Does My Spouse Have a Drinking Problem?

When does the occasional weekend drinking or wine with dinner turn into a drinking problem? For many married couples, this is a question they silently wrestle with for years. All the while, they watch their partner consume more and more alcohol, making mistakes they wouldn’t make if sober, and battling an internal struggle that’s often hard for others, especially family, to understand. Eventually, you have to ask yourself: Does my spouse have a drinking problem?

Chances are, if you have to ask or wonder, the answer is yes.

The problem is that so many of us come with pre-programmed judgments about drinking and alcoholism, which makes it difficult to assess whether our spouse is drinking too much. For example, if you grew up in a home that completely abstained from alcohol, you might feel that 2-3 beers a day or a week is too much. On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where alcohol wasn’t a taboo subject, you may overlook the case of beer your spouse consumes in a week. Since drinking is so embedded in many cultures and social circles, it can be easy to confuse routine drinking with problem drinking.

When the person involved is your spouse, the issue becomes even murkier. Most close relatives of alcoholics, or those dealing with a general drinking problem, don’t want to admit that there’s an issue. While they may feel anger and frustration toward the person drinking, there is often an underlying sense of shame and guilt among family members. They may feel, on some level, that they are responsible for the problem or their spouse’s unhappiness, which leads to the drinking.

In fact, according to Al-Anon, it’s the family members of alcoholics who often suffer the most. The behaviors and actions of the drinking spouse become a focal point for the non-drinking partner and their family. For example, if your spouse is drinking, you might try to cover it up in front of others, make excusesfor their actions , or even try to control their behavior. Of course, you can’t control it. And the blame, guilt, and shame that rightfully belong to the alcoholic often get misplaced onto you.

Additionally, people who drink excessively do not offer much stability to the family. There may be days when everything seems fine, but others when their behavior is erratic or unstable. Having a spouse who drinks too much can make you feel isolated in your marriage and ultimately responsible for everything. This can lead to feelings of resentment and pity toward your spouse.

Many spouses also become so accustomed to their alcoholic partners that they actually prefer them when they’re drinking, as they seem more relaxed, at ease, and easier to “deal with.” In many cases, this is a telltale sign that not only does your spouse have a drinking problem, but they may also be an alcoholic.

Surprisingly, it isn’t just the amount or frequency of drinking that signals a problem. Alcoholism, which usually accompanies a drinking problem, is both a physical and emotional disorder. The symptoms are fairly clear. Keep in mind that your spouse may not exhibit all of these symptoms at once. The signs include:

• The person suffers anxiety without alcohol.
• The person is unable to maintain responsibilities due to alcohol.
• The person continues to drink, even though they realize it is causing problems within the family.
• The person may want to quit drinking but is unable to do so (even when considering AA or other support groups).
• The person gives up other activities or relationships because of alcohol.
• The person cannot stop at just one drink and finds it hard to stop once they’ve started.
• The person has built up a tolerance to alcohol, meaning it takes more and more to feel drunk or buzzed.
• The spouse may become irritable when not drinking.
• The spouse may suffer from depression and anxiety, especially when not drinking.
• The spouse may be in denial or become defensive when confronted.
• Your spouse spends a lot of time “making room” for alcohol in their life, often choosing drinking over family activities.

Being in a marriage where you suspect your spouse has a drinking problem is incredibly difficult. Even though you may recognize that alcoholism is a medical condition, it often feels like a personal lifestyle choice for your partner. And, like quitting any bad habit, giving up alcohol is tough. If you don’t share the problem, it can be difficult, if not impossible, for you to fully understand.

That said, it is unhealthy for you and your children to remain the victims of your spouse’s drinking problem. Help is available. You can check with your local chapter of Al-Anon, or even speak with your doctor about joining a support group for family members of alcoholics. At some point, you must decide what you can live with and what you cannot. While you cannot change your spouse, you can make healthy changes for yourself.

Also, keep in mind that if your spouse does have a drinking problem, it doesn’t mean they are a bad person. While there’s often a great deal of shame surrounding alcoholism, it’s not a problem you have control over. Ultimately, your spouse is an adult and must make their own decisions. You must do what’s in your best interest and for the well-being of your family.