Have you ever watched an episode of reality shows like Toddlers and Tiaras or Supernanny? If so, you’ve probably sat back on your living room couch wondering how in the world the parents allow their children to talk to them in such disrespectful and disparaging ways.
The truth is, parents expect some disrespect from their children. We’ve all heard about those pesky teen years full of eye rolls, headshakes, and blasphemous accusations from our children about how unfair we are, and how awful we are at being parents. Yet, today, it seems that children are becoming more brazen and disrespectful at younger ages. Chances are, your 5-year-old shows you more disrespect than you ever did to your parents when you were 16! And sometimes, you might find yourself caught in the frustrating predicament of looking at your child and saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” Then, after punishment or timeouts, you sit there thinking, Did she really just say that? Out loud? Are you kidding me? She’s only 6!
And then your thoughts turn to wondering what you’ve done wrong and what you’ll be facing when your child gets older if they’re already talking to you like a thug.
How to Address Disrespectful Behavior in Children
First of all, don’t despair. Children today are exposed to language that is much more undesirable from television and radio than they ever were years ago. When you were a kid, you were likely watching Leave It to Beaver, while your child might be watching shows like SpongeBob or Fairy OddParents. According to Nickelodeon Network, the average age of kids watching shows like iCarly and Victorious is 8 years old. Many of these “children’s” shows are actually inappropriate and targeted at a teenage audience. The themes often portray drastic independence from parents, and many skits feature teens berating, making fun of, and being disrespectful toward adults, such as teachers and parents. While most of it is benign, when your young child watches these shows, they will inevitably start parroting the things they hear.
If your child has older siblings, they might develop “lip service” even earlier in life.
So, what should you do? Behavior experts agree that being firm and telling your child that they cannot talk to you in that manner is essential. The first time it happens, say sternly, “Don’t talk to me like that!” Since your child is young, you should help them understand that talking disrespectfully to adults—even you—is hurtful and rude. Try to show them that it made you feel unloved, and be extremely firm in the fact that your child WILL respect you. This sets a precedent for firm boundaries early in their life.
When it happens again—and it will—there must be a consequence. If your child is being demanding, barking out orders, acting entitled, being rude, or generally falling into the “little brat” category, you need to apply a consequence and explain why the behavior isn’t acceptable. The worst thing you can do is give in or make excuses for the behavior. Many parents might say things like, “She’s just so tired because she missed her nap,” or “She ate too much candy today,” or even “She has a lot going on in her life right now” as excuses for their child’s outburst. Big mistake.
Firstly, no other venue in your child’s life—and no other adult besides you—will make these excuses. Secondly, it removes your child’s ability to have self-control. You should be very clear-cut with your child about the behaviors that are and aren’t acceptable, especially while they are young. You can even make a chart to help them understand.
Your best defense, however, is to never allow the behavior to work for your child. Kids quickly figure out that even negative attention—gained by doing something they know they’re not supposed to do—is better than no attention at all. If you’ve noticed that your child has been especially mouthy or demanding lately, try to honestly assess whether they’re feeling left out or in need of attention. But make sure to avoid coddling or giving attention when they act in ways you don’t want. Instead, reward the behavior you do want. It’s simple psychology. It has to be more rewarding for your child to act respectfully than to act otherwise.
Often, with young children who seem mouthier than expected, they are simply repeating things they’ve heard without fully understanding what they mean. Take the time to explain what the words mean and how certain words or behaviors can make others feel. This helps your child become not only aware but also conscious and compassionate toward others, developing empathy.
Of course, you must realize that parenting is a patchwork quilt of unexpected moments where your child will shock you with certain actions or words. Setting limits while they’re young and keeping firm boundaries between acceptable and unacceptable behavior is extremely important. Remember to be consistent with your discipline, enforce consequences, and never reward behavior you don’t want to see again.
