Millions of people believe that if they are not being physically abused by their partner, they aren’t being abused at all. Unfortunately, accounts of emotional abuse are far more common than those of physical violence, and they can cause deeper wounds and emotional conditions than any other form of abuse. One reason for this is that emotional abuse is often silent, undermining, and subtly hidden beneath the surface of the relationship, making it difficult to recognize, diagnose, and understand. Many people—both men and women—who experience emotional abuse are led to believe that they are just crazy, insecure, imagining things, or making a big deal out of small issues. This further damages their psyche and makes the wounds even deeper.
Recognizing the Signs of Emotional Abuse
The signs of emotional abuse are often dismissed as “personality flaws.” For instance, a partner who constantly controls the beginning and end of discussions or arguments may be using manipulative tactics to control and undermine their partner. They might resort to name-calling or bring up sensitive issues just to “shut you up,” so to speak. Other signs include feeling like you have no control or power in the relationship. You might feel afraid of making decisions, or be forced to hide even simple purchases. While you may not lie to your partner, you might withhold information as a way of avoiding arguments.
To determine whether you are being emotionally abused, consider these questions. Answering “yes” to more than one may indicate that you are being victimized:
- Do you feel like you cannot be ‘yourself’ around your partner for fear of criticism?
- Are simple things, like your choice in music, often ridiculed or made fun of?
- Does your partner often act passive-aggressive (being mad but pretending they aren’t)?
- Are there limits to the resources you can access, such as friends, family, or money?
- When you are with other people, does your partner seem ‘irritated’ or often accusatory about what you’ve been doing?
- Is your relationship based on extremes of emotion? For example, are you either very in love or very distant, with no middle ground?
- Do you ever feel obligated to do things, such as having sex, out of fear that your partner will become angry?
- Do you feel a sense of ‘doom’ when you know your partner is coming home?
- Are you a different person around your partner than you are around others?
- Do you often make excuses for your partner’s behavior, such as saying they are temperamental or moody?
- Do you feel depressed in your relationship?
- In arguments, are you often ridiculed or put down?
- Is your self-esteem suffering because of your relationship?
As you can see, emotional abuse often revolves around being denied the opportunity to grow as a person and to be confident in who you are. A partner who engages in emotional abuse may feel that by putting you down or keeping you in certain undesirable situations, they are maintaining power over you. If you ever tried to leave, you would likely be met with an indignant attitude of “Who would want you anyway?” and a lack of emotion from your partner. This is meant to further damage your self-confidence, which is one of the main reasons emotionally abused men and women stay in the relationship for so long.
In many ways, it would almost be easier to just be hit. At least then you can see and feel the damage. Emotional abuse, on the other hand, is like a faucet left dripping. At first, it’s not a big deal—just a little water. But eventually, the water becomes a puddle, and the bill becomes astronomical to the point where you can’t pay it off. For men and women who are emotionally abused, it starts out slowly and sneaks its way into the relationship. Over time, the undermining and criticism create a puddle of depression that can eventually drown you.
For many years, there was no recourse for emotionally abusive relationships. You couldn’t just walk into divorce court and claim that you were being “picked on.” Emotionally abusive people are very specific in their behaviors and have a strong intuition about their partner, which enables them to manipulate and control. It’s very similar to being bullied. However, things have changed. The United States Department of Justice has now defined emotional abuse. Furthermore, agencies focusing on family health and happiness have started to campaign to raise awareness about the signs and symptoms of emotional abuse, which can range from torment and control to manipulation and psychological aggression. While it is normal for people to want some control in relationships from time to time, it shouldn’t become a way of life.
Another interesting fact about emotional abuse is that men and women are equally likely to be victims. Both men and women experience emotional abuse, unlike physical abuse, which is typically more prevalent against women. The problem, however, lies in the difficulty of pinpointing emotional abuse. If you are being emotionally abused, chances are your friends and family are aware of it. You may even know it at some level but feel trapped by nagging fear, which makes it difficult to move on. The reason is simple: emotional abusers want to keep you so limited in terms of security and resources that you feel unable to leave. This is a clear sign that the abuser is the one with the problem.
If you are emotionally abused, you must learn—or relearn—how to stand up for yourself. You need to find your strengths again and build the confidence to take control of your future. The first step may be recognizing that you are a victim. The second step is to work on yourself. Much like a bodybuilder starting with low weights, you need to gradually build strength until you are confident enough to make a positive change. Start by journaling, seeing a counselor, talking with friends, and slowly but surely digging yourself out. Then, when you are strong enough, you can face the bully head-on and make changes in your life.
Sadly, if you are being emotionally abused, it is likely that your children will experience the same thing one day. This type of behavior is learned, progressive, and often practiced. For the person doing the abusing, it becomes a game to maintain control. Take care of yourself for a while, and then do what you need to do to preserve your psychological health and happiness.
