“That is NOT what I said!” you exclaim to your spouse. What follows is a ten-minute (or twenty-minute) rant, with your spouse squinting their face and twisting their tone in an effort to replicate a conversation you had last night over dinner. Not only do the theatrics intensify the heat of the moment, but the exclamations and extra words being ad-libbed for the sake of proving a point—claiming you said something you didn’t—make it hard to follow. You are also left wondering if husbands and wives are ever actually on the same page when it comes to heated conversations.
The truth is, after an argument, most couples spend more time digesting the unspoken words and the things they think their spouse really meant, rather than focusing on what was actually said.
Understanding Miscommunication in Marriage
Bottom line: all you said was, “You spend too much money!” So how in the world did your spouse turn this into a full-blown war? Why are you now being accused of saying fifteen other things when you know for a fact that those words never left your mouth? Welcome to the world of marriage! Exaggerating and ad-libbing during an argument with a spouse is extremely common.
In fact, there is an entire book on this subject entitled What Men Say, What Women Hear, authored by relationship expert Linda Papadopoulos. The book delves into why men and women often struggle to communicate effectively. Papadopoulos points out that one of the reasons spouses have such trouble communicating is because they love each other. Women, in particular, are prone to hearing everyday statements such as “Can we do this later?” or “You spend too much money” and interpreting them as personal attacks.
What they feel when they hear these statements (often mood-dependent) can translate into a perceived lack of love or respect. In other words, they may think their husband just told them they weren’t loved or weren’t smart, etc. They also tend to think in terms of: “If my spouse loved me enough, he would have _____________!” This line of thinking works under the assumption that a woman not only knows what her husband is thinking but that he should know how something will make her feel.
When women communicate, especially with people they love and respect, they “assume” that the other person knows what they need, want, and how they think. So, if a conversation goes awry, the feminine brain immediately perceives it as an attack. This explains why the next day’s reenactment often includes words, phrases, and emotions that were never present to begin with. In other words, they are simply recounting what they heard and how they felt, and although it may include exaggerations, it is true to their emotional experience.
The concept of “Man Speak” versus “Woman Speak” is nothing new. In fact, it’s a common theme in many popular books, such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Sociologists believe that the cultural norms for males and females are so vastly different from birth that it can be very difficult for the two genders to communicate effectively. Add love and marriage into the mix, and miscommunication often becomes even more pronounced.
Yet, if you are willing to sit back and accept that you may be accused of saying things you didn’t, you can learn a lot about what your spouse needs from you. In fact, the reasons why they are “hurt” or took offense to something they believe was said can reveal their vulnerabilities in the relationship. This provides great speaking points to reaffirm and strengthen the bond between you.
