Marriage Advice

Death of a Wife – The Grieving Husband

People often say that a man who is mourning the death of a wife finds the grieving process more difficult than a woman who becomes a widow. Losing a spouse is painful for anyone, but society gives men an additional burden to bear. From childhood onward, men receive the distinct and consistent message that no matter what happens in their lives, they need to be strong and act as the providers for their families

The Man as the Family Protector

Even if we disagree with this traditional view of the male role in life, the signals we interpret from the time we are very young still have a powerful effect on all of us. A man marries and may well assume the conventional role of family protector. If a problem comes up, he believes that it is his job to solve it.

Long-standing expectations have a similar effect on women. In a traditional marital relationship, the woman is in charge of keeping the household running smoothly. She knows where every family member needs to be at any time for work, school, or outside activities. If the couple spends time together in the company of friends, the woman makes the arrangements and keeps that contact going.

When the Wife Dies

If the man’s home life is running smoothly through the efforts of his wife, he may not really be aware of how much she contributes to household management. In a survey conducted in 2005 and summarized at CareerJournal.com, sociology professors from the University of Chicago and the University of Seoul found that male respondents performed 39% of the household chores. Although they were probably a surprise to the surveyed women, who tended to overestimate their own contributions, these results still put more than 60% of the home chores in female hands.

No matter what division of labor existed before the wife died, the entire responsibility for running the household usually falls squarely on the man’s shoulders following her death. He then has to face not only traumatic effects of loss but also practical matters he may never have handled before. If there are minor children in the household, the death of a wife has an even greater impact on the family.

The Grieving Man

The traditional role that society gives a man has a lot to do with the way he experiences grief after the loss of his spouse. From the time he is very young, a man learns that it is wrong for him to express painful feelings. Being too much in touch with his so-called feminine side casts him in a suspicious light at the best of times and makes him an object of ridicule at the worst. People may even question his sexual orientation, believing that a “real” man should be able to suck it up and get on with things without missing a beat. This John Wayne mentality is fine for the movie star and the larger-than-life characters he portrayed, but it does not work with real people in the real world. Any man who adopts this way of coping with grief will have a very difficult time dealing with his loss.

Another consequence of this macho-male attitude is that a widowed man may find it easier to express anger than hurt. Being angry is in tune with society’s image of a man, but crying is not. Whereas women may talk to friends, relatives, or a counselor about their feelings, a man is not as likely to do so. If he does express his emotions (whether he breaks down or not), the rest of us may not feel comfortable with such a display of raw sentiment.

If you are fortunate enough to be present when a grieving man expresses his pain in this way, just let him talk, cry, or do whatever he needs to do. If you don’t know what to say, say nothing. Don’t tell him that he should be stronger or that it isn’t manly to express feelings of loss.

The other side of the grief coin is that men may deal with their losses privately. There is no right or wrong way to mourn the passing of someone who played such a major role in one’s life. If a man needs to grieve in private, let him do that. He may never want to talk about it, and that is okay too. The more supposedly feminine method of dealing with death (crying, talking, and seeking emotional support from others) is not the only way to grieve nor is it the only right way to do so.

Coping with Grief

The only way to cope with grief is to go through it completely and naturally. Attempting to self-medicate by using alcohol is not a good idea. Alcohol is a depressant, so although it may numb the emotional pain at first, it will make the mourner feel even worse than ever after several drinks. In addition, if someone drinks enough alcohol, there will be a nasty hangover the next morning. Having a big, throbbing headache is never pleasant, whether you are grieving or not.

There are healthier ways of coping with loss. Some men find spending time out of doors helpful in dealing with grief. There is something about being close to nature that makes us conscious of the cyclical rhythm of life. Yard work or gardening may be soothing.

It is also therapeutic to stick to a routine as much as possible, as this adds structure to our lives. Resist the temptation to fill every waking moment with some type of activity. Taking advantage of time to reflect on what has happened is important too.

Accepting aid from others is another positive coping mechanism. Friends and family members will want to help the man who is a widower, but they may not be sure how to do that. Let them know how they can help, but if what you need is some time to be alone, then just say so. This is not the same thing as shutting out other people. Instead, be clear about what you need.

It may be tempting to neglect one’s own health following the death of a wife. Eat well (or as well as possible under the circumstances) and exercise regularly. If you don’t feel up to eating a full meal, buy some meal replacement products (liquids or bars) and consume them until you can handle something more substantial.

Losing a spouse is one of the most difficult life events anyone can experience. The way men respond to this loss and handle their grief depends on their perceived role in society. Keep in mind that even though they express pain differently from women, men hurt every bit as much as anyone else.

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107 comments

Alan hare September 23, 2016 at 10:08 AM

Lost my wife of 52 years in a head on collision,without the support of my family and friend I would not have got throught this,yes I think men find it mor difficult than women when they lose there partner

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Michael Mabe May 12, 2020 at 12:18 AM

My wife passed away on 4/11/20 at 1:30 am. She was diagnosed with TNBC (Triple Negative Breast Cancer) on March 8th, 2019. She took every Chemotherapy and every Radiation treatment that they could possibly give her, and she also had a Bilateral Mastectomy. She was never sick, never complained, took care of me and our kids every single day. For the last year and a half I was with her every single day, at every appointment and every meeting. In February of 2020 they told us that the cancer had metastasized to her liver, lungs, and spine, and that she would be fortunate to make it to Christmas. She was/is my very best friend. We were married for 15 years, and we have two beautiful children. (Mechala—14yrs & Matthew—12yrs) She was 44 years old, and I am 52. She volunteered for Hospice to come to our home on Tuesday 4/7/20. Her family arrived from Tennessee the next day. We made a couple of promises to each other concerning “when it happens” and I am so thankful that we did. She wanted myself, and the kids to be present “when it happens”, and I asked if it would be ok if I could hold her in my arms “when it happens”, and she replied, “I wouldn’t have it any other way…” I am a Pastor of the same church for 20 years, and she is a Pastor’s wife. She wasn’t perfect, but she was perfect for me. And at 1:20 am 4/11/20 I had the opportunity to whisper in her ear everything about her that I loved and I told her that it was ok, if she needed to go. She pointed/reached above our mantle in the living room, and I ran around to face her. Her eyes were as wide open as they could possibly be, which they hadn’t been for almost a day. I slipped one hand under her back, and the other hand under her head, and I told her it was ok, “It’s ok”, I said. “I’m here, I’m right here, we all are, it’s ok…” She took three quick breaths about 15 secs apart and I kissed her with the last one. She breathed her last breath into my mouth. I loved this woman with my whole heart, and I constantly think about her every day. I don’t tell others that I lost my wife, because I know where she is. I still wear my wedding ring, and I tell people that my wife is in Heaven. I read two books since her passing, and I suggest them highly.
1. “Though I Walk Through The Valley”—Vance Havner
2. “I Didn’t Know What to Say”—David Knapp
I have no problem with any of you men or women contacting me at anytime.
It would be an honor and a privilege to help in any way I can. May God bless you and keep you and your family safe.

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Michael J. Perniciaro October 6, 2020 at 6:38 AM

Michael, my name is Michael also. My heart aches for you after reading your wonderful post. I can relate to your pain as we have similarities in our loss. I lost my wife of 40 years to Leukemia. After her diagnosis, it was 2 months before her passing. Of those 2 months, ‘Debbie’ was in the hospital (250 miles away) for 6 weeks getting any treatment possible to go into remission. It was not meant to be. She came home, and Hospice was in place for her arrival. She was terribly battered from all the treatment she was getting. Our adult children were at our home when she arrived. She came home by ambulance through the hospice program. Debbie came home at 3:30 a.m. on a Friday , and passed away at 8:30 a.m. on Saturday in our home. I was holding her hand on her last breath. Her birthday was June 8, 2020, and she passed on June 6th. There are other turn of events leading up to this that make this so much more heart wrenching, but I don’t want to turn this into a book. It is now 4 months since she had to go, and I am still a train wreck. I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful woman to be in my life. She was also my best friend. After 40 years, we still really liked each other. I am not religious, but what little faith I had was challenged for the fact that she was an angel without wings, and did not deserve to have this kind of departure. I still shed tears for her every day after all this time. My pain has not lessened. I sincerely hope things have gotten better for you, and you are closer to functioning normally. I wish a progressive healing for you, and I thank you for sharing your story. May a happier time be down the road for both of us. Sincerely, Michael (“_)

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steve ippolito December 7, 2016 at 5:09 AM

I loss my wife when I was 24 and now i’m 54 and still haven’t found another wife although I’ve had many relationships but none measured up so now what do I do???

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Alan hare December 11, 2016 at 2:22 PM

Damn right its more difficult for men than women,lost my wife of 52 years in a head on car crash 2 and a half years ago,now getting my life back together again now,i have had massive help from my family,plus readings from mediams,&councelling.
Without all that i know i would have not have made it.
Alan [email protected]
My contact details are public-if i can help anyone…..

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Jon January 21, 2019 at 7:08 AM

I lost my wife of 52 years on Nov08,2017

A letter to my beloved wife, Georgette I miss you so much each and every day,nay, every hour,every minute.
I am often engulfed by fear as well as grief. Fear that I will never see you again, fear that there is nothing beyond our life here, fear that you may have disappeared from existence entirely. Fear that you who I so desperately love and grieve for, who is still the center of my life, will fade from my memory as I age, fear that I will have moments of laughter without thinking of you, fear that my life will go on with only a fading memory of you honey. Loving you forever with my broken heart……john…

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Brian May 5, 2019 at 9:31 AM

Your comments encapsulate precisely the way I feel better than I have read elsewhere. I feel exactly as you do. I lost my wife of 25 years suddenly only one month ago. I miss her desperately. Your expression of fear is exactly the way I feel, not fear per say, but very similar to fear and a feeling that is constantly there, an underlying constant. “fear there is nothing beyond our life here, fear that you may have disappeared from existence entirely.” These are the parts of grief that I was unaware of and until this event happens to you personally, there is no way to fully grasp its devastating effect. Thank you for posting your letter, it has been helpful to me. I pray for your healing and my sincere condolences on your loss. While there is little I can say to alleviate your grief, I share in your expression of it. God bless and take care, Brian.

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robert November 16, 2017 at 3:21 PM

its only been since april 7 2017 i lost my debbie its been so so hard she passed away from cancer she was awounderful wife and person iwould have traded places with her i miss her smile voice ijust miss her

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Nick Lewis February 15, 2018 at 3:49 AM

Hi. Robert i reading all the article and Comments, im 31 and just lost my wife she was 30 to cancer 2-1-18 .im still finding it hard and difficult to accept. We always talked about growing old together now it seems i dont want look towards future just day by day

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christian May 12, 2018 at 3:53 PM

Hi Nick, Just lost my wife feb 8,2018 from cancer she’s 25 and her bday was mar 2018. we have 1 daughter. Just so hard and sad that she can’t be with us on her birthday, on my birthday (May) family day, and this coming mother’s day. So difficult and don’t know where to start

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Mike Renfro August 19, 2019 at 4:51 AM

First you have to realize that in a very important and real way she is with you and your daughter. She is in your heart. She will never leave you. I totally understand your feeling. I mean I know everyone feels grief differently, but let’s just say, I can relate to your pain. I lost my wife in December of last year to Cancer as well. She was first diagnosed in 2012.
Losing your best friend, you wife and your daughter’s mother is devastating. That’s why I found this post tonight. It’s 3:42am. I’m missing my wife as well, but I try to look at the positive. So hard, right? She lived 6 years with stage 4 Cancer! She was a good mother and wife and she not only fought Cancer well, but she was a great sparing partner as well, which ironically is another reason for missing her so much… Funny… I believe there is life after this one. I believe in God. I believe I will see God. I also believe she is free of miserable pail and suffering. She is happy and my son and I plan on meeting her again. Simply, I have hope. I do not believe we were random accidents. We have a purpose. I see the hurt and pain in this world and I do not believe any of it was planned. God never intended for mankind to die….. Some will read this and think, what is wrong with this religious freak? I’m good with that, because I know in my inner most mind and heart that there is more to what we see. I pray that everyone here would find that same kind of peace. Not to say I do not feel sad, but I feel reassured. God does love you and he knows your pain…

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Mike January 7, 2020 at 6:20 PM

Well said!

Rhonda January 2, 2019 at 12:20 PM

I have watched a couple over several years hide the fact that she had terminal cancer. He He is alone now. She too kept an emasculate House. As he puts it always had a rag in her hand. And watching him through family interaction and trying to piecemeal the business together is harder and have to provide for an Autistic child 18 is more than enough.

How do you deal with anger, since talking or crying a not an option. He has issues. I feel he is falling in driving unsteady and depth of insight impaired not to take child to therapist. He’s a 1 minute thought changer. He’s in need of therapy but don’t tell him that. Men don’t want to admit something’s definitely out of ordinary. Hey get some coping strategies.

Every body’s depending on you. Time to man up right now. There needs to be insurance for Death. When people are traumatized they sometimes do wicked things. How long should you tolerate it before distancing self.

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Tim September 8, 2019 at 8:47 PM

I’ve lost my beloved best friend wife last April from liver and kidney complications.she died at home in front of me ,in August I went on dating site for something to fill the void .I was not ready .i met a nice women but like I said I thought I was ready it ended badly ,but all I’m saying is I need my partner

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David Beart September 9, 2019 at 1:55 PM

I’m so hear to hear of your loss.

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Rick January 20, 2020 at 9:23 AM

Tim, I feel your pain. I lost my wife of 19 years to cancer in April 2018. I was her caregiver for nine months and watched the steady decline up close, day in – day out. It’s amazing how accurate the article is. She made arrangements for us to spend time with family and friends, and kept up with everyone’s lives. When she passed, it seemed I lost more than just her, it was all the other people in our life, and I couldn’t figure out why.
She and I spent much time saying goodbye the last few months of her life, so shortly after her death I thought I was ready to fill that void. I was, and still am, terribly lonely and did anything to keep busy. I drank a lot as well. I have since gone through two relationships and am in a third. The first two broke up with me (me being the obvious common denominator) so I’m trying to piece together what I’m doing wrong. I notice tendencies of jealousy and anger, which I never had before. I think it’s a subconscious reaction to the pain of the loss; my mind not wanting to go through that again so it wants to hang onto what makes it feel good. I am working very hard to recognize those emotions when they pop up and deal with them swiftly. My current girlfriend is a wonderful woman with a huge heart. Thankfully she is patient but I know that will only go so far if I don’t fix myself; hence my visit to this site.
I pray you have found peace. May God be with you.

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Ric December 23, 2017 at 12:57 PM

I am 31. I just lost my wife to cancer at the second years of our marriage. I felt like I am living alone in an empty world. The loneliness, the emptiness and pain in my heart.. she is a wife that I would give my life to

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David Beart December 23, 2017 at 1:19 PM

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife, it must be so tough this time of year.

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Nick Lewis February 15, 2018 at 3:53 AM

I also lost my wife this year 2018 im 31 she was 30 to Cancer its the hardest thing i ever been threw. Im still not accepting it which we use to talk about growing old together now what do i do. . I have her 2 daughters but there dad trying take them from me now that my wife is gone .

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Cody Sandeen January 5, 2018 at 12:54 AM

I am 28, I just lost my 25 year old wife on December 19th to Cystic Fibrosis. We were together for six years. We have a 5 year old son and I’m finding it harder and harder to take care of myself and him. I act like everything’s alright, but my mind is going crazy…

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Don January 20, 2018 at 4:10 PM

Hi Cody. I too lost my wife, in December, to pulmonary fibrosis which is something like what you went through since Cystic Fibrosis usually affects the lungs. I am much older (67) and we were married for 20 years. She had lots of energy and was very social. We (mostly she) have lots of friends who are doing their best to help me get through this. Family lives far away but they were here for awhile after she passed.

I know what you mean about your mind going crazy. I’ve been in love before (first marriage) but this woman was literally my soulmate. I feel like I lost so much more than a wife, like I lost a big part of myself too. I don’t find pleasure in a lot of things we used to do together.

Grieving is hard for me. I’m one of those guys who was brought up to believe that men don’t cry and that’s very hard for me, even when alone. I don’t understand why, but I haven’t yet shed tears over her loss and I feel guilty about that. Even though I haven’t cried, I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my chest many times every day when I see something that was special to her (like her dressing table), or see a certain TV shows in the guide, or smell her perfume, or any of a thousand other things.

I would welcome it if you’d like to chat. You can email to me if you’d like at “d nil b p 9000 at g m a i l dot c o m” (leave out the spaces, of course, and the word “nil”). If you do, please put “Loss of Wife” in the subject line so I’ll know it’s not spam. Best of luck to you. I can’t imagine what you are going through having a small child who’s lost his mother.

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Bryan T Smith July 24, 2019 at 10:25 PM

I know how you feel I lost my wife and soul mate in October 2018 after fiving birth to our 5th child. I feel all those things. I am lost and lonely, and scare that there is nothing after this and that she is just gone. I try to hold it together for the kids but it’s hard. I am 39 and she was 36, we were married 18 years this Saturday and together 21 years. I dont know what to do! I know I have to endure for the kids but I dont want to do this anymore. I would never ever leave them and cause them that hurt again but if I didnt have kids I would have followed her that day into the beyond. What is worse is since we met I told her all the time that this exact scenario was my worst fear and I dont think I would make it through, to which she would reply, “oh yes you would, you would do it for me and the kids”, so now I have to push theough. It does seem to be getting harder to make it through day by bay.

I love you and miss you Ruthie!
– Bryan

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PAULO ROBERTO ELIAS October 28, 2019 at 11:09 AM

My wife passed away at age 32, 6 days after giving birth to our only child, two months ago. I can see myself on your words.
My wife died sleeping by my side. When I woke up I tried to revive her desperatly without success. It’s a terrible image on my mind.

I thought on killing myself that time to go with her, but our son was sleeping by our side and I must go on to him

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Maria May 27, 2020 at 3:06 PM

Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have an old family friend that has just lost his wife in childbirth. The baby made it. I’m worried about him. I tried reaching out but got a quick reply the next day. Seams hes busy with the newborn. He also has two other children. Should I keep trying to reach out or take the hint he doesn’t want to talk and leave him alone? He hasn’t replied to my last text.

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Ken February 10, 2018 at 9:02 AM

Lost my wife 20 years ago this morning to cancer. It still hurts. She should be here for our daughters and grand daughters. Why?

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rajaselva October 24, 2018 at 2:25 PM

I too lost my wife aged 33 to Thyroid Cancer on the 25/10/1998 morning 0455hrs. My children were 2&4 years old and i was 39. It was very tough but i had my mother and 3 elder sisters to shower love to my kids. As for me i accepted Christ 3 years ago and Jesus Christ gave me not only Salvation but comfort from grief of the loss of my wife.
Only GOD can give comfort to those suffer loss of loved ones and no one else can.
GOD BLESS

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Leo February 11, 2018 at 4:19 PM

Your not alone
I lost my wife in May 2017 of 28 years…im 48 she was 47 unexpectantly when she went on vacation and got sick visiting family. I still cry evey other day thinking of her. She was the social one and she take of pretty much everything. More than i ever imagined. Even trying to move on and get into another relationship really puts the other woman at a disadvantage because noone will ever measure up. We have 4 older kids my daughter being the youngest (16). It just kills me all the things she is missing out not having Mom anymore. Hoping it will one day get easier.

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Jim September 9, 2018 at 4:03 AM

I just lost my wife, Esophageal Cancer, seven months after Diagnosis. Sept. 6 2018. One day before her 54th Birthday.
She was The BOSS, she took care of everything,

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Bob September 26, 2018 at 5:40 PM

I lost my wife in August. 24 years of being best friends. She died from can cancer. I have a 16 year old son at home. Just praying it will get better. So sad and lonely.

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Ron February 12, 2018 at 6:33 PM

Thirty years ago today, I lost my Helen. Beautiful woman, with all the good qualities. She had lupus for eleven years, and all she wanted to do was get well, a desire denied of her. Our daughter was ten at the time. I’ve since remarried, but I still miss her almost every day. Our daughter never recovered from the loss, and is still suffering the consequences of the aftermath of her mother’s death.

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Lee S. March 4, 2018 at 5:48 AM

Sitting here with tears, lost my wife to a mystery sickness in a matter of hours this Jan. 9, 2018. We were married for 27 years. When you seen one you seen the other, we did everything together. I depended on her 70% of things. I have a disability (TBI) and I did the out side work, muscle work, and little inside work. She did most of the driving and all of the directions. I Get out to go to the store, bank, grief support group. I am the step dad for the local, no other family that lives within 800 miles. Phone calls are not the same as speaking in person. I keep searching for the right way and telling myself that I will make it and talking to her every day. I know she is helping me.

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Christian March 21, 2018 at 8:42 PM

Lost my wife 2 months ago. Cancer. Were together for 27 years. Extreme pain and anguish. Horrific.

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Mike April 2, 2018 at 10:51 AM

Found my wife passed in a field after she went for a walk. 2 years ago April 10 2016 12:34 am. I have never been the same. We were married 20 years, im 43 and have a 12 year old son. Its taken this long to come out of the distructive life i have been living. Im ready to talk and get healthy. Theres no time frame set. You choose to start the healing when your ready i guess. God Bless you all

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Tony Pena April 2, 2018 at 9:27 PM

I too lost my wife. February 22, 2018. To cancer. She was 40, we were married for 22 years. The hardest thing in the work to go through

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Tony Pena April 2, 2018 at 9:28 PM

I too lost my wife. February 22, 2018. To cancer. She was 40, we were married for 22 years. The hardest thing in the world to go through

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john April 12, 2018 at 10:18 AM

I just lost my wife of 22 years 4/5/18. we were complete soul mates. She died suddenly and without any warning from a heart attack. I dont know how I am going to live without her. nothing makes any sense

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Micah Shannon Ford November 16, 2019 at 8:48 PM

I lost my wife CRYSTAL 2/11/19 of 21 years and 11 months to a brain bleed she was sick for a long time we never got a far start we have 2 beautiful kids 22 and 19 graduated the same year with out her mom and know I don’t know how to do anything she was the mom I just fill lost and nobody gets it is i always heard time will heal
All thangs that is just a way to make someone,else fill better I will never get over this and move on how do you do that in the house were so many memories were made Keith the love of your life FOREVER LOST SHANNON

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Kevin April 20, 2018 at 6:56 AM

My wife is 34 yrs old and on hospice after a year battle with cancer. We have a 4 yr old son and a 2 yr old daughter. Any advice would be appreciated.

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John Henry Onipig May 7, 2018 at 4:52 AM

I lose my wife last march 6 2018 its is our 5 yrs weding anniversary…she died with cardio embolism and she had a cancer the dr. Said because of complication…memory keeps flashing back in my mind during her suffering in her last days…

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Patty May 8, 2018 at 8:21 PM

That love that you feel toward her will warm you and calm you when you really stay quiet and prayful.Her love for you will always light your way and give you tremendous comfort.

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Keith May 16, 2018 at 9:24 AM

My wife died a month ago of a chronic illness. We where married 27-years and lived together for 30-years. I was her primary caregiver and like many of you would have traded places with her if it were possible. She died at home in bed next to me. I hate the fact that I was powerless to change this outcome. I promised her I would find her again. She wanted me to survive her death so I’m determined to do that. Going from an “us” to a “me” again makes me despair at times. She was my purpose, so now I’m looking for new purpose.

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Mike May 16, 2018 at 12:54 PM

I recently lost my wife of 8 years March 27, 2018. We both were the same age (33) with our birthdays being a week apart and our anniversary in between our birthdays. We had one son together who is 7 and there are 3 other children from her previous relationship ages 10, 14, and 16. It have been extremely difficult on the kids and I. She died from SRP myositis which over the last 5 years slowly deteriorated her health but it still feels unreal to this day that she is gone. I’ve started grief counseling recently but each day I feel as if I’m losing mind. It’s hard dealing with each child because they all are grieving differently and have outbursts at different moments. Similar to John I keep having flashbacks of her last day in the hospital and of the moment when she died and the doctors trying to resuscitate her… Does the pain ever go away? I have concert tickets for two musical outings that I purchased for us but I have no desire go.

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Tommy Holliday May 19, 2018 at 8:44 PM

About 3 months ago I loss my wife of 45 yrs. after a lengthy illness, before she got really sick last year every surgery she had when she checked in I check in when she checked out I checked out I spent about 45 days at the hosp. straight with her, when she came home she was bedridden until she passed away at that I was by her side I seen her suffer and it hurted for me to see her suffer I wanted the suffering to stop and she get better by not leaving me but God saw different the pain has been so hard almost unbearable out of the 90 days that she has been gone I have cried every last one of those days and the odd thing about I loss my wife on 02/23/2018 but my mother passed away 02/11/2016 I even Preached my mom eulogy but I couldn’t dare touch during my wife eulogy the love for my wife seems more stronger than my mom so I did a research in the Bible and it’s suppose to be that way for it says that man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh that’s why the pain is so hard because a man and his wife is one flesh.

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CRS January 3, 2019 at 10:23 PM

My wife of nearly 42 years passed away 18-April 2018…this after 14 month battle with cancer. I too believe it is harder for men than women. Now When I’m at work I want to be home, when I’m at home I want to be at work. I’ve buried my father, mother, mother in law and father in law. But burying my wife has been worse than all of that put together.

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Tom May 22, 2018 at 4:45 PM

I just lost her two days ago and the pain is unbearable. She was everything to me and my sons. Never putting herself first, always making us her priority. She battled for six years but the last 16 months were the worst. Multiple hospital stays leading to months of her slipping away from me. We were together for 29 years. I know it’s so soon but I feel like there is no way to escape the pain of missing her. I will stay strong for the boys while I’m dying inside.

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Melissa Newling June 6, 2018 at 3:38 PM

My 30 yr. old son lost his 28 yr. old wife to cancer two weeks ago. We all loved her very much. I don’t know how to help my son. He seems to be keeping us all at a distance. We have always been very close. I feel like I’ve lost them both. I appreciate Ny comments.

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Tim September 19, 2018 at 7:16 PM

I lost my wife in June. This past week was her birthday and anniversary. She would have been 41. As for your son, I can say from my own experience that I kept to myself for the most part for the first couple months. Its hard to express your feelings when you don’t know what they are. And it’s also hard to hear, “Everything will be alright.” Right now nothing will be alright for him, but even he knows with time it will get easier. And easier doesn’t mean that you have to forget her, it just means that you begin to accept it…regardless of your broken heart. For me I had a close friend that I talked to more than anyone for the first bit…and that’s exactly what he let me do. He never asked if I was ok. We would go fishing, or a trip to BassPro, a couple kayak trips and camping. He never brought it up, but instead just listened when I needed to talk about it, or ramble on about a memory I had. He never gave advice, he never said it’s going to be ok…he just let me vent. That’s what I needed most. So please don’t feel your son is shutting you out…he just has to have time to process. Instead of asking how he’s doing…just call and ask how work is going. You might find that the conversation rolls into something more meaningful. After a couple months I was able to be more open with my family. We talked about happy times and shared tears as well. My parents always thought of my wife like a daughter. And when she passed it was the first time I ever saw my father cry. Your son will come around in time. He loves you and he knows you’re there for him…when he needs it.

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Bruce June 13, 2018 at 7:38 PM

Hey Tom. You dont have to “stay” anything. Be yourself, that’s better for your family than trying to be something you cannot be.
My wife of 27 years passed away after a three year struggle with lung cancer, six weeks ago. I also have two children at home and they are my support.
You lose part of you, and like losing a limb you learn eventually to tollerate it. Remember no one can take away the memories.

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Danny Harwell July 27, 2018 at 6:17 PM

I lost My Wife after just one year of marriage. Well 53 weeks to the day. She had been sick for months and they could not find out what was going on. She had a massive heart attack on 04/15/2018. She was 32. sad thing is that I lost my (step) daughter the same day. You always think you have more time. I did not get around to adopting her, so she was taking from me as well.

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Paul August 11, 2018 at 1:23 PM

I lost my wife 5 weeks ago the pain is unbearable.on the morning of her death I found out she was having some sort of relationship with a guy from fb which I went looking for before I found out she passed away.i have to young children with her aged 6&10.. her family with her maidan name completely to over the the full funeral in every sense of the word I was very angry in every sense of the word anyway it became more complicated as my eldest kid is my step son and the youngest is mine which I took back after the funeral with help from the law. It’s seems very overwhelming some days but I look at our child that motivation I need right now in this life.deep down I know she loves me as I lost a younger sister last year I was very overwhelmed with grief with my sisters death I didn’t see my wife’s needs as she suffered deep depression she was 35 I’m 51 but she was my soulmate.paul

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John August 20, 2018 at 7:10 PM

I just lost my wife to cancer. My wife of 23 years. She was 47 years of age. She did EVERYTHING. She ran the ship. Right now, I feel like doing nothing and just want to be alone. Her reverend would like a memorial soon to release her spirit. I know she doesn’t want anything. She just wanted to die at home. She did.

Right now, all I do is talk to her quite a lot. Some times I feel alright then all of a sudden I start crying. Then I stop. I don’t know.

I just miss her a lot.

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Ed August 26, 2018 at 7:01 PM

Lost my wife of 10 years to cancer on July 29, 2018. Words can’t even discribe this pain. My wife was a full time mom to our 5 year old daughter. Im struggling with alcohol just to numb the pain. Life is not fair, never has & never will be!

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william gates September 19, 2018 at 2:34 AM

On the 22nd July 2017 my beautiful wife of 43 years finally lost her long battle with cancer. A year later their is still a gaping hole in the life of my children and their children. After reading the heart rending comments above i cant help feeling how blessed we were to have her for so long. I do you find the strength to live your life as your wives would have wished you to – they will always be with you. God bless you all.

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Bob Murray September 20, 2018 at 5:12 AM

my wife of 21 years passed away monday the 18th of sept, 2018. her visitation is tonite, funeral is tomorrow. i havent eaten or been able to sleep since she passed and i am really just numb. i would like to know if there is any way for me to come to terms with this because i have to be there for our daughter.. please, any help anyone can give .

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Steven B Perry September 30, 2018 at 2:02 AM

Bob, i was also married 21 yrs, and my Tammy passed last Sunday the 23rd,. I talk to her, i tell myself shes at peace, i tell her i will be with her one day, and i survive minute to minute, i hope soon its day to day

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Emma September 24, 2018 at 5:16 PM

My sister died on the 1st of September 2018 in a terrible accident, her funeral was 21st September 2018 – people talk about waves of grief but the reality is far different. Grief is like a freight train that enters through your heart and soul, it is physical and it makes no sense. It leaves you hollow with a void in your heart. Her husband, my lovely brother in law and their 6 year old son are coming to stay for the weekend. Don’t know what to expect but I’m there for him. Women seem to be able to grieve and talk and cry and cry some more- and to release the grief helps you heal. To grieve is to accept the loss. I too feel robbed, lonely, isolated and apathetic as both my past and future with my sister has been deprived of me. Let out the grief, crying is part of the process of grief gentlemen. When I see my lovely brother in law this Friday and the beautiful son they have- I will put my arms around him and cry for the loss we both share. I will listen. I will do what my sister would want (and what your lost wives would want) and try to rebuild my very different life. Grief to me is like giving birth – it is a physical entity that your body must experience to get to the other side of the grief. But you must embrace it.

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Chris September 28, 2018 at 1:18 AM

I lost my wife June 7th, 2016 to multiple sclerosis. She was 36, I was 37. Truthfully, it hasn’t gotten easier. The second year, in some ways, is worse than the first. It just plain sucks.

There aren’t adequate words.

I miss her tremendously.

No easy answers.

Just love and grief.

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Steven B Perry September 30, 2018 at 1:59 AM

I lost my Tammy 6 days ago to renal failure, she had been on dialysis for 6 yrs, we were married 21 yrs, but the last 11-12 yrs we had been together 24/7, my kids, and grandkids have helped me alot, but this has been the longest week of my life

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CM October 7, 2018 at 4:44 AM

I lost my wife of 24 years (29 together total) this August. I have been with her every day since we were 16. I lost my best friend. She gave me purpose. Being her husband gave me my identity. She was the glue that kept our home together. I feel like my sons lost both their parents. I nothing left for them emotionally. Grief has made me selfish, I want my sons home with me, yet I have nothing to say to them or do for them. I hate the house, it is so cold and empty now, yet I don’t want to go out and do anything. Everyone says “you will get through this”, but get “through it” to what exactly? An existence without her? I feel like the rest of my life is a sentence now, a curse. To have had a soulmate, and to lose her, is to be alone forever now because no one could ever replace her. I can’t even get rid of her toiletries, her stuff is all I have left to prove I mattered to someone once. I can’t stand this. I miss her so very much every day.

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Chris October 7, 2018 at 4:44 AM

I lost my wife of 24 years (29 together total) this August. I have been with her every day since we were 16. I lost my best friend. She gave me purpose. Being her husband gave me my identity. She was the glue that kept our home together. I feel like my sons lost both their parents. I nothing left for them emotionally. Grief has made me selfish, I want my sons home with me, yet I have nothing to say to them or do for them. I hate the house, it is so cold and empty now, yet I don’t want to go out and do anything. Everyone says “you will get through this”, but get “through it” to what exactly? An existence without her? I feel like the rest of my life is a sentence now, a curse. To have had a soulmate, and to lose her, is to be alone forever now because no one could ever replace her. I can’t even get rid of her toiletries, her stuff is all I have left to prove I mattered to someone once. I can’t stand this. I miss her so very much every day.

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Bill October 8, 2018 at 4:54 PM

I lost my wife to cancer last year 9/2/2017. We were married for 31 years. I think about her every day. I miss her so much. Life does feel empty and meaningless with out her. I hope what they say about the second year being harder than the first year is wrong. I miss her I miss her I miss her. Good luck to everyone it aint easy.

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rajaselva October 24, 2018 at 2:27 PM

I too lost my wife aged 33 to Thyroid Cancer on the 25/10/1998 morning 0455hrs. My children were 2&4 years old and i was 39. It was very tough but i had my mother and 3 elder sisters to shower love to my kids. As for me i accepted Christ 3 years ago and Jesus Christ gave me not only Salvation but comfort from grief of the loss of my wife.
Only GOD can give comfort to those suffer loss of loved ones and no one else can.
GOD BLESS

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frank October 30, 2018 at 9:49 AM

I lost my wife 12 years ago.i was at work my son called me it was very sudden.i haven’t been able to come to grips with losing her she was my everything.i just live day to day work,eat and wait for the day it is my turn.

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Ryan November 4, 2018 at 7:43 PM

I lost my wife of 15 years unexpectedly on August 12th 2018. She was 39. We have 3 children. It has been a struggle to say the least. Dealing with the grief is a living hell. It is truly a nightmare I cant wake up from

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Bobby November 6, 2018 at 1:38 PM

I lost my wife of 35 years this month to cancer. We were always together. It was love at first sight and the first love for both of us. I feel like someone has torn my heart out of my chest and stomped it on concrete. But I will carry on because that is what she would expect of me. She always said I was her hero. What little fear of death I had died with her. God is great and Jesus answers prayers. She died quickly and with almost no pain after the diagnosis. In the end she died peacefully going asleep after telling me she loved me. I look forward to being with her again some day. I know there is life after death because I was with her when she was passing over and she provided me with absolute proof. It was private and I will not share our experience, but I am telling you there is a paradise and there is another life after death. Her passing over was beautiful and is what will keep me going strong without her until we are together again. Her final gift of love to me.

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Gary Boyce December 22, 2018 at 6:04 PM

Your story almost echos mine. I am having a very tough time forgiving God in my case. I am constantly asking why her-why do I get to stay in misery? Why cant I not wake up one morning due to a broken heart? Similar to yours my wife died quickly just 2 months from diagnosis. We had her at home hospice for 3 weeks and then it was too much and they moved her to inpatient facility and she had 8 days. It was the most dreadful time from the moment we received her diagnosis- a death sentence. For some reason either she didnt hear it or refused but she never thought she way dying. Yet she was in room when Dr told us “incurable”. She was stronger-tougher than I. She got 10 radiation treatments and they stopped her chemo after 1 as she could not take anymore. It was then home hospice became the plan. We were inseparable-together forever and planned a long retirement-she only got months . I/ she were robbed- screwed…you name it and yes I resent God right now as well. If we were giving him credit for the good things-he should not be exempt from this horrible tragedy to a wonderful woman. Now as it approaches- Christmas is dead to me. Her most favorite time of year! Now my most dreaded.

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Randy September 27, 2019 at 10:45 AM

Hi Bobby,

I lost my wife, soulmate and best friend of 31 years on August 7, 2019 after a 4 year battle with cancer. I am only happy knowing she is pain free and at peace. I feel she most certainly has joined all of our loved ones in “Our Lords Heaven”. In reading your story I was comforted to see that your confidence is so high that we will have life after death. The thought of never seeing my Suzie has caused great distress, anxiety, you name it. I hope you are well and wanted you to know how much your story helped. May God Bless You and your family. Thank You.

Sincerely and Respectfully,
Randy

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Gary Boyce December 22, 2018 at 5:53 PM

I lost the love of my life-soulmate- life support in August-it was 2 months from diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer with brain mets.It was a shocking and sudden situation-one we had no signs of knowing other than her habitual bad back. We had just retired and bought our retirement home to be with grandkids. I was 64 and she 62! We were married 37 years and in love for 44. I am lost and in a constant daze. I hate the new me. She did all the things that would take the stress off of me. She was the rock of the family and now I am lost never to be found again. I hate going to bed at night but waking up every morning I find myself asking WHY WHY do I get to stay? I would have wanted it reversed and thats the way its supposed to be -so now instead of growing old together, I am alone and dreading every day-every phone call-every walk to the mail box. I have lost all my confidence -ambition and drive. I honestly do not want to live and dont know why with such a broken heart I have not been taken like the fortunate ones who follow their spouse not long after they go. How many years of this could I take? its only 4 months and its bloody damn hell.

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David Crawford January 9, 2019 at 10:50 AM

I lost my wife of 40 years on Christmas Eve 2018, she was crossing a road at a cross walk and was hit and killed in front of my 38 year old son, I ran to the site and saw she was gone. For all these years she was my companion, lover and protector, she took are of me, when I got home after that I saw it wasn’t a home any more just a place to sleep, my 3 kids are grown and have families so they have some one to help, they are trying to help me and I love them dearly for it. My feeling of loss is unbearable, my wife was a preschool teacher she impacted the lives of soo many peoples, I feel the loss for all these people, she was a wonderful woman and should not have died that was. It’s so hard to go on every day but I am going to try.

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George Goertzen April 6, 2019 at 4:58 PM

After reading most of the above comments I realize I’ve been most blessed. I lost my wife 3 months ago. She was 93, I’m 90. We were married 67 years. She was ill for 8 months and died of cancer. I had the privilege of caring for her for all but the last two weeks when my 2 daughters moved in and helped until she died. I live in Canada and our Cancer Society covered the costs of pain and other cancer care management costs. I’m a retired physician and my daughters are both medically trained professionals. So I was blessed; however, I can identify with all the grief emotions mentioned above. It hurts, it’s painful, it’s sad, it’s lonely. The home is very empty, her chair remains empty even if a loved grandchild sits in it. Her presence is gone forever. I found C.S. Lewis’s book “A grief observed” very helpful and encouraging although my pain has continued. The Bible talks about death as an enemy and with a sting. How very true that is. My family and friends are supportive and encourage me saying, “it will get easier”. I’m encouraged by my faith that I will see my loved wife again, not as a wife to continue on with our relationship we loved so much here, but as redeemed sinners, we’ll worship Jesus together for timeless eternity.

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Mike December 20, 2019 at 8:06 AM

Brother George: Thank you for your thoughtful post. My dear wife Dawn was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in August, 2018; she went home to Jesus four months later, after surviving a surgery and post surgical infection. She was my partner in ministry for 36 years; I too was privileged to care for her for several weeks at home. I worked with her accounts and paperwork for several weeks early this year (IRAs, bills, etc); it was in sorting and packing her clothing for donation to a local Christian thrift store, that I wept often, in remembering her wearing this or that. I’m just now finishing; two good friends (sisters) shared that in sorting their late father’s clothes, they kept certain items, and found a seamstress who made a “memory quilt” for each of them; I have kept some of Dawn’s clothing, and plan to explore that. I too rejoice in the faith that I will one day see Jesus and my beautiful wife again; my greatest concern, is “How can I best serve the Lord now, with the rest of my days?” There is much I don’t understand, surrounding her illness and death; I too have experienced many of the grief emotions shared above. At the same time, I can’t help but thank God for the countless friendships and moments and experiences we enjoyed together, in life and ministry; Dawn’s smile and laughter “could light up a room”; I just want to somehow serve the Lord with gratitude, knowing that she is “home” with Him, and I soon will be. Thank you.

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Ron April 11, 2019 at 5:17 PM

I lost my wife Patricia, Mar 8, 2019, after more than a two year battle with renal failure. We were married almost fifty-five years. She suffered through four hospital stays totaling 36 days, two strokes that left her unable to walk and affected her speech, 25 days of rehab, almost a year of dialysis and too many doctor visits to remember. In early Feb 2019 she was diagnosed with calciphylaxis, an incurable disease affecting the arteries and veins in her legs which could soon result in the loss of both legs by amputation. On Mar 4, she made the decision to stop dialysis and receive only ‘comfort care’ and pain relief. We brought her home on Mar 5 under hospice care and she passed three days later. My main solace has been remembering the fifty plus years of happiness we had, including two wonderful daughters and three grandchildren. I will love her forever.

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Eric April 18, 2019 at 11:37 AM

I lost my wife of ten years on Sept 7th 2018 at the age of 28 to a head on collision right around the corner from my home I am having hard times accepting things still all Grief groups I find seem to be centered around religion which makes me fell even more isolated I try and keep things normal for my three children but i feel i am losing a daily battle. I feel like their is something I cant reach every day like its right in front of me.
i have never experienced loss of any kind before this As well i cant help but to feel like i failed her not being there in her final moments as she was in pain.

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Bob April 25, 2019 at 2:20 PM

I lost my wife Deb of 39 years February 2019. I was able to be her full time caregiver for 3 years at home. She had very rare terminal brain disease called Progressive Supranuclear Palsy. We have 2 adult children but also have 2 foster children. We’ve had the 2 foster children from new born babies and they are now 16 and 18, so they are of course our kids. One child is special needs. It was a tough 3 years running the house alone but I would have done that for the rest of my life if I could have. I’m finding it so difficult since she passed away. I promised her that I would always be here for all our kids and make her proud and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I cry everyday and asked myself why, why did she have to die at 57 years old. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. She was my life and I wonder everyday how I’m going to be able to go on without her. I hate when people tell me it will get easier as time goes by. I don’t want to ever forget her. Am I going to live the rest of my life like this and with this pain. I should have gone first as she was the foundation of this family. Why her…it should have been me. I still dream of holding each other. I’ve read the above comments and I know exactly what your all saying and feeling.. It did help though, as I thought nobody knew what I am feeling. Take care guy’s, I’m thinking of you all and wish you the best. Hang in there…Bob .

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MM May 15, 2019 at 4:54 AM

I have read the thread and share the loss. My wonderful beautiful wife died seven weeks ago from cancer aged 49 years. I cannot comprehend how she must have felt knowing she was going to die; her future ending, all that she had worked for coming to an end, never see her children grow into adults or see our grandchildren. She was wonderful; wife, mother, my best friend. My son 15yrs and daughter 13yrs have lost out so much. I feel so gutted, cheated, robbed. I feel sick, emotional at the smallest and unpredictable thing. My future should’ve been another 30 years with her and to mother our wonderful children. All our plans and dreams gone. I haven’t got a clue what I’m going to do in the next few weeks or months or longer. Just waiting for the intensity of it all to lessen.

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Anthony June 21, 2019 at 9:44 PM

I recently lost my wife of twenty years to a rare form of cancer. She fought one hell of a short battle.

We were inseparable. She was a significant part of my life for over half of my existence. Not only was she my wife, she was my best friend, my muse, my centre, my reason, my soul mate, my lover and my love.

We enjoyed each other’s company. Who wouldn’t want to share life with their best friend. Who wouldn’t want to come home to crawl up to and feel the warmth of your love.

Her passing happened at just a bad time. I know there is never a good time for death, but she passed away just after the anniversary of the death of our daughter, before her birthday and fortnight before our 20th wedding anniversary.

I cared for her without a thought and with no support. I know she would have done the same for me.. I was holding her hand, reminiscing with her when she took her last breath. At that point, my heart just shattered, a feeling of emptiness settled within. Half of my soul just died. All our future plans just vanished. The loneliness that meanders within; deafening. Each day is a struggle…torture for a better word. Knowing that I will never see her again, hear her voice, agree to disagree or feel the touch of her.

She always would joke about finding someone for me if she happened to become seriously ill, as she knew me better than I knew myself. I always laughed it off as a joke. Who really thinks about their mortality at a young age!

I was never a people person to begin and I fear her death will just make me become more reclusive. Maybe it’s because I feel as if I try to move on, it’s a betrayal, maybe I have no idea seeing as she was my first and only love or that I am fearful of feeling this emotional pain again.

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J.D. Walker July 13, 2019 at 8:29 AM

Thank you for your insight I lost my wife, of 29 years, last night to IPF. I kinda knew that the time hod come the day before, but didn’t want to believe it. She was my foundation. She was a godly woman and I am so greatfull she chose me. I Ididnt show her enough but I loved her beyond words. I can’t stop crying! The two children, two stepchildern, and 9 grandchildren try to help gut they can’t get the full realization of what I’m feeling. Everything I see reminder me of her. Prayer, scriptures, and articles like yours hepl. I will see her again!

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JOHN WINSTON VILORIA July 15, 2019 at 4:48 AM

I lost my wife 2 months ago due to Leukemia, it was so painful… We are always together most of the time after day work. She’s the love of my life, an Architect to our household. We have 5 year old beautiful daughter and hard to explain when her mom already gone. I am always on her side when my wife battling on this fatal disease. Now she’s free from pain but I am dying too. I can’t imagine the world without her presence. I ask God if he really loves me, why we ended up like this? I was traumatized when she struggling and fade away slowly. I love her so much… she’s forever in my heart. I always pray I can get through all of this pain and difficulties. I frequently talking to her in my mind if she’s okay on other dimension. and to show up even in my dream.. Help me GOd on this trial.

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david July 15, 2019 at 3:40 PM

It does get better John.. I lost my wife of 36 years to cancer on 1/3/18.. Ironically a cancer specialist .. A truly amazing women, business person, giver and mother.. I was her caregiver so I know of watching a beautiful women fade away.. I can tell you that I made a conscious effort from the
time she died to take care of myself I spend everyday as an encourager.. It does get better.. And even creates a little balance.. Though the hard questions will only be truly answered after this life.. My daughter who just graduated college had a very hard time with it as you would expect.. But I do see,more balance and peace in here life too.. Everyday it gets a little better thought there are periods of time where I feel disoriented.. Primarily because I am in a new life.. And not one I chose.. I have a lot of friends and do a lot activities and always have..That too keeps it from getting so wacky.. I have dated quite a bit as well and currently have a girlfriend.. Ironically she lost her mother in a plane crash when she was
12.. In the beginning it was nice just to get to know other women.. And more importantly I realized there are many amazing women.. So to be fair to all of us who have lost an extraordinary wife ore husband ..there are so many wonderful people.. Just embrace that they are not the person you lost, and know that your loved one whom you did lose would want you to be happy too.. I think about my wife everyday and am very sad at times too.. I can see that happiness is a choice.. As I have always told my daughter.. when you feel lost in yourself.. bless and encourage others.. You will be blessed back.. And though happiness is a choice there will be times when you are so very sad.. And thats okay.. But try to think about someone you can help and encourage and follow through on it.. It improves over time.. And when you see God you can tell Him you didn’t think too much of His timeline for your spouse’s passing ..But it won’t matter because you will have already seen her and countless others that went before you!

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BobC July 16, 2019 at 3:55 PM

I lost my wife of 18 years yesterday suddenly in the night @48. She had been sick for years and I’d been the primary caregiver. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through this, no children, but family and friends are helping. I don’t see a future now. We worked through most of the problems and I thought reached the point where things were supposed to be good – we were reaping the benefits of hard work. We had plans…now they are gone – everything feels gone.

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Tim Lundell September 25, 2019 at 8:53 PM

I’m crying now (as I do so easily these days), as I read these heartbreaking comments from husbands much like me, brothers in grief. My wife, Penelope, my best friend for 42 years, died six weeks ago after a four-month battle with gallbladder cancer. Although she was 69, we were both (we thought) in excellent health and were so excited that I was retiring this year, with plans for long adventure cruises next year and the next, our son’s wedding in November, our other son having another child that same month…so many things that we had planned and were looking forward to. Hopes and dreams disappeared in an instant as I held her in my arms as she took one last deep breath…and was gone. As an earlier commenter shared, I too live with fear accompanying the profound grief, fear that my grief will never end, fear that Penny is entirely gone from existence and will never be with me again in any sense other than memory, fear that my memories themselves will fade and that she will just be a shadow in my mind, whose voice I can just barely recall. I play short videos over and over just so I can preserve that memory, but just like watching old movies (which we loved to do together), we grow older while the actors do not. Just as any couple living with terminal cancer, we knew the end would come, we knew there would be grief and loneliness, but never did I come even close to anticipating how hard it would be. Thank you all for sharing your grief and for sharing mine.

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John Bresnik September 25, 2019 at 10:04 PM

Slowly, but surely. It has been two and a half years since my wife had a fatal cycling accident. We were married for fifty-two years. We had five children, so many memories in the bank. She was a triathlete so she knew her way around a bike, but apparently she was going fast down a hill and hit something in the road, but there were no witnesses.

I’ve had three heart attacks and was supposed to die first — so, we just don’t know, do we… now I’m here on my own and trying to figure out what to do. You just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. But, I actually have a great future – teaching piano, selling my photographs, enjoying woodworking skills — yes, plenty to do until my number shows up.

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Joe Esposito October 7, 2019 at 4:42 PM

I lost my wife Joanne two weeks ago. We were together for forty years.
Joanne suffered from frontal temporal dementia. I was her caregiver
for the last 9 months while she was in hospice care at home.
We had a great marriage, two sons and two granddaughters.
I’m just now feeling the loss, even though I knew she was going
to die at anytime in those last 9 months. It really hurts.
We had just retired three years ago when the first symptoms became apparent
and it had been a living hell ever since.
After reading the above article and so many of the comments I don’t feel
alone anymore.
Thank you all for sharing It really helps.

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David-leo Alabi October 11, 2019 at 5:28 AM

I’m 33, lost my wife ten days ago. She died from complications from child birth. We got married May this year. I’ve been overtaken by grief ever since.

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Bob October 22, 2019 at 7:34 AM

My Mary and I were together for 22 years, but were never legally married. We stayed together because we wanted to stay together, not because some dried out piece of paper meant you would lose half of your stuff if you divorce. She died on June 23, 2017 from complications from a heart attack. Everyone tells you “I know how you feel” and “things will get better”. Both statements, while coming from the heart, are outright lies. Only someone who has lost the love of their life can possibly know how it feels. No, things don’t get better; they just get “different”. Being an atheist, I don’t have the irrational (by dictionary definition) belief that “she’s in a better place” and “you’ll see her again”. There is no good evidence to substantiate either assertion. I am therefore forced to deal with the full power of my emotions on a minute-by-minute basis, and they are overpowering and very, very ugly. She is gone, and I have every confidence I shall never see her again.

I had to quit drinking; it got to the point where all it did was make me cry and scream into all hours of the night, leaving me an emotional wreck the next day. I can no longer look at pictures of her, remember her, or even listen to music that tangentially reminds me of her; it’s just too painful. My only purpose in life right now is to keep my job so I can care for the house and our nine cats. Once they are gone, I will no longer be of any use. I have lost count of the number of nights I have fervently hoped I would just die in my sleep. For the record, I will not attempt to kill myself. Something inside me simply won’t permit it. I wish it were otherwise.

At this juncture, I regard myself as damaged goods. No woman would want me, and if one did, I am still so torn up inside over my Mary that I cannot foresee ever being ready for another relationship. Even if I were, the time I spend maintaining my job, my life, and the lives of my cats barely leaves me time to get 5 or 6 hours of sleep before having to wake up and start all over the next day. I just hope that when it comes time for me to leave this world, I do it quickly and painlessly.

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David-leo Alabi October 29, 2019 at 1:08 PM

I understand how you feel, Bob. I just lost mine. I suggest you talk to someone, pickup a hobby. Staying alone by yourself would only lead to depression and trust me she wouldn’t want that for you.

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mahmoud October 22, 2019 at 1:22 PM

I’m 41 , three months ago I lost her, suddenly just three days of sickness, died while i driving here to hospital, holding here hand , saying that ” please be strong, and fight” but destiny was stronger.
it is like earth stop moving , like the end of the word,
but I have kids, and I have to carry on her work, that what I told my self,
only the smile of my kids is really change my mode.
but the question in my mind, what I will do if I get old?

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Gunter October 22, 2019 at 4:54 PM

God bless all of you! Yes, there is a God and his son is Jesus Christ. We all will see our wives again.
Just try to imagine that reunion!!! This is the only thing that brings me joy and comfort and knowing
she is healed from her stroke induced paralysis and kidney disease. She died suddenly 7 months ago.
We were married 41 years. There are no words to express my grief, profound sadness and loneliness.
We lost our 3 year old son 35 years ago and now mother and son are together again, I cannot wait
to join them one day…..again what a reunion it will be! All together again with Jesus for all eternity.
We will not get over our loss but we will get thru it with God’s help.

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John Emerson October 28, 2019 at 4:00 PM

I lost my wife 9-8-2019 , she was 53 years old, she had been in hospital for a year and a half. She had a trach in her, plus she was on dialysis. I also lost my job in June of this year. I have a 14 old daughter witch we both so much .i am 58 years old and very lonely, I cry all the time. Losing a spouse got to be the worst thing that could happen to someone. John

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John Emerson October 28, 2019 at 4:29 PM

My wife died 9-8-2019. We were married for almost 26 years. I lost my job. In June of this year also. I have a 13 year old daughter too. My wife was only 53 years old when she died I am 58 . I cry all the time,plus I am very lonely. My wife had a trach in her plus she was on dialysis my was my rock and I miss so much losing a spouse has to be the worst thing you have to face. John emerson

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Maria Upal November 24, 2019 at 7:57 AM

I met a wonderful man few months ago who told me that his wife died 18 years ago from cancer. He is now 69 yrs, and shortly after meeting me he said he was suffering from brutal guilt . He has been told that he is suffering from chronic mourning and is now in therapy, and has been told not to contact me while in therapy- Is this right?

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Bjoy January 29, 2020 at 7:05 AM

No! It is not a counselor or therapists place to give such advice. I am a licensed counselor specializing in grief. We are to give tools to clients to aid them in developing insight to make the best and healthiest decisions for them. It is their lives not ours.

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GRAHAM BAKER December 7, 2019 at 8:20 AM

Lost my wife Peñny on 6 November 2019. To Mets Breast Cancer Penny ♥️ was 67 Years old GP was treating her for Siadica Penny ♥️ lasted 21 days after diagnosis. This after GP was treating me for Piles after tests I had Prostate cancer same GP. Had treatment RT in June/July. I miss Penny ♥️ so much we had been married for 48 years Penny ♥️ was my life my sunshine that got me through life each day Penny ♥️ did everything for me. I am in tears all the time asking how it has happened I feel I cannot carry on without her I am and never been so lonely I hope my cancer takes me also. I just don’t know how to cope. At the moment I just want to die myself.

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Jeff January 13, 2020 at 10:57 PM

I lost my wife of almost 30 years from multiple Sclerosis a little over a year ago. My daughter and I found her drowned in the bathtub. I performed CPR on her as my children called 911. Between her vomitus etc, it was very graphic and I still have nightmares. After about 20 min, the paramedics showed up and pronounced her dead. As a nurse of many years, my training kicked in immediately. And as a nurse it doesn’t make it any easier knowing I could not bring her back. We tend to compartmentalize the bad things we see during our career. I refused therapy because I know many therapists who are themselves burned out from the constant stress they deal with. After this year I still miss her dearly. She was my rock and and I find it hard to care for my family and fulfill a full time job. She was ill for many years and I became quickly accustomed to caring for her every needs, taking her to her neurologist and other specialists on a routine basis. Now I struggle raising my family, most of which are becoming young adults, while still caring for my wife’s aging mother. My friends and family were supportive in the beginning, however as time went by they soon forgot or had their own issues to deal with. As a middle aged man I see myself becoming increasingly lonely as my children age and move on with their lives. I have no interest in another relationship as I don’t believe anyone could measure up to my wife and my children’s mother. As they say, “Life sucks and the you die”. No, I have no intention of suicide, however I have no interest in sharing my life with someone who can’t, in my perceived opinion, to measure up to my wife. She was my crown jewel and I will miss her until the day I die. Studies have shown that single men live shorter lives. I only hope I can do the best for my family in the interim. At my age, most opportunities for relationships are at best mediocre and, no, I’m not desperate nor a snob.

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Don February 20, 2020 at 2:20 PM

My wife passed away six years ago, after fifty year eight years of marriage. I thought the grief would lessen as time passed, but it has been the opposite for me. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her, and I miss her now more than when she first left me.I also am deeply troubled thinking about the times that I could have been a better husband. I have accepted what had to be, but that does not ease the pain.

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Joe March 28, 2020 at 11:11 AM

My wife of 24 years passed away this week. A brain tumour only diagnosed 3months ago. Our 3 kids and I were with her when she passed. I am broken. For the past 3 months I was the pillar that everyone counted on. Today I can’t support my own weight. She was 51. It was not fair. I am lost and broken. I can’t mourn properly, only 15 allowed at funeral…she would have 300 otherwise. People can’t visit afraid of the. Virus. I am lost broken and scared.

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Ryan March 31, 2020 at 7:53 PM

I lost my wife of 20 years to suicide 6 months ago. I am trying, have been trying to grieve and be strong. I talk to her every night. I miss her so much. most days it is too much of burden to keep going. I have no children. I am alone. I fearful all the time and I have a sinking feeling that I will end up taking my own life to be with her. I just don’t know how to continue.

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David Beart March 31, 2020 at 8:12 PM

I am sorry to hear the bad news and how hard it has been on you. Though I understand that you don’t have children, your life and time on this planet does matter to your friends and fammily.

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GMAN May 10, 2020 at 1:43 AM

Hi lost my women dec 29 2019 i’m not sure if I can handle this situation my house used to be full of people now no one calls no one comes by nothing it’s just bad I don’t know what’s worse the loneliness or the isolation with this virus now it’s even worse . personally no one gives a rats ass .

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Ramble May 11, 2020 at 8:59 PM

My wife and I were married 52 years when she passed away from gall bladder cancer. We fought this battle for about eighteen months. She held up better than I did. She was strong but gentle of heart. I think the last couple of months reality ate away at her strength, but she never said so. She always gave other people credit and never let herself openly give way to pain and anguish. I don’t know how you do that…I was with her every day and night falling apart with no sense of balance. My heart was sinking and my hope fading. The doctors tried all kinds of stuff, but there was little to be offered for gall bladder cancer as it is rare and not studied that much. In March of 2020 we chose home hospice. She was comfortable with the surroundings and the pain medication helped…some. For the first day or two at home she seemed to have a burst of energy that surprised us all. But, it was short lived and she passed away shortly thereafter with the family holding on to every weak breath. I think I went into a state of shock and grief wasn’t even in my thoughts. It was disbelief that befriended me….grief caught up with me later. I have tried to put this all in proper context as a Christian. I know we are not the timekeepers of our lives….that is left to the Sovereign God above. It is written in Ephesians that he knew us before the foundations of the world. Knowing that, he surely knows when our earthly time will end and we can rest, and I mean rest in eternal peace and joy. Yet in God’s providence (today) we have his word for our daily dose of strength, and we can surround ourselves with Godly people for a spiritual shove to keep on keeping on. No day is without some pain and many with a great deal of pain. We have to think though there is still work to be done.

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Jack June 1, 2020 at 1:17 AM

I lost my sweet wife Pam on October 20, 2019. We knew each other since high school and married for 37 years. She had cancer 12 years ago but beat it with surgery and no chemo. She said under no circumstances would she do chemo and they told her she would be dead in 2 years. Well I’m here to tell you she proved them wrong and we had 12 more great years after the first diagnosis. The second time it came back in her bones and the first sign was when she had pain in her back when we were golfing. 10 months later she was gone, died in our bed with me, our son and daughter at her side. Unfortunately no big dramatic talks, she basically slept the entire time her last few days on this earth. Thankfully, we both belived in God and trust she is in heaven. I’m happy she is no longer in pain but like many have said before life here on earth just simply doesn’t seem to have as much meaning anymore. She was 5’4″ 115″ her entire life and could have been a swimsuit model. I also joked that I married way, way up. Everyone always commented how great she looked and never aged. I know it may sound shallow but I so miss having her beautiful body at my side and of course nobody ever talks about the loss of sex life. We had a great time in the bedroom and it was even better when we became empty nesters a few years ago. Now I get sad thinking how this beautiful woman is never coming back and if I even think about meeting sometone else I realize there is no way I could ever have anyone close to being in Pam’s league. IWe raised 2 great kids, with both recently graduating college. I feel bad because our daughter and Pam would talk every other day on the phone and now she calls me but I’m lousy at chit chat which her Mom was fantastic at. Pam told me in her final days that I must make a choice to be happy. I told her I would but boy it’s much easier said than done. I still work full time and we did everything together. Golfing, boating, hiking, fishing, exploring…Now, I still do those things but it’s just not the same. Maybe in time it will get better, but as I’ve learned we just have to accept the fact there will be days when a big wave will crash down on you and feel like you are going to drown. But, we fight thru it and live another day. We don’t move on, but we do keep moving forward. As Tom Hanks said near the end of the movie Castaway…”I’ve lost the love of my life but the sun will still come up and go down every day just as the tide comes in every day. And who knows what the tide will bring in.”

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Why July 12, 2020 at 6:51 PM

2.5 yrs….Why hasn’t she come to see me from the other side as we were so close…true soulmates…..why hasn’t she told me it’s ok and that she truly is in a better place…..why am i left in this shithole alone..why was she taken from me when she is all i had….i have nothing left….i live each day as a robotic pile of nothingness doing nothing for nothing….Why has God taken my angel…Why do I still breathe….why

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Not Given July 31, 2020 at 3:45 PM

This is going to be my only entry here folks. My story has a similar sound, married thirty one years and she passed away two and a half years ago and I’m not going to face life alone. I’m just not up to the task, the means is sitting on the deak beside me I’m just working up the nerve to use it. Ellen showed me what life could be, how wonderful it was with the right person beside you. Fuck Cancer and frankly the treatment she recieved did nothing but rob her of her dignity her body and her mind. Seventeen tumors in her brain, seventeen. They used all the usual medications and treatments but finally wanted to use the Gama Knife(GK) to go after them. They used the GK and went after the seevnteen and later did it again on four more. It destroyed her mind/memory, she didn’t know who I was, the name of her pets, she couldn’t even remember the name of a Hot Dog. Medicine took my wife away from me before the Cancer could kill her and now what the hell am I supposed to do. She’s gone and I’m still here and I find I want to go be with her where ever that may be. I’ve been waiting for God to take me as well but he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to make that happen so I guess I’ll have to do it myself. I say don’t judge me but I’m not going to care in a few minutes anyway.

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Michael J. Perniciaro October 7, 2020 at 5:46 AM

Mr. Not Given. I read your post. I am truly sorry for the pain and absence of your loved one in your life. I hope you are still with us. You and I share a lot of the pain and sadness with our wonderful wives gone. I too, think about suicide. I had even typed a ‘final’ note to have on me if I carried out the end of my life. My wife died 2 months after being diagnosed with Leukemia. My wife also had a terrible outcome from the medical procedures to heal her. She came home after treatments were not curing her. She was battered and bruised, and one step away from being a complete invalid. She was home for 18 short hours before she passed. Married for 40 years, I loved her more than I could love anything. The best part of my life was gone. EVERYTHING changed. How I felt, how I thought, our loving home lost it’s luster. Instead of a home, it felt like just a house. I lost motivation to do anything. I no longer did the things I enjoyed. I became VERY sedidary (?) for months. I also pray to die in my sleep every night, and I am not a religious person. I would LOVE to be with her, but I haven’t committed to pulling the trigger. I honestly don’t look forward to this life without her, but I can’t end it by my own hand. I can only hope something else will take me out. It’s been 5 months since she passed, and I grieve, ache, and shed a tear for her everyday. What really pisses me off is that my wife was an angel without wings. She definitely did not deserve this. She was taken, and yet there are many pieces of shit on this earth that do bad things to other people, and still live day to day . It makes me think that GOD does not exist. You and I share a lot from our loss, but suicide just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do for me. To now keep living is a HUGE challenge. I hope you are still with us, and that it’s true that we will learn to adjust. When I absolutely hit a wall, I will reconsider my options, but in spite of the pain, and sorrow with the loss of my best friend, and the woman of my dreams, I’m not there yet. I wish you well. I really do. And I do know exactly how you feel. If you read all these other posts, you know we are not alone. Try to get well, and give it a little more time. Sincerely, Michael (“_)

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Lee August 17, 2020 at 7:27 PM

Hi,I lost my wife of 25yrs suddenly on the morning of 9/6/16..we were childhood sweethearts 14/16..beat the odds been together since then.cant stand a day away from each other,have 4 handsome boys together that was her world as am I .i just don’t understand giving us a loving family and loving relationship to take the most important person in our little family.she is definitely truly the better half and always give her all the credit.i feel our love was able to overcome anything so god or devil made sure there was no chance.we can’t even say goodbye so no closure.i have the mindset of that a man can not show weakness so it is very hard and in many ways I know she is stronger than I .now I have to raise for young momma boys alone when they need her the most.we lost her on her birthday month at 34 years too young.its angers me because I thank god everyday for her and our boys.Ppl judge me saying I am pretty emotional when it comes to her loss or compare that their loss is worse.i still cry everyday when I think about our love or my children losing their mother when they are so young.they and she did not deserve this and being a man a want the blunt of pain or punishment whatever this is.if it is a lesson and reason for this,I do not see it or anything positive from this excruciating pain.This is truly darker with her not here.she taught me love,self worth and opened my heart.My mother gave this woman all the credit of saving my life.i was at awe at her strength and greatness.so many great things to list that she has done for this city and family.she touched so many lives for the better.she warmed this cold hearted person and guide me to god.i am still have anger at god for taking such a beautiful soul from us but I can’t stop feeling that god took the pain away because there was no chance of saving her.she was in a single car accident after dropping our boys from school.To my love ,I miss and love you with every single breath I take and with every beat of my heart.and I still think about you every second since we you came into my life.I love you

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Brian September 8, 2020 at 8:46 AM

Hi, my wife passed on the 20th July 2020. she had breast cancer since 2017. She died at a young age of 53, we met in Feb 1986 and have three kids 19,22,29 years old. I cannot come to terms with losing my wife. I feel theres no more purpose, i have three grandkids but after my wifes death im numb. I also have a slight physical disability and this is contributing to my negative thoughts. I just feel ive served my purpose now. Im 53 and not sure what im going to do anymore
God Bless her for all she done for me i am truly broken now. Problem is too she died in hospital i never said good by to her. Im sad

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Michael J. October 18, 2020 at 6:43 AM

I have read ALL the posts on this site, and found myself shedding tears for people I don’t even know. My sincerest condolences to you all for your loss, and the emotional pain you have. We all have so much in common with grief from our loss. The pain, worthlessness, no motivation to do what we use to enjoy, the hole that will seem to never fill, loss of appetite, thoughts of suicide, and other unpleasant feelings. I share ALL these feelings with you. It doesn’t make me feel better, but at least I know I’m not alone. In my wildest thoughts, I would never have thought I’d be on this road. The more you love someone, the more it hurts. I no longer believe in God. My wife was an angel without wings, and she was taken. It upsets me greatly that there are people on this earth that do bad things to other people, and yet they still walk this earth. I no longer look forward to a long life. It’s been 6 months since my WONDERFUL wife has passed. Married 40 years, the only thing I have to look forward to is that I hope with every fiber of my being, I will be with my wife again. We all have different beliefs on what happens when we leave this life. Hopefully we’re right, but nobody knows for sure, so we hope or pray that there is something more after this life. When it’s my time to go, I will REALLY be pissed if I don’t see my wife again! Again, my sympathy to you all, and hope we DO somehow heal from all this emptiness.

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