If only marriage didn’t come with verbal baggage. You know, all those petty things that spouses spout off to one another, rooted in often baseless complaints that seem to arise directly from the sand dunes of stress and familial frustration. Here are just two of the most common examples:
“What exactly did you do all day?” said an irritated husband upon coming home to find his stay-at-home wife overwhelmed by a mound of laundry (and a messy house) with two toddlers in tow.
“Well, you’re NEVER home!” retorted a sassy wife to her husband, who is out “bringing home the bacon” day in and day out so the kids don’t have to go to daycare.
Sadly, there are tons more. One aspect of marriage that many people don’t mention is how quickly an ordinary conversation can turn malicious, mean, judgmental, and critical—often in just moments. Why? Because the easiest person to blame for anything that goes wrong in your family circle is your spouse. Plus, who else, aside from someone who stood next to you at the altar, will put up with your mood swings and allow you to blow off steam in the form of snarky comments? No one!
At some point, though, you have to wonder what kind of effect these “Did you really just say that?” moments have on your marriage. Couples often silently agree not to bicker over every aspect of living together in order to forge a perfect relationship. Most recognize that learning to live with one another’s differences and idiosyncrasies is easier than constantly nagging each other. Yet, the passive-aggressive moments of resentment still trickle in like a leaky faucet, leading to random slams against one another. Are YOU listening?
Marriage counselors agree that editorial-like critiques from a spouse—about the lack of sex, cleanliness in the house, or leaving underwear on a chair—are often worth paying attention to. In heated moments, couples tend to express what’s really bothering them. Surprisingly, these well-directed stabs aren’t usually about something bigger lurking beneath the surface; they are, in fact, the truth. Yes, it really bothers your spouse that you never pick up your underwear, and yes, it genuinely upsets them that the house is suffering from clutter overload. But the good news is that they still love you.
Finding Balance in Marriage
Every person brings different expectations to marriage regarding how to live well together. There’s no perfect way to mesh these ideals, yet in a world with much bigger issues than whose method is right, the little things still matter in a marriage. If your spouse seems overly critical or rude about their complaints, consider listening to what they are saying and trying to find a compromise. If you give a little, they may give a little in return. In the end, it’s all about balance.
It’s also crucial not to use your spouse as a sounding board for every complaint. Choose to express your opinions when you aren’t feeling overly stressed and aren’t in the midst of a heated debate about trivial matters like whether the toilet seat should go up or down. This way, your words will likely be received more clearly and without hurtfulness.
Of course, every relationship involving rings and children comes with a healthy dose of competition over who does more around the house. Navigating these differences and seeing marriage as a partnership—where surviving at work and managing a home with children are equally important—is essential. Remembering that intimacy is still important, regardless of who initiates it, can also help maintain harmony. In other words, your partner’s shoes are no easier to fill than yours are. Different? Yes. Easier? No!
Next time your partner says something that feels too harsh, call them out on it. Be assertive and ask, “Did you really mean to stab me in the back with that comment, or are you just a little annoyed right now?” When you address these “Oh my goodness, you just said that OUT LOUD” moments, you can bring your spouse back to mindfulness and hold them accountable for their words. Plus, you’ll have a chance to discuss the comment and find a way to resolve it, rather than stewing about it for days, wondering what they really meant. If your spouse is truly upset that you leave your shoes in a mess at the bottom of the closet, maybe you can try harder to keep them tidy. And who knows, perhaps they will address one of their own annoying habits as well.
Life is short. In marriage and family, it’s always better to stay on top of things and maintain clear, upfront communication, so you don’t waste time being upset about petty matters. Remember that both of you are doing your best to make things work. While your approaches may differ, standing together will make you much stronger than tearing each other down with verbal jabs.
