Disciplining a 12 Year Old

They are bigger, mouthier, tougher, and seem to be at an age where they should just plain know better. You may look at your pre-teen daughter or son, seeing someone as tall as you, and wonder what in the world is making him or her act like such a child. Looks can be deceiving, and the reality is that they are most definitely still children! Disciplining a 12-year-old is definitely not as easy as disciplining a younger child. However, this is one of the most pivotal ages where proper discipline, high expectations, boundaries, and limits must be set and adhered to—otherwise, parents risk facing out-of-control teenage years.

Most 12-year-olds are in 6th grade. Both boys and girls are hormonal and are subjected to a new form of education that includes far less hand-holding and nurturing. They are switching classes, have numerous teachers, deal with loads of homework, and are navigating the manic social conditions of a life filled with peer pressure. This is the time when some parents are letting go, returning to work, and offering a dangerous sense of freedom to their children, while others are still clinging tightly to discipline and supervision as if their life depended on it.

Not only are you fighting against your children, but you are also trying to rationalize the behavior of other parents and adults—something that can make parents question their own style. Stick to your guns. Realize that you know your children best—their strengths, weaknesses, and what works for you and your home will be different from what works for your neighbors. Your child is now somewhere in the middle of childhood, coveting what some of the kids are able to do, and wishing you only understood how hard things are for them.

Let’s be honest, while you may remember this turbulent time in your life, you don’t really know how it feels anymore to be a pre-teen. That being said, parents should cut their kids a little slack at this age (just not too much).

Effective Discipline Strategies for a 12-Year-Old

One tip for disciplining a 12-year-old is to allow them to have an outlet. They can’t explode on their teachers or friends at school. They can’t run all of their frustrations out on the playground. The only “safe place” they have to release mixed-up and tangled emotions is at home, with you. While this means you may have to endure rants and raves, slamming doors, eye rolls, and exclamations of how unfair life is at every turn, it is important that your child feels you are both listening and remaining compassionate.

The child who doesn’t release their frustration or is so bound by political politeness at home will only suffer from withheld aggression. No, they shouldn’t be calling you names, using curse words, or being physically aggressive, but parents should be willing to listen and ignore a certain degree of their behavior.

Another key to effective discipline of a 12-year-old is to set firm limits. They should already know right from wrong and good from bad. The key is having rules and regulations that clearly govern behavior, which will be accepted and not negotiable. Give them something very clear to work with that has no gray area, and don’t allow any of it to be compromised, argued, or negotiated. The rules are the rules. If one is broken, punishment (again, something they are familiar with) should be handed down every time.

If they have a big game on Saturday and are grounded for not doing their homework, you can’t constantly be making amendments. If you allow them to go to the game out of mercy, you are teaching them that all things in life are negotiable. While you may feel like a heel, you have to do the right thing every time. Otherwise, a 12-year-old will manipulate this parental weakness to a breaking point. Yours.

It’s also important to remember that dealing with a 12-year-old cannot be about trickery or bribery. When they were 6, it may have worked just fine. All you had to say was “Santa Claus is watching,” and you had immediate adherence. Fear- or guilt-based discipline does not work on most 12-year-olds, and you have to be honest and forthright. Talk to them as if they are adults—realizing, of course, that they aren’t. Be explicit.

If you are willing to engage in debates or arguments with your 12-year-old about behavioral or disciplinary actions, you are opening a can of worms that won’t easily be resealed. Be firm, be stern, and be mean and heartless if you have to. 12-year-olds need tough love and the clear understanding that they are loved and supported in their feelings. Also, realize that much of the way they behave and much of the wrong they do is driven by emotions that they cannot yet understand or put words to.

Disciplining a 12-year-old should also include a large amount of patience on your part. Children of this age should be entitled to their opinions and feelings, but should not be allowed to be so selfish that this is all that matters in your home. Set up time for talking and listening, and be sure to give them your full attention, as wholeheartedly as you expect them to give you theirs.

If your child says, “You never listen to me,” there’s a good chance you’re cutting off their breath and bullying them. The thing is, much of the discipline at this age is about teaching them self-control. The best way to teach self-control is to show it yourself and be a living example of how well it works in action.

So, what is adequate discipline for a 12-year-old? The answer is clear but different for every child. You have to be able to find their “currency.” For some, it may be the Nintendo, the iPod, or the cell phone. For others, it may be time spent outdoors or weekends with friends.

When you are able to get a 12-year-old to realize that the things in their life are privileges rather than just something they are entitled to, you can effectively help them make the connection. At first, they’ll just be mad that you took their cell phone away, but eventually, they will start to realize that their good behavior and actions come with rewards—like things or the ability to be trusted with new opportunities.

At 12, your children are supposed to be building your trust. This way, when they turn 16, you will feel comfortable letting them drive to a friend’s house or take your car out for a spin. Trust is crucial to discipline, and allowing them to make decisions based on their own internal gauge is huge. Let them make mistakes so they can learn from them.

Sure, you may know what’s lurking around the bend—but they don’t. Firm, decisive, and effective discipline will teach them how to see the consequences of their choices in life. This is what makes good adults. Disciplining at 12 is a lot about watching them fall, even though you know you could help them avoid it, and helping them learn how to pick themselves up off the ground and keep going—doing better each and every time.