How do you enrich a marriage?
Do you treat it like a full-time job, requiring overtime, teamwork, and putting in 110% to achieve your objectives? Enriching your marriage is an ongoing effort that goes beyond the traditional roles of husband and wife. It involves much more than sharing a mortgage, raising children, cultivating relationships, and celebrating milestones like a child’s graduation from university.
There are many ways to enrich a marriage. Marriage counselors could write entire books on this subject, as they have worked with many couples facing all kinds of issues. Some problems are easier to identify than others. For example, couples who argue often blame money issues, unsatisfying sex, or irreconcilable differences. However, there are also issues that are “hidden” or “disguised,” stemming from emotions that are not openly expressed.
One thing is certain: The only way to enrich your marriage is by changing your attitude. When we change our mindset, we actively seek ways to improve our marriage, rather than finding reasons to justify a divorce. Divorce may seem like the easy way out, especially since “people get divorced every day.” The challenge begins when we shift gears and say to ourselves, “I want to save this marriage. Not only will I save it, but I will also enrich it, because that’s where lasting happiness comes from.”
1) Enter Marriage with an Open Mind
Wayne and Carol Mack, authors of Sweethearts for a Lifetime: Making the Most of Your Marriage (P&R Publishing Company, 2006), note that “more often, people tend to structure their marriages according to their own ideas or according to the world’s current ideas of what marriage should be about.” We often view marriage through the lens of how our parents, grandparents, friends, or colleagues perceive it. We’ve spoken to women who expect their husbands to work while they stay at home with the children. We’ve also spoken to men who assume their wives must attend office functions, look presentable, and engage in intelligent conversation. Some individuals enter marriage with fixed ideas about roles: “He’s to take out the garbage, and I’m to fold the laundry.” When roles are pre-assigned, the concept of a true partnership becomes blurry.
What happens when he’s out of town or she’s ill and has to stay in bed for several days? The answer is clear: The other spouse takes over.
That’s simple enough, right? However, you might be surprised to learn that when there’s a rigid division of labor in the household, and controlling spouses become angry about unfinished tasks, the marriage is under pressure.
2) Listen, For Goodness’ Sake!
This is the classic argument in favor of open and honest communication. It’s far more important to listen and pay attention to body language. We learn more by listening than by speaking. Sometimes, a distressed spouse will say things they don’t mean. Take the case of Mark and Allison, described by Dennis and Barbara Rainey in Starting Your Marriage Right (Thomas Nelson Inc, 2000). The couple accepted a gift vacation in North Carolina, but when they realized they hadn’t packed beach towels, they went shopping. Mark became upset when Allison spent a fortune on towels, thinking she was a poor money manager. Things only got worse when they arrived at the beach and encountered dozens of dogs running around while their owners sunbathed. Allison, already irritated, took off her straw hat, stormed off, and shouted, “This marriage is over.”
Later, when they calmed down, Mark didn’t confront Allison about her outburst. Instead, he embraced her and gently asked, “What’s wrong with us? What can we do?” Mark was really listening. He knew that Allison loved him and didn’t truly want to end their marriage; she was just reacting emotionally. Instead of challenging her, he offered her an olive branch through his comforting gesture.
3) Don’t Lose Interest in Sex
Sex should not lose its significance as you celebrate more anniversaries. It must not be pushed to the back burner due to exhaustion, concerns about children overhearing, or a lack of enjoyment. The absence of sex is often a major factor in marital infidelity. Rejecting a spouse’s advances could be interpreted as a lack of love, interest, or indifference to their emotional and physical needs.
4) Don’t Suffocate Each Other!
Enriching your marriage doesn’t mean spending every waking moment together. Give your spouse some space and encourage them to pursue personal hobbies or spend time with friends outside your regular social circle. Set up a weekly schedule where you each have time to “do your own thing.” If you have different ideas about how to spend your summer vacation, consider taking separate vacations. There is no rule that says a husband and wife must vacation together. For example, if his idea of a vacation is to play golf every day while she prefers to visit museums, let them both enjoy their interests. Leave each other to be with other people. When you reconvene at the dinner table, the stories you share will be much more interesting!
5) Be Clear About Money Management
Next to sex, money matters are another common source of tension in marriage. One spouse tends to spend freely, while the other prefers to save. If you find yourselves arguing about money frequently, wait for a calm moment when you are both relaxed and receptive. Sit down together with pen and paper and figure out a budget you can both stick to. You can decide on major purchases for the coming year and agree on what items can be postponed in favor of more urgent financial goals. Both spouses should be actively involved in managing the finances, as money is a shared responsibility.
When constant arguments over money occur, rather than enriching your marriage, you’re heading toward a path of ruin.
