There is nothing more embarrassing than when your child misbehaves in public. Before having kids, I remember viewing such children as awful, spoiled brats. Now that I have three daughters of my own— all of whom have acted like awful, spoiled brats in front of perfect strangers—I tend to notice the unruly kids less and focus more on their parents and how they react to their child’s shenanigans.
My husband doesn’t like going out to eat with our kids, all of whom are under the age of seven. Things usually start out okay, but inevitably, our children grow restless, noisy, and miserable. I try to make the best of it, but my husband isn’t quite as optimistic. It’s only a matter of time before he looks over at me and says he only ever wants to eat at home from now on. I generally respond by rolling my eyes and calling him a killjoy. True, our children are running around the table throwing pizza at each other, but I just happen to be the more laid-back parent.
The Importance of Consistent Discipline
All joking aside, I do believe it’s important to discipline children outside of the home. If you don’t, you’ll send them mixed messages, and they’ll think it’s acceptable to act like crazy monkeys at the supermarket. But how to discipline them when they’re out of their element is the tricky part. Everyone knows how crucial consistency is when effectively disciplining children, so it’s important not to make exceptions just because you’re out and about.
If you want to make your life easier, tell your kids what kind of behavior you expect before you leave the house. Don’t be so detailed that you overload their little minds, but also avoid being so vague that they don’t understand what consequences they’ll face if they misbehave. Non-edible rewards are an option if you’re going on a long trip or to a place that requires extra self-control from your children.
How the kids behave on the way to your destination can sometimes be a good indicator of how they’ll act once you arrive. If they’re already out of control, give them a warning and one more chance to turn their behavior around. If they don’t comply, it’s time for discipline. Follow through with what you discussed earlier so they know you mean business the next time you go somewhere. Once you arrive, remind them frequently that you expect acceptable behavior and that they’ll be punished accordingly for misbehaving. Be sure to offer plenty of praise for good behavior as well. Children respond beautifully to praise, and it acts as an incentive to please their parents even more.
I like to use the ‘gold star’ system of praise for my kids. It’s nothing new; I just made it my own loose, unstructured version. No, I don’t have crisp, white calendars with my children’s names on them, where I place actual gold star-shaped stickers. I simply tell my kids they’ve received a “gold star” if they behaved appropriately during an outing. Of course, my two-year-old always asks where the “gold star” is, and I cleverly reply, “It’s in your head… close your eyes and imagine it.” My six-year-old understands the abstract concept of an imaginary gold star and, despite being much older than my younger two daughters, still strives to earn that approval from me.
I used to “give out” imaginary stars of varying colors that were worth more or less than others. Inspired by the Olympics, I gave the coveted gold star for outstanding behavior, the satisfactory silver star for good behavior, and the somewhat disappointing bronze star for okay behavior. Sometimes, when the kids were acting really rotten in public, they’d receive the dreaded black star. Since my kids don’t have a firm grasp on why a silver star would be worth more than a sparkly bronze one, I scrapped the system but kept the gold stars. I still whip out the black star when I’m really annoyed, though. They never like to get those.
Another time it’s essential to maintain consistent discipline is when visiting the in-laws or other family members. You know they’re judging you anyway, so you may as well appear like you have some idea of what you’re doing. I always feel like my in-laws think I’m either too harsh in my discipline or too laid-back, which makes their grandkids spoiled. Of course, I never feel like I can please them, and I sense they think they did things so much better raising my husband than I could ever do with my own kids. In the end, I try not to let their opinions influence my disciplinary style too much and go about my business as usual when redirecting my kids’ behavior or doling out consequences.
If you feel like you’ve tried everything to get your children to behave outside of the home and nothing has worked, consider hiring a babysitter or finding a willing family member who can mind the kids while you go on an outing. Remember, when kids are very young, it’s difficult to expect them to behave in public the way you would prefer, simply because they’re too immature to control themselves. Sometimes, everyone benefits from having a third party step in to help while you run errands or enjoy a peaceful meal.
If you’re never comfortable with your own style of discipline, inside or outside of the home, there are hundreds of books you could read for some insight. Your child’s pediatrician is another invaluable source of information and can tailor advice specifically to your child’s disposition. For moral support, you can turn to local mom groups or online message boards to seek out others who can empathize with your particular conundrum.
Discipline is a form of love. Deprive your child of it now, and they will later resent you for it. Be consistent with your discipline, and though you might think your kids dislike you for setting boundaries and teaching them how to act, they will ultimately appreciate you for caring so much about them. Someday, they might even give you a gold star!
