With the rise in the trend of marriages becoming a “less-than-permanent” situation, it seems that the true victims are often children. Each year, thousands of children become products of divorce and are forced to learn a new way of life—one often filled with disconnect, turmoil, insecurity, and worry. Divorce is often one of those necessary evils; needed in order to save the emotional well-being of one or both parents, allowing their paths to happiness and personal growth to continue. However, there is ALWAYS a consequence.
The Impact of Divorce on Children
The effects of divorce on children vary greatly, largely depending on how well-equipped the parents are to navigate the transition of becoming a different kind of family. When parents handle the situation privately, protecting each other and the children from negative comments or disputes, and saving tumultuous feelings for friends or times when the children aren’t around, children can transition very well. On the other hand, when parents argue, fight, bicker, and wage war on each other, the life of a child is changed forever.
Children should never, NEVER, be forced to pick sides between their parents or be made to feel as though they love one parent more than the other. Chances are, no matter how difficult one parent may be, they are still loved by their child.
It is the right of every child to love their mom and dad with wild abandon—regardless of their faults (which they will realize in time)—and to do so to the fullest extent of their capability. Every child should have the chance and opportunity to see their parents individually as magical beings with superhero qualities that they can count on for the rest of their lives. Even if a mother realizes that a father’s drinking habit might eventually disappoint their child, it is NOT her job to save the child from pain that may or may not come to fruition over time. Unless a parent is dangerous or harmful, no one has any business interfering in the relationship a child has with their other parent. Taking away this magical part of childhood is mean, selfish, and incomprehensible. Perhaps the marriage was competitive, but the child is NEVER the prize!
There are many reports that quickly point out the detrimental effects of divorce on a child, and most of them are bleak. They recommend counseling and intervention, indicating that changes in behavior, grades, friends, and attitude are expected. But what if none of that had to happen? Could it be possible for parents to divorce and leave the children unscathed? Absolutely! If parents handle the divorce as something simply between them, making every effort to ensure the child sees that their life will continue as it did before, things can actually get better. This is especially true if the divorce follows a period of conflict or fighting. Arguing in front of the kids can cause more insecurity and worry than the divorce itself. Once the divorce is finalized, children might actually relax, feel safe, and realize that they still have two parents, a home, friends, and school. In fact, they may be better off than before. Many children interviewed after a divorce report feeling like a weight has been lifted from them. If the parents are happier, the children will be too. There is nothing more influential on a child than a happy, positive parent! Remove the bad relationship, and mom or dad may begin to live again in every sense of the word.
If you are thinking about getting a divorce but are waiting until the children are older, or hesitate because you are worried about the effects of divorce on your children, don’t! Here’s why: children model many of their future relationships based on what they learn at home during these developmental years. If they see parents who are constantly passive-aggressive, show no emotion or respect for each other, have little in common, can’t work out their problems successfully, or can’t communicate in a mature way, they will never learn how to handle relationships themselves. They will grow up behaving in their relationships the way YOU behaved in yours.
Children should witness adults in a loving, sometimes disagreeable but safe relationship, one that is grounded in mutual respect. They should see hand-holding and observe mom and dad putting each other first. Denying them this opportunity takes away many chances for happiness in their own adult lives.
So many people stay together for the children, but in reality, they are staying together out of fear. Fear of change, fear of being happy, fear of making the best of things, and fear of being considered a failure. Marriage should be worked on, and much effort should go into keeping a family together. But if it can’t or won’t work, a family can still be kept intact. Divorce is often the first thing that teaches a child that “they can’t count on anything” or “that nothing is safe,” and children will grieve just as they would with a death. Sometimes loudly, other times silently, and often slowly.
If you are unhappy, with a heavy heart that feels unloved or unappreciated, you owe it to your child to show them that there is a better way to live while still being a family.
The effects of divorce on a child are often less severe than the effects of a bad marriage. Although the road may be slow and difficult at times, it is possible to regain momentum and make the children feel good about the situation. It all depends on how mature the adults involved are willing to be. Divorce is not a time for role reversal, where the child becomes the parent. In fact, it is a time when the parent MUST be the leader! This way, children can follow their parents to a happier, more fulfilled, and stable life, filled with joy and the love of two parents. If this remains possible, children will handle everything just fine.
