Divorce Does Not Mean You Are a Failure

It takes two to tango. So, why do so many people put off filing for divorce or get up from the table of marital counseling, deciding that enough is enough? Why are so many people afraid to be honest about not loving their spouse anymore or about being unhappy in a relationship? Isn’t doing so often about standing up for yourself and taking control of your happiness? Many people hold onto the fear that divorce marks them as a failure in life, or they start referring to their marriages as “failed,” when in truth, divorce does not mean you are a failure.

Divorce Statistics

According to statistics, around half of all people who have been married for over five years are in an unhappy marriage. Many of these people stay for a host of reasons. Additionally, according to further statistics, around half of all marriages end in divorce. Because divorce is so common, it is easy to see that it is not a personal failure or even a personality flaw. It is something that happens between two people over time. In fact, there are plenty of good reasons to get a divorce, and the pursuit of your personal happiness is one of those reasons. Many people find that letting go of an unhappy relationship is a normal part of a transitionary phase in life.
If you are thinking about or facing a divorce, it is especially important to view it as a time of change—a beginning rather than an end. Just because two people get divorced doesn’t mean that everything they shared together, including the happy times, was all for nothing. According to specialists, one extremely positive way to view divorce is to see it as an opportunity for change and growth. They also agree that remembering the good times, while not romanticizing them, is an extremely useful way to get through the wide range of emotions you may feel.

Another important aspect of realizing that divorce is not a failure is to avoid getting stuck in a rut of placing blame. What often makes divorce so painful is that people partake in the blame game, wanting to point the metaphorical finger at their partner. If they can somehow pin the failure on them, they can feel as though they are not the ones who failed. This is one reason why so many couples who have little to save, who no longer love each other, spend endless hours in counseling. They want the comforting feeling that they tried their best and to be able to feel confident that they are not a failure because of the split.

Consider this for a moment: If you had been working for a company for a long period of time and things weren’t working out well for you, would you consider quitting? In other aspects of your life, when you are faced with unhappy feelings, do you simply accept them as part of your fate? If your child, sibling, or someone else you loved had to make a choice between their own happiness and staying in an unhappy marriage, what would you advise them to do? At some point, it is only natural and fair to let go of preconceived notions, stop worrying about what others think, and take control of your life. Realize that, while disappointing in many respects, divorce is certainly not a personal failure.

Marriage is a tough commitment. Very few people today make it through. One of the reasons many people in past decades endured unhappy marriages and remained committed to their vows is because societal perceptions of divorce were so negative. Today, nobody necessarily enters a marriage with the assumption that if things don’t work out, they can simply file for divorce. But should that happen, it isn’t seen as a damning situation for the people involved. In fact, in the aftermath of divorce, many people are able to realize their dreams, become better parents, find healthier and happier relationships, and put an end to a cycle of unhappiness that has been plaguing them. For many people bound by marriage without love or respect, divorce offers freedom. It can also help make two people, who were not compatible as lovers, learn how to evolve as friends and rediscover things they mutually enjoy about one another.

Remember, it takes two to tango. A relationship that doesn’t work out is the stuff that love songs have been made of for decades upon decades. You simply fell out of love. You simply realized that the two of you are no longer compatible. You made the decision that prioritizing your own happiness was more important than conforming to a silent societal rule of what is considered acceptable. You decided to be honest with yourself—and your partner (or vice versa)—and make your life worth living.

Divorce is not a personal failure in any way. Sure, there are lessons to be learned and insights to gain. You have the choice to either take away the lessons to use later in life or not. However, if you are struggling with the fact that you think you have failed simply because your marriage didn’t work out the way you imagined, you are selling yourself—and your life—short.