I’ll never forget the first time someone explained what the term “open marriage” meant. My face twisted up in complete and utter confusion. Being born into a half-Catholic household with Jewish grandparents, the concept of monogamy was drilled into my head at an early age.
However, I grew up, began forming my own opinions, and met people with views very different from my own. And I, like many, had been guilty of prejudicial thinking. But once I set aside judgment, I had to ask the question—does open marriage work?
An open marriage is a unique concept that works for some and not for others. I personally prefer a committed, monogamous relationship. However, I have friends who strive for a healthy but open marriage. Of course, there’s a great deal of controversy surrounding this kind of relationship.
One thing I never understood about open marriages was the existence of strict rules. It’s certainly not a free-for-all; the rules are clear and agreed upon—no exceptions. While the specifics may vary from couple to couple, the foundational guidelines are set from the beginning and honored by both partners. The core idea is that if you truly love someone, no one else can offer what your partner gives you. But how would you ever know that if you never “try on” someone else? The explanation I was given even involved a long-winded food analogy.
The Buffet Analogy and Beyond
Some people view life as a massive buffet. If you only ever choose one item, how do you know whether the rest of the options aren’t just as satisfying—or even better? If something is truly your favorite, it will remain so regardless of what else you sample.
While I can see the logic in this analogy, I can’t personally subscribe to it. Still, for those who do, many say they feel more alive and develop a deeper appreciation for their primary partner and relationship.
Granted, a higher number of open marriages end in divorce, but there are two sides to that argument. One could say that if more people were allowed occasional experiences outside the marriage, divorce rates might be even higher—because they’d realize there are other people who might better meet their emotional needs. On the flip side, others argue that those in open marriages may be less willing to work through hard times. Both are plausible arguments. Yet, enough successful open marriages exist to challenge the assumption that openness equals a lack of commitment.
Though open marriage isn’t widely accepted, advocates claim that jealousy is the biggest barrier—and that jealousy stems from insecurity. Others argue that emotional aspects remain sacred within open marriages, and that the openness only pertains to physical intimacy. In some cases, this includes same-sex encounters or multiple partners. Other times, it’s simply one-on-one experiences that reinvigorate a couple’s shared intimacy.
When it comes to lifestyles we may not understand—or even agree with—it’s important to recognize our lack of understanding rather than cast judgment. Life often walks many different paths, and that doesn’t make them wrong as long as everything involves consenting adults.
Just because a lifestyle doesn’t resonate with you doesn’t mean it’s not legitimate for someone else. I may still be uncertain whether open marriage truly works, but I know it’s not my place to determine the health or worth of someone else’s relationship—especially if no one is being harmed. These are difficult concepts for some, but crucial ones if we’re ever to live in a genuinely inclusive and respectful society.
