Every year at the annual Thanksgiving family get-together, Uncle Bob and Aunt Charlene end up drunk and entertaining the entire family with a Jerry Springer-style argument in the front yard. Your dad sits in his chair, watching the football game, grimacing and groaning about how poorly the Broncos are doing, without getting up to give your mom a hand. Your brother shows up with his token ‘stripper’ girlfriend, whose boobs are hanging in the gravy plate, while HE talks incessantly about how rich, awesome, and super his life is. Meanwhile, your sister’s kids are complete idiots, running around like heathens, breaking things, and you swear—by the way your nephew is scratching his head—that he has a pretty amazing case of lice. And worst of all… THIS. IS. YOUR. FAMILY!
Situations like this often pose the question: do we have to like family? After all, these aren’t people that you chose to be in your life. You were born into this; it was an accident—a strange twist of fate that makes you question everything right and valid in the world today. Is it really necessary to like them?
For most of us, family offers strange insight into the dimensions of human character and behavior. We grow up with the people that we call family and rarely think twice about their behaviors until we are old enough to know better or choose better for ourselves. Even so, the family unit—no matter how dysfunctional—plays an immense role in shaping who we are and who we become. Family shapes our morality and all of our decisions in life, in one form or another. Some people may want to be like their family, while others strive to be the exact opposite. Either way, the people you call family have something to teach you, and you have something to learn from them.
Do We Really Have to Like Our Family?
Sometimes, family members that you love and care for do things in life that make your head spin or that you disagree with so strongly that it is difficult to stay true to yourself and actually ‘like’ them. Often, family is the root of our turmoil, the beginning of our own madness, and the catch-all for blame for everything that goes wrong in life. Once you become an adult and are able to move on and away from your family, you are no longer forced to deal with these people. While it may be difficult to completely wash your hands of your family forever and simply walk away, the truth is some people have to try hard to do just that in order to save themselves. Remember, these folks shaped your thinking and are likely deeply ingrained inside your head and emotional wellbeing.
If your family is not quite as radical as the one mentioned above, but is just very different from you (yet otherwise good), then not liking your family is probably more about yourself than about your kinfolk. Maybe you are fearful that you will end up like them one day, or maybe you are ashamed of them. Many people see family as something to be embarrassed about. Maybe your parents are poor, or your sister has issues with alcoholism. In cases like this, you might think about being less judgmental and just enjoying your extended family as they are. This doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends or live across from one another—but you should try to extract the good from your time together. In other words, rather than staying warped in the darkness of who they are, try to find the light. Eventually, there will come a time when you don’t have them around—and chances are, no matter how angry they make you, you will miss them.
Family squabbles and arguments, unlike those we have with people we choose to have in our lives, often end up being long-term feuds fraught with anger and despair. While staying away, staying mad, and maintaining grievances may feel like the right thing to do, there is rarely a person who can live this way successfully and still be happy. One thing that each of us has to learn—often first from family—is that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiving your family and trying not to engage in their behavior or constantly questioning who they are is the easiest high road to take.
Perhaps the toughest lesson in life to learn is that we cannot change other people. We cannot change people that we love. We cannot control the behaviors and actions of others. As much as we might like to at times, making changes is one thing that every person has to do for themselves. This is true with your family members as well. Staying mad or resentful toward them—missing the annual Thanksgiving chaos, or otherwise writing them off completely—only hurts you the most. And since there are no laws about actually liking your family, you need not feel ashamed or guilty for harboring the feelings you do toward them. Chances are, on some level, despite their madness, you still LOVE them!
