Our niece came home one day from school, agitated. Almost in tears, she ran to her mother and said, “Mom, you’ve got to promise me—promise me right now—that you and Dad will never divorce. Promise me, okay?” Naturally, our sister, her mother, was perplexed, totally taken aback. She learned later that two of her daughter’s classmates had been absent from school because their parents were divorcing.
Divorce is never a pleasant affair, no matter how amicably it’s settled out of court, no matter how smoothly the decision was arrived at, or how both partners have shown a commendable degree of emotional intelligence by fully cooperating on arrangements for the children. It shatters family life, even if no insults were hurled or plates and glasses tossed in anger. Even if the spouses remain the best of friends, divorce is still a difficult pill to swallow. Children don’t have to witness any of their parents’ fighting and bickering to be frightened. To them, divorce—even the friendliest one—is like a horror movie.
Divorce and Children: The Impact
Divorce is hardest on children. The effects may not show overnight, but the long-term damage is visible. It is probably the most traumatic event that children will ever go through. According to sociologists, when parents go through a divorce, a child’s first preoccupation is his or her sense of security, not the parents’ happiness.
Christina McGhee, a divorce counselor, says that more than one in four children in England will experience the divorce of their parents before they are 16 years old. In her counseling sessions, McGhee states that divorcing parents are first concerned about their children’s well-being. However, given their emotional confusion and vulnerability, they may not necessarily know the best ways to alleviate their child’s tension or be aware of resources available to them. This is why it is necessary for the sake of the children to have an independent third party guide them. Each spouse comes to the negotiation table with their own emotional baggage, and a third party will know how to direct negotiations more objectively.
In the United States, Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson Institute commissioned a study on the effects of divorce on children. The study, conducted by Patricia Shiona and Linda Quinn, uncovered some interesting figures:
- Since the 1970s, there has been a dramatic increase in the number of children living with single or divorced mothers.
- 7.3% (4.7 million) of children live with an unmarried parent, 9.1% (5.9 million) live with a divorced parent, and 7.4% (4.8 million) live with a separated or widowed parent.
Moreover:
- In each year since the 1970s, more than one million children were affected by divorce.
The study also revealed that the financial circumstances of the children and their psychological adjustment were dependent on the type of living arrangement they acquire. The study concluded that parents who had custody and remarried were likely to improve their financial situation, although their child’s psychological adjustment became slightly worse. If parents divorce more than once, the child’s adjustment is seriously compromised.
As Christina McGhee explains, it is not the divorce itself that can emotionally batter a child. “Divorce does not doom children to years of emotional problems or lifelong dysfunction. Exposure to constant parental conflict and unhealthy family situations, however, can significantly impact children’s lives in a negative way.”
The Children Are the Biggest Losers
In their document How Children Experience Divorce (2004), Purdue University stated that when parents divorce, children may be deprived of some of their basic needs:
- When one parent moves out, children engage in fewer activities.
- The family will have fewer financial resources to provide children with necessities.
- The parent who has custody of the child may have less energy to help out with homework, school activities, and outings with peers.
- Transportation may be difficult to arrange.
- Children may have less contact with one set of grandparents.
When a divorce occurs, children are subjected to changes that can disrupt their lives and relationships with friends. The more changes they experience, the more stress they have to deal with.
Because of the emotional suffering involved, parents must be prepared to face the possibility of their children needing professional help or counseling support.
It is important to note that recently divorced parents are themselves grappling with feelings of guilt, fear, and desperation. As adults, they may not immediately think of getting professional help because they are distracted by the emotional toll of the divorce. They may not notice that the children are suffering more than they are. Parents should look out for these signs that indicate their child may need counseling:
- Clinging to the past: A child whose parents have just divorced may talk about the “once happy life” they had when things were more normal at home. The child might recall places they used to visit and activities they did with the family. Some children will eventually adjust and start living in the present, but for those who feel the effects of the divorce more deeply, they may continue to dwell on the past.
- Withdrawal: A child may withdraw from friends, stop going out with peers, and develop introverted tendencies. They may become sullen, serious, and lose interest in activities they once enjoyed. They would rather be left alone.
- Mood swings: A child’s temper tantrums may become frequent. They may exhibit physical aggression or be verbally abusive.
- Loss of concentration: A child’s performance in school could decline after a divorce. There is less motivation to excel, do homework, and complete school projects.
- Persistent sadness: The child may not verbalize their sadness, but their actions will reflect it. There may be prolonged periods of crying or the child may withdraw from interaction. Efforts to distract them may prove futile.
Fortunately for us, our parents never divorced. We like to think that theirs was a solid marriage, but it certainly wasn’t ideal. We remember living in fear every time we heard our parents arguing. When they fought, we were unsettled for days. At school, we were afraid that one day we’d come home and find one parent gone because of the argument the night before. Every time our parents argued—though it wasn’t often—it consumed us and made us worry endlessly.
We can’t even imagine what we would be like today, or where we would be, if they had decided to divorce.
