Most of us hear these words regularly. Don’t settle. You’re worth it. Wait it out. Some of us hear the exact opposite. What are you waiting for? Do you think if you wait until you’re fifty something better will come along? Why are you such a perfectionist? The primary reason we choose things in this life, partners, careers, and even our pets, is because they offer us something we don’t think we can find on our own. People stuck in bad relationships often find themselves asking what’s the point? I can do this on my own with less hassle.
In most cases, settling means that we have resigned something, have given up on something, and are pretending that we are perfectly happy with things when we’re not. Which leads to feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, and of course, the dismal feeling like somewhere in our life we made such a tremendous error that it will take three bull dozers and a wrecking ball to fix it. Whether we are giving up on finding someone who literally sweeps us off our feet and makes us fall madly and wickedly in love with them or we have resigned to the fact that the person we are pining for isn’t headed in our direction, settling feels wrong. There can be a million and one logical and practical reasons for going ahead and just settling, but the reality in our gut tells us that it’s not right for us, for whatever reason.
Okay, I know you’re sneaking furtive glances around you, challenging my thought process here. So instead of marrying someone who loves me, you think, who offers good dental and medical and a fantastic 401k with a good personality, you think I should be waiting around forever for the married love of my life to come to their senses? No. I don’t think you should be waiting for a married or committed individual to come to their senses or fall into a nasty break up. However, if you’re pining for one person and decide to go ahead and settle for someone else, how happy are you really going to be? How fair is that to the person who really loves you? How fair is that to yourself? I truly believe that if you’re pining for someone who is unavailable that you have a lot of internal work to do in order to let them go, to find ways of dissolving the relationship that doesn’t exist. Because while they are happily married you are miserably waiting and that is not healthy.
Have You Settled
Settling often implies that there is something else you’d rather be doing, someone else you’d rather be with, and the number one reason for doing so is the lack of the belief that you are truly worth your preferences. People often don’t feel as though they deserve the best, deserve the winners, and so they settle for something marginal that they can live with. And they do. Because there’s never anyone to explain that we are all worth our dreams and aspirations. While we need to be responsible during the time that we are trying to create the life we want, we can’t just throw up our hands and settle because we don’t feel we are worth waiting for. We are.
Feelings of guilt are the number one stealer of dreams and aspirations, even when it comes to relationships. So many of us were brought up to feel guilty about wanting, guilty about things we forgot or things we neglected or things we simply chose not to do at the time that we are now fabulous guilt mongers. We can create guilt from an apple seed and we can make it grow into a full blown tree if we want to. If there’s something that you’re feeling guilty about (besides life and your existence) then make amends the best that you can and move on in your life. Long term guilt will only rob you of your actual potential.
Those that hear things from their family members (in particular the mother) that resemble don’t settle and wait it out, something better will come along usually have the least amount of long range guilt. Those who hear phrases that resemble what are you waiting for tend to have vast quantities of long range guilt built into their system. Some of us have perfected guilt and its subsequent self punishment into an art form, and we no longer even recognize guilt for what it is. When we are able to learn how to purge the guilt, we are often able to stop settling for everything in life, including partners.
Don’t settle. You are worth waiting for. Live in your desires and know your dreams and don’t be afraid to take steps to get you there. Even baby steps. Be kind to yourself and learn to forgive yourself for your imperfections and past mistakes. It’s okay to want more than what you have right now.