According to statistics, many people avoid getting divorced when they have kids. They fear that the separation will be messy and cause so many problems for their children that they endure the marriage until the kids are old enough to not be involved. In some ways, these couples may be onto something. Divorce does affect children more directly than it does the adults involved. While you may feel relieved to get away from your significant other, your children will likely not share your feelings. However, staying in an unhappy marriage may not be the best solution either. Divorce with children can be done properly, with their best interests in mind, as long as both partners are willing to act like adults, setting aside personal feelings for the sake of the children.
Splitting Up After Having Children
So, do you stay or go? There are a lot of factors to consider when couples are facing problems. For one, once you have children, divorcing isn’t as simple as moving one person out of the house. There are also financial ramifications to consider, along with the potential impact on friends and family that you may not have anticipated. The far-reaching effects of divorce are often not immediately felt and can last for years—or even for the rest of your life. However, staying together for the children’s sake may not be the best idea either. Here’s why:
For one, you’re miserable. If you think your children don’t realize it, you’re mistaken. Kids are incredibly perceptive and can sense unhappiness, even if it’s not explicitly expressed. There’s a good chance that your marital stress is affecting them as well. It is important for children to grow up in a household where they see healthy, happy relationships, so they know what to look for when it’s their turn to choose a life partner. Staying together “for the kids” is often just a cop-out. If you would be a happier person after a divorce and can make decisions based on what’s best for your children, the divorce could actually relieve a huge burden from their shoulders. Plus, it’s important for your kids to see you happy—genuinely happy—not just pretending to be happy for appearances’ sake. Kids can see through forced smiles. A genuinely happy you will make you a better parent.
Another downside to staying together for the kids is that it robs you of your own life. Both you and your partner deserve to be truly happy, and if separation can lead to that happiness, it may very well be the best option.
So, how can you ensure that divorcing with kids in the house is done in a way that supports their emotional needs? The first step is to show your kids that you and your partner, despite irreconcilable differences, are still able to maintain control and communication. Talk to your children together as a family and explain what’s happening. This way, they’ll see that the two of you are united in your decision. Children will naturally want to blame someone or something for the divorce, but if they see you both agreeing on the matter, it will be easier for them to accept. You should also give your kids space to express their anger and concerns. This is, after all, their business too.
Next, reassure your kids that their desires and wishes will be taken into account. Make it clear right away that just because you are divorcing doesn’t mean they are. Yes, there will be custody issues, but these don’t have to be as dramatic as what we see on TV. As long as you and your spouse are willing to separate your personal feelings from how you raise your children, things will go more smoothly in the long run. Make sure to communicate this from the start. This isn’t to say that the kids should have full control over what happens next, but since your decisions will directly affect their lives, they should be allowed to voice their feelings and concerns.
Another way to make the divorce process easier for everyone is to avoid discussing the divorce in front of the kids. This means you shouldn’t talk about the details of the divorce or air grievances when your children are within earshot. You also shouldn’t badmouth your ex in front of them. Sure, you’re upset, perhaps even resentful, but these feelings have nothing to do with your children. Hearing parents speak negatively about one another will make children feel anxious and conflicted. It also puts them in an unfair position, making them feel like they have to choose sides.
No matter what, divorcing with kids is hard. There are so many things to consider. It’s probably best for you and your partner to discuss the details in private, perhaps with the help of mediation, before you confront the children with the reality of your situation. This will give you time to defuse your emotions and prepare for their questions and feelings. Once you announce the divorce and begin the process, it’s time for both you and your children to start healing and rebuilding. Sometimes, your kids will need you, and you may not feel “up to it.” Remember that they are children, and their needs come first. Other times, it may be you who needs support. Remember, divorce brings with it a lot of change, but as long as you keep your family’s well-being at the forefront of the process, your kids will get through it just fine.