Managing Emotions in Relationships
Relationships can be challenging for many reasons, but one major factor is our emotions. While they often complicate life, emotions are a natural part of communication and aren’t going anywhere. This leaves us with two choices: let emotions disrupt our relationships with loved ones or learn to manage them effectively.
Gregg Henriques, Ph.D., in his January 2017 article, Understanding Emotions and How to Process Them, describes emotions as responses to experiences that act as catalysts for how we react. In essence, our emotions trigger our responses.
It’s often debated whether women are inherently more emotional than men, but this question is largely irrelevant. The quantity of emotions isn’t the issue; the key is how we handle emotions when they arise in our interactions. Since we can’t control our genetic makeup, focusing on it as a root cause is unproductive.
The source of emotions is straightforward: all emotions stem from needs either being met or unmet. Positive emotions arise when needs are fulfilled, while negative emotions result from unmet needs.
It’s unnecessary to dwell on positive emotions—they’re enjoyable and welcomed. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Instead, let’s focus on negative emotions, which often create challenges in relationships.
Addressing Negative Emotions
Negative emotions, stemming from unmet needs, frequently arise in relationships. While we can’t prevent them, one simple strategy can significantly improve our interactions when they surface, whether in ourselves or others.
Consider a time when you felt upset. Instead of asking “Why?”, try asking, “What need of mine wasn’t met?” This shift in thinking takes practice but becomes natural with time. Once you see the positive results, it feels intuitive.
In relationships with partners, emotions often flare over small issues—clutter, laundry, annoying habits, or whose turn it is to do the dishes. More significant topics, like money, careers, raising children, or family, can also spark intense emotions. Too often, we respond to our partner’s emotions with more emotions, escalating into a battle of feelings without addressing the core issue.
Regardless of the issue’s importance, one question can quickly uncover the root of the emotions and pave the way for resolution: “What do you need?”
By asking, “What do you need?” before reacting emotionally, you can halt the emotional spiral. This question shifts the conversation to a constructive dialogue. Responses like, “I need more help with the responsibilities of our house,” “I need validation that we’re on the same page,” or “I just need to know if the dishwasher has been run?” provide a clear path to address the unmet need.
Focusing on the needs behind emotions in any relationship fosters more effective communication, reducing tension and increasing compassion.
Jill Sodini, Founder of Habitual Health By Jill, is a Certified Health Coach, author, and speaker. With over 20 years of experience in health and wellness, she provides realistic strategies for sustainable habit change. Contact Jill to take control of your life.
