It is with naivety that many couples embark on the road of parenthood, believing that the pitter-patter of little feet will certainly improve their marriage. Many couples, on the brink of divorce or who have hit bumps on the road to marital bliss, choose to have children with the hope that the bond of parenthood will strengthen their relationship. Often, hindsight is 20/20.
According to some concerning statistics, the addition of just one child to a marriage increases the odds of divorce by 37%. More children obviously increase those odds even further. The reasons for this are plentiful, ranging from financial pressures to differences in deeply rooted gender roles. On the flip side, couples who have children together are more reluctant to ask for a divorce than those who only share monetary assets. So while children may keep couples together longer, these couples may not be significantly happier. In the long run, it is wise to wonder whether having children truly improves or hurts a marriage.
The Benefits of Having Children in a Marriage
One benefit of having children in a marriage is the profound connection and bond that two people can develop through conception, pregnancy, and childbirth. Witnessing the miracle of life together can make many previous issues in the relationship seem insignificant. For many couples, having a baby together is a monumental milestone—not just in their relationship, but in life itself. Accomplishing this goal together can genuinely increase love for one another. It is true that husbands and wives who have children create a lifelong connection that cannot be easily broken. Of course, if divorce occurs, this bond can make the separation more difficult.
As you see your partner become a parent, many people gain a new appreciation for their mate. Suddenly, the little things they do don’t seem to overshadow the beauty of their love when they care for a child together. Most people change drastically after having children, and many of these changes make them more mature, responsible, and loving than ever before. To witness and be part of this transformation allows you to see each other in a completely new light. For many, having children reignites the passion that may have waned shortly after marriage.
Another clear benefit is that most couples who have children become deeply committed to making their marriage work. Suddenly, the stakes are raised, and couples work harder to resolve problems, striving to create a happy and healthy environment for their children. It is much easier to walk away from a marriage without the responsibility of children than it is once you have them. The creation of a family encourages couples to invest more energy and effort into their relationship.
When it comes to the future, having children is one of the most productive ways couples can plan for the years ahead. They begin working together toward a common goal, fostering a clearer, connected vision for the next 5, 10, or even 20 years. This shared expectation creates positive momentum for the relationship and can act as the glue that holds couples together, even through tough times.
How Having Children Can Hurt a Marriage
Of course, with every good thing, such as the birth of children, come pitfalls. Many marriages, while full of love, respect, and commitment, are not prepared for the mountain of stress that often follows the arrival of children. Couples don’t always see eye to eye on how children should be raised, and they often don’t confront these differences until after the kids are born. As a result, couples who have never had a cross word with one another find themselves fighting frequently, which can be a challenging dynamic for the marriage.
Children are also extremely expensive, and the financial burdens of even one child can far exceed what most couples expect. The added stress of providing for another life can lead to communication breakdowns. Additionally, both parents face new and intense emotions and extremely high stress levels—especially during the first year. This can reveal new sides of one another that they may not particularly like or agree with.
The ideals of family can also place significant emotional pressure on relationships. The extended family becomes much more involved with the birth of a child, which can create additional stress for the couple. This occurs during a time when there often seems to be less time for one another, reduced intimacy, and heightened stress levels. Combined, these factors can create a recipe for disaster. Ironically, this all seems to happen at a time in life when couples had high hopes and expectations for happiness. The resulting disappointment can be difficult for couples to navigate.
Couples can also become divided by the demands of parenthood. Before, the relationship was simply about the two of you; now, there is another life to consider. Many married people begin to feel left out once a baby arrives, stealing away the time and attention that was once theirs alone. Over time, this can hurt the relationship—especially if communication between partners is not clear and consistent.
Ultimately, it is challenging to determine whether having children hurts or improves a marriage. One thing, however, is very clear: couples that have pre-existing problems, which seem irreconcilable, who conceive in the blind hope of making the marriage better are significantly increasing their odds of divorce—by as much as 80%. A report published in Psychology Today also showed that couples with children are generally happier, but this “happiness” depends on getting married and having children at the right time in life and within a relationship that was reasonably amicable before the arrival of children.
Truth be told, having children changes marriage and life significantly! Overall, children improve the quality of life for most people, but they can make marriages much harder. Even so, it is a gamble that most people are willing to take.
