Disciplining Twins: A Unique Approach
Twins mean doing everything twice, but one of the bonuses of having twins is the ability to save time by combining discipline techniques and discussions into one family conversation. Twins are always keenly aware of what their sibling is doing, especially when it involves misbehavior. They witness the timeouts, missed desserts, or early bedtimes their sibling endures, making them acutely aware of the consequences of actions. One advantage of twins is that you’re dealing with two children of the same age and similar understanding, who should generally be subject to the same discipline. This eliminates the “not fair” complaints older children might voice and removes the excuse of not knowing better. Disciplining twins is, in many ways, no more challenging than disciplining any other children!
However, some pitfalls of raising twins are similar to those of raising multiple children. No two twins are identical, no matter how alike they appear. Each twin is born with a unique mindset, reacting to and learning from discipline in their own way. As such, discipline may need to be tailored to each child. For example, one twin might be unbothered by sitting in a corner, while the other finds it unbearable. Effective discipline involves identifying each child’s “currency”—whether it’s a favorite toy, an hour outside, or a later bedtime—and using it strategically. Where many parents go wrong is disciplining twins identically just because they’re the same age. When this approach fails, it can lead to comparisons, such as “Your sister listened, why can’t you?” which fosters resentment and jealousy in the twin dynamic.
Navigating Twin Dynamics in Discipline
Schools and structured environments often enforce uniform discipline policies, where every child faces the same consequences for the same actions. While some children adapt well, others repeatedly find themselves in trouble. If your child, twin or not, falls into the latter group, it may indicate that the school isn’t tailoring discipline to their personality. This issue is particularly common with twins. Another factor in twin discipline is the subtle frustration twins often feel. They are constantly competing, consciously or not, which can lead to poor behavior. If one twin seems more rambunctious or misbehaved, it may stem from underlying irritation or frustration. Many parents mistakenly assume their twins are always best friends who adore each other constantly—a significant misconception!
One unique challenge in disciplining twins is their remarkable empathy for each other. When one twin is disciplined, even for something as serious as hitting their sibling, the other often feels sympathy. You might place one twin in a corner only to find the other sitting beside them. If one is sent to their room, the other may want to follow. This can make discipline frustrating—after all, how effective is a consequence when a twin has a willing playmate to soften the blow? Twins may also feel guilty if they sense their parents are upset with their sibling, worrying that their parent’s affection for them might waver. Psychologists call this “mirroring,” where young twins see themselves as a unit and view their sibling as a reflection of themselves. For this reason, it’s crucial to reassure the twin who isn’t in trouble, explaining your actions calmly to maintain their sense of security.
Consistency is key, whether disciplining twins, a teenager, a toddler, or even a puppy. Discipline should focus on learning, not causing anxiety, pain, or confusion. It must be clear and tied to a life lesson. For example, a one-year-old may not grasp why hitting is wrong unless it’s explained simply. Discipline should also be predictable—children should know what to expect from their parents, and it shouldn’t depend on a parent’s mood. This is especially important for older children. When parents demonstrate that choices have consequences and model consistent behavior, children feel safer being honest. Fear of unpredictable parental reactions can lead children to start lying or hiding the truth, signaling a lack of trust in their parents. This is a critical consideration for every parent, whether raising twins or teens.
