According to a study published by Hartley et al., parents of autistic children have a higher divorce rate than parents without autistic children. However, the study also found that 64% of autistic children live with both parents. It’s undeniable that raising a child with autism, or any health problem or disability, brings increased parental stress. Stress in a marriage, whether from financial issues or otherwise, is the number one factor in divorce. The truth is, all marital unions experience some level of stress from the various challenges life presents.
The Impact of an Autism Diagnosis on Marriage
One of the factors that may differentiate autism, or other health problems, from other stressors is that the diagnosis can lead to sudden and extreme changes within the entire family unit. An autism diagnosis is truly life-changing in many ways, and couples may find that their marriage is tested in ways they never imagined. For many couples, the first challenge is dealing with guilt and blame. Most parents dream of having healthy children, and the blow of any health affliction can severely impact their ego, leading some to search for someone or something to blame. If one partner blames the other, it can cause irreparable damage to the marriage.
In an independent study, around 50% of couples who divorced after an autism diagnosis admitted that the diagnosis added just enough stress to push the marriage past its breaking point. However, many of these couples also acknowledged that their marriage was already struggling prior to the diagnosis, and they did not consider autism to be the primary reason for their divorce. Studies like these suggest that marriages which were already weak may not survive the additional stress of an autism diagnosis. On the other hand, many couples have found strength and a renewed sense of purpose to work on their marriage and family after their child was diagnosed with autism.
Leading research has shown that for many parents, a diagnosis of autism can trigger a response in the adults similar to post-traumatic stress syndrome. Since the family dynamic changes so abruptly, the inability to accept or come to terms with the diagnosis can cause couples to emotionally withdraw from one another. While one parent strives to help the child and work toward understanding and therapy, the other may completely withdraw from the process.
The good news is that as more programs become available to help families manage children with autism, communities are being formed that act as strong support systems. These communities not only celebrate the children, but also enable couples to connect with others facing similar challenges. This fosters stronger marriages and helps couples move toward positive, solution-based approaches to managing their child’s health issues. In turn, this reduces the marital stress many couples feel.
Whether a couple is dealing with autism or a child diagnosed with cancer, the stressors on the marriage are immense. A child’s autism diagnosis does not necessarily determine whether a couple will file for divorce. A better indicator might be how well the couple works together to find help and solutions for their problems. One study from Harvard concluded that after an autism diagnosis, many couples actually end up in a better place than before. This is because the parents are able to gain closure and find answers to the concerns and questions that had been troubling them before the diagnosis.
Sadly, when Jenny McCarthy mentioned on Oprah that one of the main reasons for her divorce was the autism diagnosis of her son, she may have unintentionally caused more harm than good to autistic parents everywhere. Her claims stressed and frightened many parents with newly diagnosed children. In response, the National Autism Association launched a program to help reduce divorce rates within the autistic community. Their findings were encouraging, showing that many couples who focused on supporting their autistic child grew stronger and formed more cohesive marriages. They also debunked the claim that as many as 80% of married couples with an autistic child end up divorcing due to the diagnosis.
Ultimately, it boils down to this: Your marriage is what you make of it. Some couples proactively address stressors and work toward solid solutions, while others crumble under disappointment. Rather than blaming autism or any other stressor for a divorce, perhaps couples should examine personality flaws and a lack of problem-solving skills.
