit down with him and get stoned.which would be fine if it all wasnt in my way. I bought property and have a small home so to speak and Ive gone green-ish. So everyday, Im literally plugging away at making my property pretty to look at and as functional as possible. Said boyfriend has absolutely destroyed my place with 3 trucks and 1 car that do not run and etc. I digress. Anyway, so from 9 to 5 Im working on my property and all of these visitors are ciming from their hones that are all comfy with the basic necessities and they are hindering my ability to achieve what they already have. My boyfriend has never called before going to his friends and vice versa. I try to remind them that this is my property, not said boyfriends. Plus I dont have a gate or a big enough place to just ignore them when they knock. So in the driveway I have posted signs stating that ” Uninvited or unexpected callers do not disturb please..Boyfriend is not here. They ignored that , so then I added ” It is considered RUDE if you come over without calling first. If you don’t get an answer , call back later. That does not mean just come by. Thank you. We’ll see if this one works. I do know once he’s out this problem will be 99.9% taken care of. Wish me luck. Thank you Anja
I moved to a small very friendly town for retirement. Unfortunately the people stop by any time without notice. And complained that I don’t always answer my door. Well sometimes I may be in a shower, taking a nap, etc. I found this article very enlightening. Thank you
Good article. I agree with all of it, but I do wonder what to do when you set the boundaries very clearly and the family ignores them? My partner suggested locking the front gate (they always visit when he is not home). There are extreme methods of course, but I fear it will cause a huge rift. Then again, the disrespect shown to me is already causing much resentment on my part, so it may be a lose lose situation..
I am still fuming from an unannounced “visit” we received today. A member of my husbands family who lives 2 hours away called when she was 15 minutes away to say she was on her way!! It was a beautiful (finally under 90 degrees) Saturday and I had planned to enjoy it. She stayed for THREE hours!! The worst part is she STUNK!!! She admitted her house is hoarded (we have never been there) and she certainly smelled like it!! I have never smelled anything so bad. It took me the rest of the day to air my house out!!! I believe the only reason people show up unannounced is because if they call in advance no one wants to see them!! I’m a terrible liar and wasn’t quick enough to come up with a reason why she couldn’t visit. I hope I don’t make that mistake again. When I asked what she would have done if we weren’t home, she said she would have waited for us to get home!!! Either way, we were “trapped” in the house all afternoon.