Your marriage vows included the phrase, “In sickness and in health!” Still, most people think that cancer, kidney problems, and other life-threatening medical conditions only happen to others. Chances are you know someone—a neighbor, friend, colleague, or family member—who seemed young and healthy one day, only to find out the next that they are fighting for their life. This battle can change relationships forever. However, research indicates that couples who face health problems together have a 90% better chance of overcoming them than those who fight the good fight alone. As a spouse of someone who is ill, it’s important to understand your role in your spouse’s wellness.
Understanding Your Role
Finding out that someone you love is sick can cause a whirlwind of emotions. At the top of the list is worry and concern. You worry that they might die, that they won’t get better, and that you will be left raising your children alone. The laundry list of worries often remains silent and tucked away in your heart, surfacing during quiet moments at a red light when the tears come with wild abandon. The person who is sick worries too. While you might feel that concealing your concern from your ill spouse helps them heal, you are mistaken. In fact, the unspoken words between couples are often the ones that need to be said. Sharing these emotions can strengthen your bond and make you feel more like a unit.
Depending on the illness, additional issues may arise. Medical costs can literally bankrupt a family. While few people would put a price tag on the life of someone they love, these costs can cause significant stress. The best course of action is to handle creditors and hospitals together, creating payment plans as needed. When your insurance runs out and you still require medical care, you might be surprised by what you both can accomplish. The key is to focus on what is important: you can always make more money, but you cannot replace a life. Facing the illness together in all facets is essential. Even if your spouse is too ill to fully grasp the financial toll on the family, you should be honest with them and remain as positive as possible. Remember, there are worse things that can happen.
Over time, it becomes common for the well spouse to resent the sick spouse. Yes, it isn’t their fault; it’s not something they could control. However, taking care of them and constantly talking about the illness can drain the joy out of life. The sick spouse may also resent their well counterpart for simply being well. It’s easy to throw accusations at one another, insisting that one cannot possibly understand the other’s feelings. And you know what? Both of you are right. Facing an illness together doesn’t mean you will instantly understand how the other feels—it’s impossible to know completely. But discussing your feelings, joining support groups, and connecting with other families facing similar circumstances can help create a like-minded community where you feel you belong. Outsiders, although well-meaning, will always be sympathetic and full of pity for what you are going through.
Another important aspect of facing an illness together is helping the children cope with the situation. They may not understand words like “metastasize” or “transplant,” but they do notice that Mom and Dad are frazzled and changed. You should discuss things with the children together. Most commonly, the well parent will talk to the kids privately, asking them to be extra nice to their sick parent or to keep them as comfortable as possible. This can be confusing for kids. While you don’t have to disclose the prognosis, you should include them in what is going on. Leaving a child with the impression that if they behave well, Daddy will be okay places too much responsibility on them. Also, allow children to talk about the illness openly; don’t shush them or make everything hush-hush, as this may lead them to feel ashamed. Make sure that teachers and other important figures in your children’s lives know what is happening, so they can support your children emotionally.
Lastly, make a plan. This isn’t how you expected things to turn out for your marriage, but as responsible adults and parents, you must prepare for the worst. You don’t have to accept that it will happen, but you must be able to discuss what comes next. Ensure that legal paperwork is filled out, that both spouses are aware of financial resources, and simplify your lives where possible. If the person who is sick is overwhelmed with worry about what will happen to their family, it can slow their healing process considerably. Realize that with all disease comes an emotional factor that can either favor or impede wellness. Don’t be naive or polite in believing that you don’t need to discuss these matters. Facing an illness together means that you absolutely must!
Sometimes, facing an illness together can strengthen your relationship. Suddenly, you gain a better understanding of how fickle life can be. Other times, it may drive you apart for various reasons. The sick spouse may feel they are a burden and may try to encourage you to let go. The bottom line is that you must seek love and look beyond it to give yourselves the best chance at wellness.
