From the title, it’s obvious that this is a touchy subject. You may have been inclined to quickly click away or skip ahead without reading a word. Statistics indicate that more couples argue, fuss, disagree, and divorce over money than they do over anything else. In fact, money woes and differences in spending habits are less forgivable offenses for many than a steamy affair.
One of the main issues is that couples often don’t know how to discuss spending habits with each other. The roots of this problem can run deep into the relationship dynamics and usually stem from simple defiance and the need for autonomy. In households where only one adult works, while the other stays home to raise children, discussing spending can become an even more contentious issue. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
Improving Communication About Money
First, understand that couples enter a marriage with different ideas about spending. Rarely are both partners equally involved in creating the household budget. Initially, especially if both partners are working, there’s often no problem. Many couples with equal salaries just divide expenses evenly while keeping their own accounts to manage personal spending. No adult wants to discuss or seek approval for spending their hard-earned money on something their partner deems unnecessary. However, as the relationship progresses and the bills start to accumulate, couples are forced to come together on family finances. Without this cooperation, the left hand won’t know what the right hand is doing, which can lead to significant financial problems.
You need to understand why you feel uncomfortable discussing spending habits with your partner. Do you feel like they are always criticizing you? Do you think they feel their spending is more justified than yours? This is often the case when one person handles the bills and does all the household shopping. The other partner may wonder where all the money is going, while the one paying for everything feels hostile because it’s all going toward the family. These discussions can make the person managing the household feel as though they’re being reprimanded for spending too much on groceries, clothes for the kids, or other important items. Once tempers flare and pride gets in the way, the conversation ends before it even starts. It’s not uncommon for one partner to throw the debit card or checks to the other, exclaiming, “You do it!” But this doesn’t solve anything.
Another scenario might involve one partner making large purchases, like furniture, without consulting the other. Once again, the two of you should be on the same page when it comes to big financial decisions, and large purchases should always be discussed.
The easiest way to ease into money discussions is to be as honest as possible. Don’t worry—you aren’t the only couple hiding the checkbook from one another or using a credit card in secret, paying it off bit by bit in hopes that it won’t be noticed. While, as adults, you should be able to make independent decisions with your money, many couples have no clear idea of what they can or cannot afford. It’s easier to discuss spending habits and financial issues before money is spent rather than after the fact. Getting a second opinion is always helpful, and sometimes your spouse’s perspective on whether you need a new washing machine or not might help you think of something you hadn’t considered. Two heads are always better than one.
The simplest solution to this issue is to have a joint account where all household bills are paid from. This account should cover necessities like electricity, water, groceries, etc. Make sure that both partners have internet access and complete knowledge of this account. If both partners work, then equal amounts of money should be deposited into the account. You should also decide if “pre-marriage” debts should be shared. For instance, if one person has a student loan they are still paying off.
Next, you should set up a joint savings account where both partners (if working) contribute a set amount of money on a regular basis. If only one person works, the amount saved—whether it’s $35 or $250 per month—should be agreed upon based on overall monthly debts. Then, each of you should have a “mad money” account. You can decide how much or how little to put in this account to keep the household running. This way, each partner has an outlet for spending that doesn’t need to be discussed. This solves the issue of being questioned about buying $100 heels or purchasing a $100 golf club.
Couples don’t have to agree on spending habits. However, it’s important that both partners feel they have the autonomy to spend as they wish. It’s not fair for one person to have an “allowance” while the other spends freely. Similarly, it’s not fair for one person to be responsible for all the accounts payable while the other remains clueless about what is owed. However, it’s crucial for partners to discuss spending habits that affect the family budget and household expenses. These discussions should be 90% compromise and 10% respect. Setting financial goals together and realizing that money doesn’t have to be a hot-button issue is a stepping stone toward overcoming the stress involved in talking about money with your spouse.
Discussing spending habits isn’t about being right or wrong. It’s not about “I win, you lose.” It’s simply about working together for the common good of the family and the relationship. There will always be purchases that one partner won’t understand or feel are justified. This is why ensuring that both of you have “mad money” and are on the same page with the family budget is the easiest way to discuss money, spending, savings, and ensure the mighty dollar doesn’t become grounds for divorce.
