Do You Want a Divorce – Be Careful What You Ask For!

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For many couples, the decision to go through with a divorce is made years—even decades—after all the signs have reared their ugly head. The signs have been there all along, and the couple begins co-existing as separate entities. The problem is that the five life-changing words, “Do you want a divorce?” never seem to escape from either partner’s lips.

Today, more than half of all marriages end in divorce. In every single one of these marriages, one brave soul had to bring up the question first. The hard part is that, in most divorces, even if both people are unhappy, the ultimate decision is made by one person. Being the one to bring up the topic of divorce puts you in a very vulnerable and disadvantaged position, often making you the ultimate “bad guy!

One of the reasons it’s so difficult to ask the question in the first place is that you don’t really know how your spouse will react. The fear of the unknown can be debilitating, so much so that many people would rather remain in stagnant marriages than breach the subject.

When you finally ask the question, chances are your spouse will experience a whirlwind of emotions. They might feel relieved, angry, or even sad. Their immediate reaction will likely include spontaneous conversation that may stem from their raw emotions. Not knowing exactly what to expect can be tricky. And worse, what if you ask the question based on the signs you believe show the marriage is over, only to find that your spouse agrees wholeheartedly and goes down without even a fight? This response, too, can be heartbreaking. After so many years of marriage, you want to believe things are fixable—that maybe the idea of divorce will be so traumatic for your spouse that they’ll finally listen and help rectify the situation.

On the other hand, if they are angry, defiant, or resentful, then the relationship you have with this person changes dramatically in an instant. In fact, it will be the very first time your partner sees you as an individual, apart from the marriage. And this can be very painful.

There is also the issue that perhaps you don’t really want a divorce. Instead of speaking from your heart, you might be speaking based on what you think your partner wants. After all, the marriage has been completely dysfunctional for years, and they certainly don’t treat you with the respect you deserve. But what if you’re wrong? What if, once you say the words, you can’t take them back, and your partner is so hurt by the statement, “Do you want a divorce?” that the damage is beyond repair?

Things to Consider Before Asking for a Divorce

Obviously, there are many things to consider. The truth is that most couples who end up getting a divorce knew that’s where they were headed years earlier. But because of convenience, hope, or even a sense of ease, the subject was never properly or honestly addressed. The thought of not knowing what a divorced future holds is often, at the very least, more secure than a marriage that isn’t working. Once the cat is out of the bag, it’s hard to get back in.

On the flip side, there are plenty of couples who get into fights and disagreements, constantly threatening divorce or issuing ultimatums during arguments. This is not the same as asking for a divorce for real. The burden is on you to make sure your partner understands that this time, it’s for real. This is why it is not the best idea to bring up divorce in the midst of an argument or fight. Instead, find a calm moment and use it as a way to introduce the subject.

When you are finally ready to know for sure whether your partner wants a divorce, there are definitely some things you should have thought out beforehand. If you have children, they should be your first consideration. Yes, things will be different, but by making a plan and thinking about ways to best suit their needs, you can ease the process of divorce. You should also think about living arrangements. If you are going to ask for a divorce, make sure you’ve done some research on housing costs in your area and how you and your partner will afford them. Consider your job, and decide if it will be enough to sustain you through a divorce or if you need to look for another one. If the latter is true, it might be wise to start searching now. Having some things thought out, finding resources, and checking out your options will definitely help the divorce process begin without excess conflict.

You should also be prepared for the fact that talking about divorce will make the situation very real for you. Even if it’s exactly what you want, it will likely still be difficult. You may find yourself surrounded by nostalgic emotions and sadness. These feelings can cause you to second-guess your decision to bring up this conversation and may even make you react in ways you don’t expect. Resist these feelings, knowing that they are only temporary, and hold firm to taking control of your happiness and your future.

Remember, you aren’t alone. There are millions of divorced couples out there. Even before you talk, you might want to consider visiting a support group for people going through divorce to gain an instant support system.

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