Don’t Make Me Feel Guilty for Your Infidelity

Taking Responsibility: Don’t Let Infidelity Be Your Fault

If your spouse has cheated on you, chances are that, at some point, they will try to make YOU feel guilty for THEIR infidelity. Sadly, many people fall for this. They begin to believe that if they were willing to have more sex with their spouse, he or she wouldn’t have had an affair. They start accepting the lie that had they been a better, thinner, kinder, more thoughtful, richer, etc. spouse, the affair wouldn’t have happened, and that it was somehow their deficiency in the relationship that caused it.

And the partner who cheated will do their best to capitalize on your willingness to accept the blame for the infidelity.

The transfer of blame is a psychological behavior pattern that is extremely common in human behavior. Essentially, when someone does something they know is wrong, they must deal with their conscience. They understand that their behavior was morally corrupt, so to justify it, they begin placing the blame on others. This is why one of the first signs of an affair is a spouse who begins accusing their partner of having one. Subconsciously, by accusing their partner of having an affair, they are trying to generate the feelings that would make their own affair seem acceptable and justifiable.

Facing the Truth: Infidelity Is a Choice, Not Your Fault

When an affair is revealed, the betrayed partner often goes on an emotional rollercoaster, usually starting with anger and resentment. This often leads to feelings of not being good enough. Most of us—especially women—are quick to believe that it’s our inadequacies that cause partners to cheat on us. As soon as we feel that way, the cheating partner tries to reclaim a sense of moral superiority and jumps on the bandwagon. It’s a cowardly way to avoid accepting full responsibility for the infidelity.

The truth is, a marriage can be unhappy in many ways. That doesn’t mean it’s automatically a free pass to sleep with someone else or pursue another relationship. Adults should work through problems like adults—by talking about what’s going wrong and trying to fix it. If you haven’t had sex with your spouse in seven months, then you both should start addressing the issue by discussing it together, seeking counseling, or figuring out why the sex drive has vanished in the relationship. Clearly, something is wrong. Jumping into bed with someone else is not a viable solution, and there’s no excuse for it, regardless of what’s going on at home.

Marriage is about taking vows to another person. These vows must be upheld for the relationship to thrive. Love, honor, cherishing through sickness and health, and in bad times and good—these aren’t just pretty words on your wedding day. They are promises. They ensure that two people will forsake others and put their marriage first. Sleeping with another person while married, no matter the reason, is not a way of putting your marriage first.

If someone tries to blame you for their infidelity, it’s important to be crystal clear that YOU will not be the scapegoat. While you might admit that things at home weren’t perfect, it wasn’t you who forced your partner to have an affair. It wasn’t YOU who told the lies, betrayed your partner, or broke the vows between you.

Each person is responsible for their own actions. Life is about choices, and when push comes to shove, it was your partner (NOT YOU) who chose to be with someone else. You didn’t choose that for them. Nothing you did “pushed” them into that situation. If they were mature and honest, they would have talked to you about the problems or feelings they were having BEFORE simply breaking the trust and destroying the bond between you. If they respected you and had integrity, they would have worked to solve the problems at home before making them worse by cheating.

It’s crucial to remember that, while you may not be or have been the perfect spouse, infidelity is NOT your fault, and you should NEVER allow yourself to become your partner’s scapegoat. The reasons for having an affair are almost always selfish and rooted in ego, not in the pursuit of happiness in the marriage.

It’s also important to note that unless your partner can and will be forthcoming about what they did wrong and accept responsibility for their actions, the marriage will not be able to heal or move forward from the infidelity. For healing to begin after an affair, the person who cheated must admit that their choice to cheat was wrong. They must be willing to give up any justification for their actions and accept the consequences. Without this, every time something goes wrong between you two, you’ll be left wondering if they’ll cheat again. They may even feel that, anytime they’re unhappy, they can use it as an excuse to have an extramarital affair.

The only thing you truly have control over in your life is your actions and reactions to the world around you. While you may influence your partner’s behavior, you are NOT the reason behind their decision to have an affair.